WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN
We go to a quiet café to get some peace and naturally the last available table is next to a guy with a voice like a bullhorn. He’s alone, a fact that doesn’t stop him from producing enough noise for ten. He’s on his cellphone, talking in a voice that vibrates with the sense of its own importance. Perhaps he imagines that everyone in the place is dying to hear him so he’s doing them all a favor by killing their eardrums.
Loudmouth has the manner and inflections of the educated class, and the air of borrowed entitlement that wafts from the flunkies of the rich and powerful. (The rich and powerful do not have to announce that they are.)
Wait: he drops the name of an important person. We’re so impressed. He repeats it several times, in case the people in the next building didn’t hear it.
Why did we leave our iPod at home? Oh right, we thought we should listen to humanity. Well it’s not as if humanity can hear itself, it is braying like a donkey in a blender. Though the novel we are reading is delightful, we cannot help but absorb the details of the loud man’s conversation. Yes this is a loud city, but You Do Not Prevent Us From Reading.
We look his way several times to convey our disapproval at his one-man noise pollution campaign. He does not lower his voice. It is likely that he interprets our stares as admiration for his power, influence or looks, the unprepossessing types being the most convinced of their resemblance to Brad Pitt. His associates join him and it is established that his loudness was not due to a weak mobile signal. He’s just a rude, inconsiderate ass, and that’s an insult to the ass.
We’ve had it. There is one Samuel L. Jackson badass in this joint, motherfucker, and that’s us. Don’t be fooled by this girly dress because under it is a giant dick that will bitch-slap your skull in half.
“Miss,” we call the waitress, “Are there tables free on that side?” She says yes. “Then we’re moving there,” we say, pleasantly but loudly. “IT’S QUIETER.”
Silence falls over the next table. Ah, so you know we mean you. Come on, asshole. Give us an excuse. Bring on the vocabulary showdown. Words of five syllables or more!
From that point, conversation is conducted at a much less obtrusive volume.