Hi Auntie Janey!
I love reading your responses to your letter senders! Straightforward, honest, exact advices, I so love that! The best ka po talaga!
I decided to take a shot and tell you my little piece of problem, and it goes like this: This started a long time ago, and it is still happening now. Now I feel the need to get this over with, with a few plans in mind, but I can’t seem to get to my final plan of finishing this off. Let me give you a little history or should I say background about my little piece of problem.
I have a crush on a gay guy. I decided to officially tag him as my “crush” because I believe he’s harmless (because he’s gay) and all I can ever do is just admire him. But as time passes by, it seems like he’s not totally harmless at all. He began to notice that I’m checking him out. Para pong ganito iyon analogy, I look at him and he would look back. An example scenario is this: there was even a time I caught him staring at me, there were times when I think he wants to do something, but never had the courage to do so. I tried my best not to assume anything at first; but I went ahead and over my head until I realized that I already have an interest of getting to know him more. I was not able to do anything about it because I’m extremely shy and I ain’t sure what’s his deal. Is it men? Is it women? Or both? Funny, isn’t it?
Fast forward to current-but-not-so-current turn of my little piece of life events. I never saw him for quite a long time. I thought I forgot about him, completely. Then there was a time I got a chance to see him and hang out with him. Ever since I got that chance as often as the situation permits, I started to feel something for him, and it made me really happy but annoyingly uneasy.
Unfortunately, that interest of getting close to him is still there, all this time. I hated that, dapat hindi na ganon. But I feel so happy and all-smiling every time I get the chance of hanging out with him. I know this sounds crazy and stupid, especially since I really think he is gay. Can I confess that I love that he’s like that, effeminate, soft, all-cute and charming. I can’t understand why but I love the way he is. Also, I still notice the same things I used to notice about him. All the more making me swirl into a pool of chaos and confusion. Yes, I am guilty of assuming he might actually like me. That little piece of assumption gave me a lot of sleepless, insomniac nights and I’ve had my share on the pool of tears too. I want my questions answered, but I honestly do not know how to get it.
I plan of telling him what I feel, this year. A year-round plan is long enough, but I still have my doubts as to whether I should do it or not. Whether it’s necessary or not. Maybe I could just wing it, try to forget it. But every time I rehearse my script, I ended up blabbering, rambling, just plain magulo. It felt right planning to tell him what I feel. I can even imagine that liberating feeling, finally it’s out there, finally he knows. But if he’s really gay and can never be interested in a girl like me and if I already know that I’m just headed for a great historical disaster of being dumped by an obviously homosexual man, then I shouldn’t do it. Rejection is pain, and pain is a hard thing to deal with. But sometimes, I think I’ll be ok with rejection because at least, I gave it a shot and I’ll have no regrets. At least I had the courage to face what I feel and I took action. Can you sense some confusion in me now?
Please give me slap-on-the-face (figuratively) advice on my little piece of problem. I can’t seem to get to my senses, I need my sane senses back. I feel so blank.
Lovingly hopeful for a destined love,
Thank you for the exclamation marks.
I cannot sense your confusion but I would say that you are inaccurate. You are not doing your job as an admirer. You are not even sure that your love interest is gay. In the third paragraph you declared that you have a crush on a gay guy. In the fourth paragraph, you pronounced him effeminate. Finally, in the fifth paragraph you pronounced him homosexual. You even asked “Is it men? Is it women? Or both? Funny, isn’t it?”
Ano ba talaga ateh? All this wringing of hands would be for nothing unless you confirm that you and your object of love are sexually compatible. Confeeerm mo muna because I feel that you are one of my people who are very susceptible to delusions. You should also polish your powers of observation. You managed to hang out with him and you did not even report on how he interacted with you? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I think there is some self-absorption and self-deception going on here. You only mentioned his actions towards you that you could interpret in your favor. Selective reporting! More tsks!
If he is gay, he might have been staring at you because he was thinking of ways to make you over. And confessing your love for him is absolutely NOT necessary. ARE YOU NUTS?! What do you need this drama for? Is your life so blah that you would humiliate yourself before a potentially gay guy? Do you know what that would do to your social life? You will be mocked as the lame girl who went out and confessed her love to a gay guy. Honey, this is something people will remember for a long, looooooong time. Wait, something just occurred to me, do you need attention?
If he is straight and interested, he would have made a move by now. You should have already heard whispers about his interest in you and his friends would have teased him and you when both of you are in the same vicinity. He would have made the most of the time that you hung out together to know you more.
Even if he turns out to be straight, I still advise against your planned confession. For one, it would be freaky for him if he is suddenly confronted by a girl who proceeds to confess her love. I have a feeling that despite the occasional interactions, the two of you don’t really know each other that well. For another, I believe that these romantic feelings of yours are a result of something else. This is not about the boy but really about you. You want DRAMA that’s why you have these musings on how liberating it would be to confess your love, on how you will be dealing with rejection, and on how there will be no regrets. Blah, blah, blah.
I should point out that most of the things that you’ve recited here are just assumptions. Maraming namatay sa maling akala.