LitWit Challenge 3.11: Stabbed in the heart, the Yucch-meter’s deliberations (Complete)
Our photo of a guy with a broadsword through the heart elicited stories from a variety of genres. Read all the entries here.
1. john dorian’s tale of lost love and regret. Nice effort, but the characters were too generic and featureless. The author describes the squabbles rather than letting the characters fight. The romantic element is restrained but still wince-inducing. In our observation romantic elements will always be wince-inducing so one might as well fall off the cliff. Then the form would match the content.
2. angus25′s story of a violin student, in two versions. Clearly the author has bothered to research the technical aspects of violin-playing. However we do not see why the protagonist even wants to learn the violin, or why we should root for her. She does not seem to have any talent with the violin. If that is the author’s point, where is the painful realization that one is not Mozart? That would be a more universal experience.
3. ziggy’s six lines: Is that an entry? An attempt at Lydia Davis-ness? Don’t open with three adjectives. Especially synonyms.
4. The Blacksmith by scientist, the story of a washed-up actor and his failed comeback. Slick. We approve of the way the author captures the glittering horseshit that is show business. This story reminds us of our favorite Hollywood camp classic The Oscar, but with an ending out of Fellini.
5. scientist’s second entry, a three-sentence Lydia Davis hommage. Literal take on penetration. Funny, but not funny ha-ha.
6. winnerific’s story of a kleptomaniac who steals a broadsword. Much of it consists of speech that does not ring true. It is overwritten and melodramatic. Speech must have rhythm and these passages call to mind a very bad dancer. If the protagonist is talking to himself, as we gather he is, why does he do so much explaining? The author does not seem comfortable with the language.
7. Two versions of androidiscool’s story of a guy who’s just realized he’s an android. We know this because the author adds a helpful explanation: “This is inspired by a story about a guy who just realized he’s an android.” Really, we would never have guessed. The story has a powerful visual: a man repeatedly stabbing himself, but not getting hurt. However it is buried in prose that strains to be clever.
8. androidiscool’s second entry set in what is apparently hell. Baby could you come over here a second? Punch me in the face. Ow. Thanks.
9. The widow of a man found stabbed to death with a broadsword contemplates the killing, by Kane. In which the killer confesses to the murder. We liked the parts about selling the murder weapon on eBay (like the wife in the Roald Dahl story Lamb to the Slaughter, who cooks the weapon) and then sleeping on the bloodstained bed. Weird, but essential to the denouement. Apparently the motive was boredom. We can relate.
10. ruth’s imitation of Lydia Davis. Which requires prior reading of Nine Stories. And still doesn’t work.
11. The Replacement Sheet by androidiscool. Interesting premise but if the story is in one line it had better be perfect.
12. Three versions of a story about a vagrant remembering his troubled childhood, by brainchild. It is never a good idea to write a story using a thesaurus. “Gallimaufry” has not occurred in a sentence in the last two centuries. A story should not be a showcase of one’s vocabulary. Go back and rewrite this story in your own words. Baby can you come back here, please?
13. Brazo de Mercedes by winnerific. The story of an OFW trying to connect with her children, but without the Star Cinema fireworks. Its simplicity makes it touching; the use of food as the trigger of the crisis makes it more visceral. The dialogue in Tagalog sounds authentic and heartfelt, the English prose somewhat awkward. We think this story would be more effective in Tagalog.
14. Qsdn’s remake of Ang Panday. Holy crap you made Panday gay. Holy crap you made Panday gay!
15. cochise_miz’s Cosplay story. We are unfamiliar with Cosplay culture so “reminiscence of the sacrifices and the pain” is mystifying. Are we correct in assuming that his failure to win the Best Costume award is the traumatic event? We like how you employ details—the story unfolds in our heads as if we were watching a movie.
TO BE CONTINUED. OUR FACE HURTS.
16. 57 seconds before the apocalypse by triphammer. Isn’t 57 seconds cutting it too close? Couldn’t they have started 7 minutes earlier? You have written a graphic sex scene that is not icky. Clap clap clap. “For a brief moment, she imagined stabbing him with his own manhood.” This is our favorite sentence in your story but from your description it is more bludgeon (though small) than sword.
16. The Harlotte Champion is at Stake. By Momelia. How could we not adore this story when it combines elements from beloved fantasy classics. The Sword in the Stone from The Once And Future King, except that it’s stuck in Sir Harry’s chest. The different cultures of Middle Earth, reimagined on Gaynerdia, named with a philological precision that would make J.R.R. Tolkien proud.
