Saffy is 12! Today she will grant wishes.
Happy Birthday, Saffron Sassafras Saoirse Sigourney Schmitz Scorsese Zafra-Safin!
We are not doing the annual advice thing because Saffy says all human problems are the same—Boring!—and humans should just get over themselves.
Instead of playing the Oracle, Saffy has consented to hear your wishes and grant the ones that please her.
You may petition her in Comments.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
June 15th, 2012 at 07:35
Trip to Venice
June 15th, 2012 at 10:05
Hi Saffy! Happy happy birthday, happy happy birthday, happeee birthdaaay sayo! (sung GMA Supershow style, with matching oversized bouquet of flowers).
If you can magically cure my dad’s health problems, that would be great. My mom needs a break from being a 24/7 caregiver.
On a more selfish note – my wish is that my new job will be more fulfilling than my current one and that my new officemates will be as smart and fun to be with as my current ones.
June 15th, 2012 at 10:55
Hello Saffy!
Happy Birthday to you! You are now officially the longest-living cat I know.
I should probably be giving you a present, but since you asked for a wish here is mine: a set of George RR Martin’s a Song of Ice and Fire. I am crazy for the going-ons over there in Westeros and got through the series by borrowing from friends who are likewise suffering from the same addiction. My own copies would be very nice.
Or you can just share a bit of your birthday cake with me. That works too.
June 15th, 2012 at 11:41
Happy birthday Saffy! I wish I can get a copy of the first edition print of Arnel Salgado’s The Fireless Inferno. I have a feeling that someday it will be a prized book that can be pawned at G&S Pawnshop. Thank you!
June 15th, 2012 at 12:08
Happy Birthday Saffy!
I wish to read a post on Marat Safin soon.
And I wish to know if the first Twisted book is out of print. My friends can’t find a copy of it (and my copy of it was never returned by a “friend”).
June 15th, 2012 at 12:46
Happy birthday, Saffy! May you have a great birthday, and may you remain as beautiful as always.
Not much else for me to wish for over here, except for grace under pressure for this academic year (easier said than done when there are 9 credits of Stat involved, but doable) and a more consistent schedule for exercise, at least to keep the stress at bay. Here’s hoping it all works out.
June 15th, 2012 at 12:50
steal me 2 books from your human. each not more than an inch thick. of course, you could charm her to sign them ‘Roger, for being an avid, rabid fan. JZ”
your gift is in the mail. :)
June 15th, 2012 at 13:24
germermerhan
You will find upon examining your favorite book that a cat has peed on it. Hahahaha!
June 15th, 2012 at 13:26
stellalehua
You will have surplus energy to take a long, head-clearing walk every day. Granted.
June 15th, 2012 at 13:27
angus25
A post on my papy! I shall inquire as to his political activities.
No it is not. You may ask at anvilpublishing@yahoo.com.
June 15th, 2012 at 13:30
mak
That is not likely to happen unless one of the current owners divests. You might contact the author himself but last we heard he was defending himself from charges of sexual harassment.Yiiiiiiiiiiii.
June 15th, 2012 at 13:32
greeneggsnham
We will buy you a drink. Check your email tonight.
June 15th, 2012 at 13:33
Wichita
Koosi is 13.
June 15th, 2012 at 13:34
kracle
All right. If you do not mind floods it is best to go in winter when Venice is not covered in tourists.
June 15th, 2012 at 14:04
Dear Saffy, help me convince her to stay in the Philippines as a practicing physician rather than going abroad for residency and eventually settling there. And if it is not too much to ask, help her realize that people change, even me.
June 15th, 2012 at 14:27
Edrie.
Your wish is granted. You must launch charm offensive. Emphasis on charm, not offensive.
Unfortunately people do not change.
June 15th, 2012 at 14:42
Happy birthday Saffy!
Seeing your photos and reading about you made me adore cats more than dogs. Please make me rich in 5 years so I could start building my indoor rainforest and I promise to let more pusakal live in than askals. Regards to the other felines.
June 15th, 2012 at 15:12
i’d like to lose 20 lbs saffy. happy birthday! :D
June 15th, 2012 at 15:51
Omedetou tanjobi Saffy!
