The Extortionist’s Xmas Alphabet (from avaricious accessories to zany zygotes)
While searching in vain for our copy of Agincourt* (the popular history by Juliet Barker), we saw our Amphigorey collections by Edward Gorey and spent the next three hours laughing over our favorites.
From The Chinese Obelisks
Inspired by Gorey’s Gashlycrumb Tinies and other alphabets, we started writing our own verses for the holidays.
Help us complete our Xmas alphabet! Post your rhymes in Comments. The ones we like, we’ll add to the work in progress. Don’t feel compelled to start with C; pick any letter. Best couplet gets that History Channel leather notebook we showed you a couple of weeks ago.
M is for (bespoke titanium) Motorcycle
So we can say “Oye!” to J. Augusto Zobel
C is for Caran d’Ache to sign the tuition cheques
To send our kids to school with those of Posh and Becks
T is for Tiara to complete the delusion
Of nuptials impending to a jillionaire’s scion
* Rule of book-locating: The book you want is usually in the first place you looked.
* * * * *
Perhaps the instructions were vague. Consider the first two lines. The speaker wants alahas, preferably big, and a bag that is mamahalin. Who is the speaker? A social climber! (Then why isn’t it called The Social Climber’s Xmas Alphabet? Because the X in Extortionist goes with the X in Xmas.) So think pretentious, venal, shallow.
* * * * *
Darlings,
You suck at rhyme and metre, and even worse at gold digging. Why must you be such decent, upstanding folk?
The entries have improved, but you need to acquire that arch, mocking, horrible tone. We prescribe regular doses of Edward Gorey, beginning with these:
The Gashlycrumb Tinies
The Recently Deflowered Girl (Not for prudes)
We’ll accept this couplet from Momelia, which we have rewritten for added unscrupulousness.
And this rhyme from butoygirl, which we have divested of shame.
More! More! It’s easy when you’re awful.
N is for Nose job, that we might be mistaken
For socialites with ancestors sufficiently Iberian.
T is for Tickets to Paris and Milan
(Whoever flies us Coach is not a gentleman.)
F is for Ferrari, there’s no need to be coy.
We don’t desire to breathe the same air as the hoi polloi.
* * * * *
Day 2
At last! The combination of wickedness and panache we have been looking for (with very minor edits).
From stellalehua
Talipandas!
From tudor
Maldita!
From Ejia
The classic false pregnancy extortion scheme! Here’s another from Ejia (We have found a pro! Yikes).
From Ruth
Send us your couplets!
Z is for Zirconium, infomercial variety,
Until we get an upgrade from Pangilinan, Manny.
C is for Chauffeur (it sounds richer than “driver”)
Who has the same…qualities as Michael Fassbender.
T is for Tea from the hinterlands of the Caucasus.
We can’t tell the diff’rence but, from the price, it’s fabulous!
* * * * *
Day 3
* * * * *
EJIA wins the leather notebook! Please post full name (it won’t be published) in Comments.
Update: Ejia, your notebook has been delivered to National Bookstore in Rockwell. Just give your name to the Customer Service desk (tel. 897 4562). Enjoy.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
November 30th, 2012 at 23:13
C is for cake, calorie-laden monstrosities. With flavors so sinful that even the now-slim Juday can’t resist.
December 1st, 2012 at 00:33
1. What is extortionate about cake? Is there gold dust in the icing?
2. “Monstrosities” does not rhyme with “resist”.
3. The first and second lines must have about the same number of syllables.
December 1st, 2012 at 00:53
Can I skip a few letters? :)
E is for eyeglasses, vintage or cat’s eye, hell yeah.
Send them quick, I must drop them off at Sarabia.
heehee
December 1st, 2012 at 01:05
If you mean our optometrist Nella Sarabia, there’s no need for extortion. Her eyeglasses are the most affordable in this city.
December 1st, 2012 at 12:34
C is for Children, I’ll adopt from Serbia to Botswana,
Orphans are the new Louis handbag, am I right Angelina?
D is for Diamonds, baby they’re my bestest friend,
Make them miners work hard baby, Spend baby, spend
This is fun, ahahaha, will try to come up with more.
December 1st, 2012 at 12:37
R is for Regifting things that can’t be ignored.
With my amigas, fruitcakes don’t work anymore.
December 1st, 2012 at 12:59
Sorry, didn’t get the instructions at first. :)
L is for Louis Vuitton – luggage, handbags, watches, wallets, belts or booties;
Needless to say, the genuine item – lest they be known as Divi goodies.