“The Closet Queens of Paminteria arrived in their knee length walking shorts and pointed white leather shoes. The Gym Bunnies of Hunkette were in their gym shorts, training shoes, and their signature Cruising First, Fitness Last membership gym bags. The Parloristas of Statutoria were the noisiest and the funniest and the most fluent in the kingdom vernacular. The Effeme Fatales of Beauconera were gorgeous in their cosmetic and sexually reassigned surgeries and their four inch stilleto heels.
“The grammatically challenged “Discrete Bisexuals” of the Shitforbrains Mountains formed their own line because they’re not really really gay at all.”
And the return of Richard Hadede and Pussy Kamagong. Momelia, you hear this from us frequently, You are genius. We demand that you sign with us immediately to publish your Pussy Kamagong stories.
17. The empathy implant, by oberstein. The protagonist wants to feel as others feel, so he undergoes a procedure. Clever, we approve. Now the author must undergo a similar procedure in order to glean how the reader feels, and feel for the reader. We read your story, we enjoy it as a mental exercise, but we have no emotional connection with Yoann (Mmmm Yoann Gourcuff) and the plot demands that we do.
18. The Remainders by Cacs. Bravo. We are standing up right now and clapping wildly. It is Asimovian, it is Gibsonian cyberpunk, it is The Matrix, it is a non-cloying tribute to our campaign for World Domination. It makes us want to read science-fiction right now. This story demands to be developed into a novel or a movie. Read it now.
19. A little left, by jake. We see you are still working on the Raymond Carver thing, and you’ve developed your knack for dialogue. Good work. You can create a mood using hints rather than details. We don’t know what the protagonist’s exact problem is, but we know his emotional state. The structure is fine, now throw a spanner into the works. Something odd and unexpected that will make it jake and not Carver.
20. Broadsword by Jara. Obviously it is too long but we appreciate the time and energy that went into it, and the result is impressive. We say this as fans of Terminator and of Philip K. Dick, even if sometimes we don’t know what the hell he means. Seriously, you could rework this a bit for publication. The story works on both intellectual and emotional levels. Instead of going into how time travel works and trying to dazzle the reader with his grasp of special relativity, the author focuses on its military applications, and the accolades reaped by its inventor. This way we accept that time travel is real without having to chew up the hard science. Good thinking.
At the same time the inventor Jason seems like a real person, from his vanity to his terror at seeing his decrepitude. We especially like the part about the teeth. In dream analysis falling teeth means death. And the conundrum (which reminds us of our beloved Back to the Future) which is not so much a twist as a loop: Killer.
21. Si Sleeping Hunky at si Juanita by medy. It is cute and funny, but why stop there when you obviously have so much more to say about the diaspora? Stretch yourself, you have more than this. Also, the carbonite is in the second (technically the fifth) episode.
TO BE CONCLUDED, WE HAVE TO GET DRESSED FOR AN EVENT.
* * * * *
Hah, still the champion in the fast-dressing division.
22. iMan3000 and the last man, by dibee. This science-fiction tale posits a world in which there are no male humans left and tech companies produce male humanoids. Fascinating premise, but the science seems wonky. At the very least the government should maintain more than one “cow”. And artificial insemination is a common procedure. We think the story would be more engaging if instead of the historical exposition it delved into the relationship between the protagonist and the humanoid, or suggested a deeper connection between the protagonist and the fugitive. This way we would have a bigger stake in his survival.
Ever seen Children of Men by Alfonso Cuaron, an unfaithful yet brilliant adaptation of the P.D. James novel? The one with the scene in the car that 360s and makes you leap out of your seat and scream “NO!” In the movie no more children are being born and it is up to Clive Owen (Mmmm Clive Owen) to protect the last pregnant female on earth. It is bleakly beautiful and beautifully bleak. Then there’s The Handmaid’s Tale and Zardoz, neither of which I’ve seen.
23. Blood by samutsari. This story contains too much extraneous information. We do not need to hear every thought that flits across the protagonist’s head; there are blogs for that hahahaha. We were initially confused by the interrelationships among the (too many) characters. There is so much detail we do not need, and when the Uncle Emong character we have been expecting since the first line finally makes an appearance, he is not even properly introduced (“…Eva contented herself talking to her uncle while he stands inside the cell…”) And then he is abruptly disposed of. We know what the protagonist thinks of her colleague and of Milla Jovovich, but the sudden death of the most interesting character is dealt with very casually. Needs radical edit. It is always best not to get too attached to one character.