I wish to have one pair of your human’s eyeglass frames as I have a big face and I want to take her advice of having large eyeglasses. And I want to sport a fearsome aura courtesy of her aura having rubbed off the frames.
June 15th, 2012 at 16:20
bloodberry
On the 6th anniversary of this website in September she will auction off eyeglass frames and other items for charity. We will let you know.
June 15th, 2012 at 16:24
dindin
Done. All you have do is cease eating fast food and keep no food in the house except for oatmeal and yogurt. And kibble for your cats.
June 15th, 2012 at 16:27
kotsengkuba
Do not discriminate against doggies. They need humans more than we do. You do not need to build an indoor rainforest. Simply lease one that already exists.
June 15th, 2012 at 17:01
Happy, happy birthday Saffy!
I hope my own cat, Hachi, could live as long as 12 years, too. Or even longer.
June 15th, 2012 at 17:10
Happy birthday Saffy! I wish that dogs and cats would stop fighting in our front yard, because they are fighting to the death and we are concerned with possible casualties.
Also, I wish to lose 20 pounds and gain some good books. :)
June 15th, 2012 at 17:37
Happy Birthday, Saffy! Wow, 12 years old. How old is that in cat years?
After putting up w/ a lot of crap and getting an undeserved salary deduction (again), I finally had the courage to leave my company of 3 years. I hope I get another job soon…
June 15th, 2012 at 18:15
Happy birthday, Saffy!
I’d love a Cormac McCarthy book or a good children’s book.
Wishing you and Jessica Z. a great life!
June 15th, 2012 at 18:53
happy birthday saffy!
i wish to have JUST ONE pair of jessica’s glasses or one of those earrings…
oh… i just read about the auction… can’t wait! :)
June 15th, 2012 at 19:45
Hi Saffy! Happy Birthday! Here’s to 12 years more!
I wish my own cat would live as long as you. She’s 10 and very sick. I’m unemployed right now (no luck with the job-hunting so far) and I can’t afford to take her to the vet. What should I do?
June 15th, 2012 at 19:54
cake
That is really up to hachi.
June 15th, 2012 at 19:57
amypond
Dogs and cats like to fight. To make them stop, throw water on them.
The weight loss is done. The thing is not to do things backasswards as humans are prone to do. You don’t lose weight in the hope that you will come to love yourself. You love yourself, and then you lose weight.
June 15th, 2012 at 20:02
super_insomniac
The concept of “birthday” is human, so 12.
You will get a job. At interviews never mention how much you hated your previous job. It makes you sound whiny and annoying. Tell them you want a change of scenery.
June 15th, 2012 at 20:03
Happy happy bday Saffy! I’ve been feeding stray cats at our backyard ; I can’t count your relatives but yesterday they were 6. although you might have love-hate relationship with dogs – our dachshund Kobe wishes you well along with our two new puppies – Daniel and Nathan (LOL)
Hope you can grant me a job right now – where I could ask my mom not to work anymore as she has been working for so long and that she’s been away for 11 straight years…
June 15th, 2012 at 20:04
Unless you are unemployed and destitute there is no reason you cannot buy your own books, eyeglasses or earrings. These items cost a few hundred pesos, they won’t bankrupt you. It is tacky to ask for material things, especially if you are addressing a cat. An object has no value unless you have given something in order to acquire it. This mendicant mindset must be eradicated.
June 15th, 2012 at 20:09
CCL
We will find you a vet who takes charity cases. Or find sponsors for her treatment. Tell us more about the cat.
Update: We got the information, thank you. We’ve sent out feelers and will email you in a couple of days. Hang in there.
June 15th, 2012 at 20:12
jeffwar314
You will get a job. Remember to send out applications.
June 15th, 2012 at 21:02
Thank you!
June 15th, 2012 at 21:20
hey, saffy. happy birthday! i wish you and your cat friends and your human a lot more good times.
i’ve 2 other wishes:
1.i’m switching jobs in a few months. hope that goes well.
2. jamie. it’s my birthday tomorrow and that’s all i want (naks)
June 15th, 2012 at 22:48
Hiya Saffy, hope you are having a lovely birthday. I am flying to the Philippines with my 7-year-old and 37-year old. I would like to ask for a nice peaceful flight, with no delays, no whining and no “I’m bored”s. I know that this will be quite a feat and if you can help me I would be ever so grateful.
