We knew that D’Survivors would suck. We knew that we would be annoyed, irritated, bored, exasperated, insulted by it. No one can accuse us of having high expectations. There is only one reason we went to see D’Survivors (and generally we shun anything with ‘D, apostrophe’ in the title), and it’s this.
Daniel Matsunaga. So beautiful. No bad angles. How could he possibly disappoint us? If he just walked around the island reciting the alphabet in Portuguese we would go home happy. Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Your looks, our brains (not that we’re suggesting we are superior to you in that respect), world domination.
We even tried to find out when Daniel was watching his movie, so we could contrive to be present in the cinema. His manager says he’s in Brazil. Having seen the movie, we adore Daniel even more. Good call, not being around for this.
And now the viewing experience.
Ricky: Turns out Madonna’s Swept Away is an Oscar Best Picture.
Jessica: I don’t think this movie has a script.
Vivien: I feel like I’m in a tenth-rate comedy bar.
Daniel Matsunaga appears, picking fruit with no shirt on.
Ricky: It’s got English subtitles?! They actually think this will do the film festival circuit?
Vivien: We’ve sent lots of bad movies to the film festival circuit. Just nothing this bad.
Daniel Matsunaga appears, explaining what he’s cooking. Even his accent is lovely.
Vivien: Ang luma ng avant-garde niya. Lumang bago. Bagong luma. Lumang luma. Ang luma-luma. (His idea of avant-garde is old. New-old. Old-new. Plain old. Very old.)
Jay: Ang pangit-pangit. (Very ugly.)
Vivien: Omigod, Daniel’s abs are in 3D.
Daniel Matsunaga gets a closeup for no reason, because you don’t need a reason to give Daniel a closeup.
Jessica: I apologize for calling Adolf Alix the Hell Portes of the 21st century. I owe Gil Portes an apology. I want to find Adolf and slap him.
Ricky: You should review this back-to-back with Shutter Island. Both are set on islands. Both are What The Fuck movies. Except that Shutter Island is brilliant.
Daniel Matsunaga does a silly dance in a talent portion sequence that materializes because they ran out of ideas after the opening credits.
Jessica: I can’t believe they made a movie with three Brazilian-Japanese models and there’s no sex in it. I can’t believe the director does 30-minute tracking shots of people looking for a goat but he can’t keep the camera on Daniel for 2 minutes.
Vivien: I can’t believe this movie was made, I feel bad for the producers.
Ricky: There is one brilliant thing in this movie. That green long-sleeved shirt Daniel is wearing. You can see every curve.
Jessica: Look at those trapezius muscles, those deltoids.
Daniel Matsunaga has a conversation with Akihiro Sato, who should probably not stand next to Daniel Matsunaga.
Ricky: Every time we’re about to flatline we get a glimpse of Daniel and we’re alive again. He’s a defibrillator. He should’ve directed this movie.
The movie limps to its idiotic denoument.
Jay: Tayo pala ang D’Survivors. (It turns out We’re the survivors.)