24. The serial killer of gay men story by johnbristol6. We love your history+monsters mashup from a past LitWit Challenge, Tandang Sora: Palabang Lola. This piece is a rush remake of that one, down to the heroine running across the rooftops. But thank you for responding to our hologram. May The Force be with you.
Now the Yucch-meter must reach a decision. Who should get the prize Lydia Davis book: Momelia for The Harlotte Champion Is At Stake, or Cacs for The Remainders? Both are LitWit Challenge regulars who have won in the past. Both have submitted killer entries.
The Yucch-meter is getting verklempt and needs to have a drink. The winner will be announced tonight when the Yucch-meter gets home from dinner. In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves. Slipstream fiction or Sex comedy?
The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
November 22nd, 2010 at 05:51
Thanks a lot Jessica! I really appreciate it. I made the words simpler, adjectives fewer.
November 22nd, 2010 at 07:36
I am yet to read all the entries for this Lit Wit contest but I just have to say that I’m a huugge fan of Momelia’s work!!! Hahahaha!! Super loveit!!!
By the way, how did you shoot that photo of Harry?
November 22nd, 2010 at 09:46
I actually imagined my first story to be about a person with multiple personality disorder. Poor execution. My friend said it lacked distinction between the splits. Nyek. :)
November 22nd, 2010 at 10:27
Should I send the rewritten work?
November 22nd, 2010 at 10:29
Thank you Jessica! I’ll try to join in your next challenges (hopefully with a worthreading work).
November 22nd, 2010 at 11:50
brainchild: You have a good idea for a character, develop that. Don’t worry about the words. Write in your own voice, not in a manner that will impress the teacher. You have something there, keep going.
November 22nd, 2010 at 11:52
winnerific: We inferred that the protagonist has multiple personalities, the problem is that all the multiple personalities talk the same way. Good example of a split personality where you can tell one from the other: Gollum/Smeagol. They don’t have to say which is which, you can tell from the tone who is speaking.
November 22nd, 2010 at 12:22
I was trying to convince myself that the one “android” story can appear to be in at least 4 versions the simplest moving way, one of which is that it may be that a man is just simply stabbing her girl/wife who found out he’s already got a wife/girl. Will that work? I have a lot of chutzpah to say that I also like how James Salter’s Last Night moved me. Any more help here to that end?
November 22nd, 2010 at 12:26
:) Haha exactly! the only thing that came to my mind after seeing the sword was Lord of the Rings! but i knew i cant make a good fight scene so i looked at the other characters. then Gollum/Smeagol’s condition came to mind. it was the inspiration but the end result wasnt very good. well thank you po for the comment. :)
November 22nd, 2010 at 13:06
Immeasurable thanks to you Jessica! I love words and using as much colorful words as I can excites me. I’ll take your advice. To be given advice by someone like you is more than I can ask for…
November 22nd, 2010 at 13:20
Eeeee! I’m rooting for Cacs on this challenge. Ang galing!
November 22nd, 2010 at 13:21
androidiscool: Your ideas are interesting, it is in the execution that they are lost. When you cram too much into a sentence it sounds spastic and incoherent, as if you are more interested in impressing than expressing (That should be on a T-shirt). Small suggestion: Try to write in short sentences that convey the idea in simple terms. Salter does that, and it gives his prose an emotional wallop.
November 22nd, 2010 at 13:58
Ok I’m guilty of all those, especially the impressing. So I can’t say thank you enough. I can’t even mention your name, that’s how I’m thankful.
Also, more of these classics please:
1. Cats saying things like, “But I pooped it all out”, “They shouldn’t have made them chewy” and “Oh I hardly noticed you’ve arrived”
2. Stories about plans to make earrings out of bookmarks.
3. Just more photos of those cats bored and plotting.
November 22nd, 2010 at 14:34
brewhuh23: It’s my hommage to Boromir in The Fellowship of the Ring.
November 22nd, 2010 at 15:24
#14 jessica — Ohhh most excellent! Sean Bean is lurvvvveee!
November 22nd, 2010 at 15:37
I am sadly aware that I fail at making any “emotional connections” with anyone who reads my work. Years of writing only academic papers or reports at work has damaged my writing, but I’m trying to fix that.
I like these challenges. When I write non-paper/non-report stuff and show it to my friends they keep telling me it’s “nice” but they refuse to get really honest. :D (At least I am fairly good at naming my characters? Hahaha: Eufrecina and Yoann…what to do with the next…)
November 22nd, 2010 at 16:27
Jessica, if Momelia signs, I’m buying those Pussy Kamagong series :)
November 22nd, 2010 at 16:31
Oh wow. Speechless. (As in John Cage’s “4:33″ speechless.) Thanks.