Happy Birthday again and I hope you have many, many happy returns.
June 15th, 2012 at 22:54
Happy birthday Saffy!
I wish for my mom’s well-being.
June 15th, 2012 at 23:07
Two of my old family cats back in Manila passed the last couple months — in memory of them, I’m greeting a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Saffy!
I wish to get my own cat soon after we get a house here in US. Our apartment sucks as pets are not allowed. I just need all the blessings from Saffy.
June 15th, 2012 at 23:44
Happy Birthday Saffy! I wish you more birthdays to come with lots of catnip, or whatever pleases your highness.
I wish for peace between me and my baby’s daddy … i dont want baby girl to go through a custody battle so please grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change.
June 15th, 2012 at 23:52
Happy birthday, Saffy! I wish to be formally introduced to your master. The last time I saw her in person was during the iPhone4 launch two years ago. Also, I wish for more LitWit Challenges in the future. xxx
June 16th, 2012 at 01:58
johnbristol6
There would be more LitWit Challenges if there were more contestants. Why don’t you suggest some topics?
June 16th, 2012 at 02:01
CaitlynsMomma
You have nothing to fear; in the event of a battle, custody usually goes to mommy if the baby is below a certain age. However if it should come to a battle you will need an excellent lawyer so let us know.
Sending you a Patience upgrade. Good luck.
June 16th, 2012 at 02:02
ariadne
Your mom’s well-being is almost certainly linked to your well-being so assure her that all is well with you and she will feel better. And take her to a movie and lunch, she’d like that.
June 16th, 2012 at 02:03
bottlerocket
1. It will.
2. You’ll get this Jamie if he is not that guy from JP Morgan haha.
June 16th, 2012 at 02:05
jeffwar314
Thank you for looking after stray cats. If in one month you have not found a job send me your resume.
June 16th, 2012 at 02:08
snarkitteh
If your building does not allow pets, you could volunteer at an animal shelter. You have our blessings.
June 16th, 2012 at 02:11
kitkat
Air travel is frequently fraught with delays, strip searches (!), whining, “I’m bored”, and “Are we there yet?” I shall use my mutant powers to give you a pleasant trip, but do bring a good book and an iPod.
June 16th, 2012 at 02:14
Saffy!
Tanjoubi omedetou!
One night with Jon Snow/Kit Harrington please. ;)
June 16th, 2012 at 02:31
Thank you Saffy! Baby girl and i appreciate the patience upgrade. She’s only 4 months by the way.
June 16th, 2012 at 04:39
Happy b-day Saffy! It seems only yesterday when I was reading about you in the early Twisted series… now you’re 12!! Hmm… My wish is that I get my asshole ex back just so I can dump him (he lied and cheated) hahahaha. Nah, that would prolly be a waste of time. You prolly won’t grant that anyway. I wish for good health and good life for my family, a new boyfriend for me haha (good attitude and looks lol), and a fulfilling career. :))
June 16th, 2012 at 09:35
Happy birthday, Saffy! You look stunning as always. You’re entering adolescence, so good luck.
I wish for my dad’s recovery from his heart disease. I know it’s such a predictable human wish but unfortunately I’m a human and not a pretty cat.
Coffee table book with hot football players in skimp-wear is wish #2. Thanks saffykins!
June 16th, 2012 at 11:59
Alas, this is a greeting a few hours late. Happy Birthday Saffy! May you continue to pose photogenically for more blog posts of your human. :)
And here is my wish: Please do send subliminal messages to your human to publish more books. Although I did enjoy the Twisted Flicks and Twisted Travels books, the bits that cause me to double over with laughter the most (even while reading them out in public, much to dread of passersby), are the ones about your human; her life, experiences, and the lot. Saffy, tell her to cannibalize her life some more. Suggest that she call it “Twisted Me”, or better yet “Twisted, I Am” and on the cover could be a caricature Master Yoda wearing one of your human’s eyeglasses. :) Happy Birthday Saffy, please feed these transmissions to her as stealthily as you can, so she won’t assume its some kind of conspiracy. Hahaha.
