I.
Sad: My first relationship was with a textmate.
Sadder: He was as tall as me and 10 pounds lighter, and considered janitorial work a choice.
Saddest: I officially broke it off after 3 years, when I stopped talking to him for 2 years.

II.
Sad: He left me because I stalk his ex-crush too much on social networking sites.
Sadder: I knew he’s leaving me when I read his flirty PMs to another girl when I hacked his account.
Saddest: First thing he did? Text the ex-crush.

III.
Sad: I needed extras for a music video and I resorted to my YM list of friends.
Sadder: Tried flirting with this girl in YM… and it turned out to be the class clown who has the same nickname.
Saddest: The class knew all about it the next day.

Episode: Isang Linggong Pag-Ibig ni Big Utol (First Sem of 2002).

Monday. As the banter of jokes of our class, It occured to me that the best way to play pranks with my classmates is through texting. Cellphones are taboo in the seminary, so we had to syndicate our phones. Hear and see no evil per se. My classmate happened to get one of the forminadable N-3210s. Outrightly, I texted him introducing that I was Ana Dayon (cebuanos recognize easily the other side of the pseudonym). After a few texts, we were more intimate than the biggest love team in showbiz to date. We were just two beds apart in the dorm when we called the night with a big MWAAH….

Tuesday. I texted him late afternoon to observe his reaction to my text. To my surprise and everyone, he boasted that he was about to get a girlfriend not later than one week. He was on the move when he started inquiring about my lovelife. I told him how I hated boys at school looking at my tight butt soaked in sweat after a volleyball game. He was getting frantic and wild with every insane message I sent him. The interest on the love affair became the talk of the town. Instantly, he became a celebrity while I was the Big Brother.

Wednesday and Thursday. The whole community was extremely amused by our Luvtxt. Somebody was even willing to buy my cell number with a thousand pesos every digit. Of course, he declined. According to him, finder’s keepers brothers. I couldn’t imagine how my classmates would storm over his desk during study periods in barbaric anticipation of my steamy messages to our poor classmate.

Friday. He asked me on a date come Outing Sunday. I was struck as if somebody just hurled the boulder of Sicyphus to me. Carelessly, i replied OK. I was shocked to know when he was bragging on our “date” two days from now.

Saturday. The whole day everyone in the community wished him luck on our Date. I was getting uncomfortable and uneasy with the situation now. Every five minutes I was receiving corny sweet nothings. So late that night, I sought the counsel of my Core Group (individuals who are pain in the neck of the formators in short, the virus). Someone suggested to meet him in the mall and kiss anonymous girl and get slapped in the process. I digressed. One suggested to have the meet up in the food court and let him order food fit for the army. I dissented strongly fearing that we would end up washing the dishes.

Sunday. Sleepless, I crawled out of my bed and texted him how my parents disapprove our relationship that they would be sending me to Manila to forget you. Though sad that I had to end the virtual mess I got into, I was happy that I did what was right and fit even for a phony Maria Clara in the virtual world of cyberlove among cheap N-3210s. Even though it meant for me to received a reply from him telling me, “Sayang, Ikaw pa naman ang first love ko.”….

Met him on an online dating site. Should’ve known right from the start that it wasn’t fate and he was chatting with me under false pretenses, but I played along.

24 hours later, I felt so disgusted with myself, and degraded by him. He wasn’t even that cute, funny, or creative to begin with – no favorite books, no amusing anecdotes, nothing. No wonder I felt so dead.

So I wrote him a brief note, telling him to let me know when he’s ready to talk to me about the weather. Five minutes after I sent the note, I blocked him out of my email contacts list, tore up the sheet where I wrote his phone number (I refused to save it electronically) and took every step possible to make sure that he never came back into my life. I canceled my subscription to that dating site, too – life was just too short for that kind of nonsense.

Long story short, I have five words to say to this guy: “Get thee behind me, Satan.”

We didn’t exactly meet on cyber like with those before him who came, saw and conquered me. Romantically.

Yes, we ‘occupied the same physical area’ — comfort room for men in Harrison Plaza — at the time we, well, hooked up.

Now now don’t look at me, no, we didn’t “do” it there, of course not, but, judging from the heat with which we consumed each other in our endless initial bedromps, we would have gutted down Harrison Plaza.

II.

The sing-along bar was full. After my raspy rendition of Kathy Trocolli’s “If I’m Not In Love”, I was convinced it was my soulful song that got him more intoxicated and a lot lippier.

“Where have you been the last 45 days I spent wandering as a sexually-starved global-worker on vacation? Dude, this couldn’t be right, I am set to leave the day after tomorrow.”

“Take me with you.” he whispered before licking my earlobes.

III.

“You’re the first guy to kiss my lips in a long time. You could be first again when you come home next year…”

“Haha, too good to be true, but no, I am not buying it. You’re the one who’s in a place where anything goes. “

“I’m serious with us.”

“I don’t believe in long-distance relationships. I am a visual and physical person. If I can’t touch and see you you’re not real.”

“Baby, trust me on this. I can wait. I promise to stay faithful.”

“No, just promise to work on your job application here. I am giving you at least 3 months.”

IV.

Speaking from the point of view of a firewalled corporate slave, I’d say Gmail chat is better than Yahoo Messenger. I mean, You can chat right from your Gmail account on stealth, undetected by nosy IT staff.

However, YM is better when it comes to speed and signal where chatting is a lot more stress-free compared to intermittent interruptions on Gmail.

“Baby, how’s the application doing?”

“Oh it’s working alright. Nothing to worry.”

“Baby, the 3-month lead time is due within a week, and you’re not worried?”

A long pause ensued. I buzzed him.

“Yes, baby?”

“Where’d you go?”

“Nowhere. Just a text message.”

“From whom?”

“Told you already about my seaman ex right? Well, he just texted me about his homecoming next week.”

“Haha, okay. I think I see where this is going.”

“Baby, no, you know, I am already yours.”

“Ha! Conair, tell me honestly, have you been really loyal all this time?”

“Of course, baby…Love you. ? Mwah.”

“Mamatay ka man?”
“Haha, ano ba yan? Baby talaga…Xempre no, mahal ko baby ko. ?”

“Conair, last chance, wala ba talagang nangyaring hanky-panky, mamatay man Nanay mo?”

Pained pause.

“Huh? Ano ba yan?”

“Hindi e kung talagang honest ka di ka matatakot, di ba?”

“Okay, sige, ganito… Di naman talaga sex yon…blah blah blah…”

“You snot. Let’s stop this.”

I signed out of Yahoo Messenger.

He infiltrated my mobile message box with apologies.

“After office coffee?” I texted my ex who works just a few blocks away from our company accommodation.

Still feeling down even after I bounced back with my own selfish act of betrayal, the following day, I signed up for a fake account on Facebook and sent a message to his mother alerting her of the need to investigate his son’s ‘lifestyle’ in Manila.

Fast-forward 18 months later. We agreed to meet halfway and chose London for a holiday spot. It was new and comfortable at the same time.

Fast-forward another 6 months. We’re engaged. :) And the wedding will be in 9 months.