November 22nd, 2010 at 16:54
*is disturbed even by the name… Pussy Kamagong. Total WTF* :P
And yes – that line about the gym bunnies and the closet queens made me laugh really hard.
November 22nd, 2010 at 17:53
entries by cacs and momelia –topnotch quality indeed!
and the total pool makes this litwit round one of the best, inside my top 3. (longer deadline = better quality?)
a few more of these stories, then add jessica’s full-fledged editing, I think can produce a best-of-litwit book that will sell. bibili rin ako panigurado.
November 22nd, 2010 at 18:03
Thanks for the objective and honest assessment ms. j., even if my entry was only a saling-pusa for being late. Did the whole thing by long hand and it got really err . . . looongg. I wanted to beat the deadline so badly there was no time to develop Uncle Emong’s character.
Good luck to Momelia and Cacs!! I can’t choose – winner na lang sila pareho, pwede?
November 22nd, 2010 at 18:20
Agree with turmukoy about this litwit challenge being one of the best (even though my entry was a big, “ha?” hahaha). Good luck to the finalists! Can’t wait to know who wins this round. :)
November 22nd, 2010 at 18:21
This. Is. Unnerving. And funny.
But (here goes the showbiz-beauty pageant answer), it’s an honor, Momelia, to give you a run for your money. Haha.
November 22nd, 2010 at 19:02
Thank You Jessica. I love reading your comments on all the entries as much as reading the actual entries. Sorry for the Empire Strikes Back error, I watched episodes 4,5,6 but only paid attention to Harrison Ford.
I heart Momelia’s entry! kainis.
But I heart mine more even if it was rushed and had another deadline which my credit card statement said I should complete asap.
November 22nd, 2010 at 19:04
I just re-read Momelia’s and Cacs’ excellent entries. I love the Pythonesque quality of Momelia’s story and the tone reminds me of an epic passed down by minstrels, but my preference is for The Remainders by Cacs. It is just so masterful in its vision, down to the little details (like Jessica eschewing Facebook,etc.) and how human culture evolved over the centuries. Reading The Remainders again, I found lots of little touches that had passed me by the first time. Whoever wins, I really enjoyed them both.
I also really liked the entries by Kane, scientist (The Blacksmith), dibee (which kind of reminded me of the graphic novels ‘Y: The Last Man’) and samutsari.
Thanks for your kind comments about my story, Jessica. I had fun writing it. If you could give me a few tips on cleaning it up to a publishable standard, I would be very grateful.
Cheers.
November 22nd, 2010 at 19:06
I’ve been sitting here in my area for 45 mins now and I still can’t choose! haha i think I’ll go for Cacs’ because its amazing & i feel that my rooting for Momelia is affected by my love for his other stories. and this recent one is like a continuation….. kaso im really amazed with the way he connects it all!! Wahh!!!! kailangan ko na umuwi!!! basta congratulations to the winner/s ;) ;)
November 22nd, 2010 at 20:03
May I just have the guts to say that my second entry “Romeo and Romeo” may be a spin-off/premise/facet/proof of Cacs’ digitized souls in The Remainders. So get us that book, Cacs. Prove me I’m a winner by affinity. I need me a winner.
November 22nd, 2010 at 21:43
I read the two finalists. Both indeed are very entertaining and creative.
There were a few places in “The Harlotte Champion is at Stake” where I would have done some minor edits (e.g., “…he [can’t] couldn’t pull it away…). A slight edge then to “The Remainders” in my view for being more polished overall. Congratulations to both!
November 22nd, 2010 at 21:55
Ang totoo niyan eh nakahilamos na ko, toothbrush, post-ect, super fresh kasi patulog na ko nun. Tapos binalikan ko na yung librong “Politically Correct Bedtime Stories” na na-harvest ko sa BOOKSALE sa Megamall for the low low price of 70 pesos. Meron din dung Politically Correct Holiday Stories, its a tie ang naka-sticker na price. Anyway, habang binabasa ko na yung kuwento tungkol sa Frog Prince (hindi siya Prinsipe sa version na yun, isa siyang real estate developer) eh nagkaroon ako ng idea. Aba teka, magmamaganda ulit si Pussy Kamagong. Antemano ay may ending na agad yung storya ko, tapos inisa isa ko na yung mga details. Tuwang tuwa nga ako nun kasi biglang andami kong ideas, andami kong gustong isingit at i-segue hanggang sa kasusulat ko eh hindi ko namalayan na heartbroken pala ako for two days na.