June 16th, 2012 at 15:53
really Ms JZ? Wow really thanks! I’ve been a bum for 3 months now, positive that someone would call but missed it last night (or earlier this morning as they called me around 2am in the morning…to what email add will I send it to? Salamat! :)
June 16th, 2012 at 16:17
Happy birthday, Saffy the Fierce!
I wish you could give me “The Contortionist’s Handbook” by Craig Clevenger or any film by Audrey Hepburn. I saw the collection in National Bookstore but when I came back for it, it’s gone.
Anyway, if that wish is too much, can you just please advise the people behind National Bookstore to store and categorize the book properly and stop “customers” from tearing the books out of the plastic wrap? Whenever I go to the bookstore, I look at the books and I can almost hear them crying for help.
June 16th, 2012 at 16:57
jeffwar314
You will only get crap jobs at that level of reading comprehension. What part of “If…in one month” is difficult to understand.
June 16th, 2012 at 17:01
lestat
Join us for drinks with greeneggsnham. We will email you.
June 16th, 2012 at 17:12
blackcat
If you must actively search for a boyfriend instead of waiting for one to turn up, I suggest you take an interest in sports and attend sporting events. Don’t date the athletes as many of them are self-absorbed fatheads with deplorable grammar. Look at the other viewers. Your wishes are granted.
June 16th, 2012 at 17:17
f878
You will never have Kit Harington. I grant you a real life.
June 16th, 2012 at 17:27
My birthday is over in all hemispheres, what a relief. Humans are so tiresome and predictable, with all their wanting and importuning. Your species wins the evolutionary sweepstakes and you waste your time on trifles. Why do you yearn to be told what to do? You are not sheep. Sheep are dumb but warm, fluffy and delicious. I am Saffy, I have spoken.
June 17th, 2012 at 14:35
awaaaaaaard! noted on that! antaray nman :)
June 17th, 2012 at 16:41
Hi Saffy! I hope you had a great birthday.
I know you would only grant wishes on your birthday, but could you squeeze in this one? I wish all our “pet” stray cats would stop stealing food from the dinner table.
June 18th, 2012 at 13:33
CCL
Please check your email (the address you used to register on this site) as soon as you can. It’s about your cat.
June 19th, 2012 at 17:39
hi jessica. i saw that youre suspending litwit indefinitely in a latest post, but allow me to still suggest some ‘assignments’ here (since youve asked johnbristol for ideas)–
1) Write a sex-advice column
2) “Be auntie janey for a day” Publish a letter for auntie janey, but allow contestants to write the advice instead.
3) Modern love vs. ‘oldentimes’ love. (love affairs, the whole package, happen in sms today!) Was reading nytimes’s modern love anthology last saturday. Great book.
4) Youre a judge in a beauty contest, you’ve been given a chance to ask one question… (today, picking a judge’s name from a fishbowl is a fixture even in baranggay contests. I saw it this year one gay contest in tondo)
5) Answer the question from #9 (as a beauty queen of course)
6) Recall the hardest exam you’ve taken, and the most creative cheating you’ve done or seen. Write it as a short story.
7) Recall the hardest presentation that you’ve done at work, or the funniest/weirdest job interview question youve heard. Write it as a short story.
8) Something about philosophy, like write a treatise on philosophy or a technical article (eng’g paper), on a given topic. make sure to embody that hard-to-read writing :-) (I just watched three woody allens last weekend, and it’s funny how allen or his characters always say Kierkegaard’s name. Kierkegaard, Kierkegaard!)
9) Write a section of a screenplay starring _____ and _______
10) If you have 10M USD budget to do one pinoy movie, who would you cast and what would it be about? Write a partial sequence treatment.
11) More haiku contests (on a particular topic).
12) Write a short short story (a la lydia davis) at exactly 79 [or whatever number of] words. This is patterned after the current esquire ‘short short fiction’ contest. samples from dave eggers and others are here
http://www.esquire.com/fiction/fiction-contest-0612-eggers#slide-4
13) a day in the job (regular work day), some piece about your boss… there’s always irony at the workplace!
i dont have to elaborate on how much i look forward to reading the entries and your judging. they relieve tension from a long day at work. pls dont suspend litwit for too long.