Wahaha, salamat po sa feedback, Madame! Nakakataba talaga ng puso! Sa sobrang taba eh parang may dede na rin ako! (Linya ni Ms Mandaya)
Bongga ang variety sa episode na to ha, iba na talaga pag nerd ka, andami mong ideas. Cheers sa ating lahat mga ate! Ay, haves ba ng kuya? Okay fayn, cheers na rin sa yo. Wahaha!
Ayy, sign ng sign! Muahness!
Yaman din lamang na nabanggit si Hadede eh nasa bahay kanina si bakla kasi may pinapahiram siyang DVD. Lalaki sa Parola. Sabi ko eh naipahiram na niya sa kin yun dati, sabay pa nga namin pinanood yun eh. Sabi ni bakla hindi raw, Part Two yung dala niya ngayon tsaka heto raw yung pinakauna. Ang gulo niya noh? Nanlalaki pa mga mata niya nung nagpapaliwanag siya eh. Sabi ko “Fren, hindi puwedeng magkaroon ng Part Two kung walang Part One.” Sabi ni bakla eh “Hay ganun ba yun?”
November 22nd, 2010 at 22:41
Thanks for the feedback! Uhm, any writing tips for me? I will wait for the next LitWit challenges for more exercise. By the way, I play a little violin, oops.
I like Brazo de Mercedes and The Harlotte Champion. :)
November 22nd, 2010 at 23:32
Children of Men…so that’s the title of the movie I saw when I was still in grade school or early high school. Is this the one where the pregnant woman was being hunted by something and she had to take a small boat to Europe? Wait, she was not exactly pregnant. The fetus was inside a jar and was carried around in a back pack. Maybe it was a deifferent movie.
I appreciate the Yucch-meter’s comments even though I’m not a participant. It’s like I’m getting a free writing workshop.
November 23rd, 2010 at 00:40
“It’s like I’m getting a free writing workshop.”the chronicler of boredom
Yun na!
November 23rd, 2010 at 07:29
# 25 Jara: thanks for the thumbs up.
congrats to momelia and cacs!
November 23rd, 2010 at 08:02
Yaman din lamang na nabanggit si Hadede eh nasa bahay kanina si bakla kasi may pinapahiram siyang DVD. Lalaki sa Parola. Sabi ko eh naipahiram na niya sa kin yun dati, sabay pa nga namin pinanood yun eh. Sabi ni bakla hindi raw, Part Two yung dala niya ngayon tsaka heto raw yung pinakauna. Ang gulo niya noh? Nanlalaki pa mga mata niya nung nagpapaliwanag siya eh. Sabi ko “Fren, hindi puwedeng magkaroon ng Part Two kung walang Part One.” Sabi ni bakla eh “Hay ganun ba yun?” >>> HAHAHAHA!
Good morning! I’m on Aussie time for forgive me :) Work kills. I need to be at the office at 6am T_T Anyway, enough about me, it’s time for Momelia! HAHAHA! I’m in detox but I snort coffee in the morning for you my dear!
Congrats to you & Cacs for winning :) Mabuhay ang mga nerds!
November 23rd, 2010 at 08:21
Yeay! Congrats to the winnerS! I love it when theres more than 1 winner :)
angus25: :) thanks. you made me smile today :)
November 23rd, 2010 at 09:41
@ #32 medy: Ngayon, application na sa mga natutunan.
My statement “It’s like I’m getting a free writing workshop” should be rephrased because its redundant.
It should just be “I’m getting a free writing workshop”. An affirmative statement.
O ayan. Application ng Revise and Revise Rule. Hahaha.
November 23rd, 2010 at 16:53
“It’s like I’m getting a free writing workshop.”the chronicler of boredom
Ampalayey! Flangak! Flat shoes ni Surely Fuentes! Tinuod!
This is very true. I’ve never written fiction prior to these Challenges, and I’m mighty appreciative that I participated. Palung palo kasi ang feedback naman!
November 23rd, 2010 at 23:54
book launching ni momelia na!! :-)
November 24th, 2010 at 02:30
@# 35 winnerific
-No problem. :) Naramdaman ko kasi ang “stab in the heart” sa Brazo.
November 24th, 2010 at 09:30
Momelia, bisdak diay ka? Dali, book launching na!!!