December 1st, 2012 at 15:26
R is for Royce to gratify my dear lover’s sweet tooth
It’ll erase the night’s spat, and turn the rough to smooth.
D is for Ducati, and nothing else for me
Girls will come a-swoonin’, hey can you not see?
December 1st, 2012 at 15:32
S is for the Spirit that’s removed from my person
As I laugh at the poor and their meager provisions
(Haha, this is fun. I suck at rhyming, but I’ll try to think of some more.)
December 1st, 2012 at 15:33
P is for Pearl of the southern sea
Minions all, they dive only for me.
December 1st, 2012 at 15:46
E is for Everything that my lover cannot buy
Which is quite okay, since my husband can always try
December 1st, 2012 at 15:53
M is for Mostly, which is what their Christmas will be
Mostly poor, Mostly empty, Mostly hungry most especially
December 1st, 2012 at 16:01
M is for Maxed Out, as in what what my credit card will be
Oh no, wait, fooled you! Hee hee
Haha, kasi naman eh! Social climber mode, activate!
December 1st, 2012 at 22:34
X is for Xtra, ’cause enough’s out of date
We let us mate, and I accumulate
H is for Horse, a stallion if you please
Gotta rub elbows, it’s not me who’ll cease
G is for the Golden Buddha
Carrying the treasures of Yamashita
I is for iPhone 5, just released by Apple
Buy me one now; not, if you want the bite to fizzle
December 1st, 2012 at 22:50
I is for Ice-Cream Sandwich on my phone
But please no Bieber songs as ringtone
K is for Kindle, the e-reader to beat
For reading Fifty Shades while keeping discreet
W is for a wedding as grand as Carmina’s
Basta may live broadcast sa buong Pilipinas
December 1st, 2012 at 23:12
E is for Ethan Allen to decorate my palace
No Paco, no Caloocan, much less Galas
F is for Five Stars, Hotels Shang, Sofitel or Manila
Anything less will diminish my Louboutin’s oh-la-la!
December 1st, 2012 at 23:36
samutsari2012,
You’re probably a nice person as your many entries are devoid of basic grasping and scheming.
Ethan Allen is too subdued for a heinous gold digger, and there are pretentious hotels that claim to be 6 or 7 stars.
Here are some concepts for your consideration
Sheik from Saudi Arabia
Furniture by Kenneth Cobonpue
Yakuza operator (rhymes with “missing a finger”)
Sheets with a thread count of 12 hundred
Louboutin (rhymes with Cannes)
December 1st, 2012 at 23:42
L is for leather jacket, genuine dapat, kahit mainit sa Pinas.
Saan isusuot? E di pag lumabas ng bansa para magwaldas!
F is for fur coat, no faux, please, baby.
And give me the freedom to spend all your money.
K is for Kenneth Cobonpue pieces to furnish my condo
Para Brangelina’s place ang drama ng pad ko.
December 1st, 2012 at 23:49
P is for Painting of all the great masters
Art she knows not, but money has all the answers
E is for the Emirates Palace in the Middle East
For the bored fifth wife to relax and have some feast
W is for Whirlpool, massive, shiny and tall
Me do the laundry? Oh God no, not at all
F is for Formula 1 the ticket to which the cougar mama has bought
For the college student honey ’cause it’s the Grand Prix he sought
December 1st, 2012 at 23:53
hehehe. i probably need more practice. :-)
December 2nd, 2012 at 00:11
last entry:
I is for the Island paradise somewhere in the Caribbean
That my hubby bought for me, which I’ll share with lover Sean
December 2nd, 2012 at 00:17
This is fun!
O is for one night with Coco Martin.
Why? Because he’s “Yammy!” and – you know what I mean. :D
December 2nd, 2012 at 01:41
Z is for Zygote, though false it may be
Now, diamonds on finger! Immediately!
December 2nd, 2012 at 02:25
A is for Amerkan Akzint, the less vowels the better
never mind if they are slaving away in call center
Note: No offense to call center agents. This is fiction.
December 2nd, 2012 at 05:51
P is for perfume a few thousand dollars an ounce
Not Hayden’s lest you want the Cougar’s pounce
December 2nd, 2012 at 10:33
D is for Dubai, where my husband toils away
Knowing not of the sheik who lets me shop all day
H is for hairdresser flown in daily from Paris
Kerastase’s not enough for tending my tresses
G is for Greenhills, where your mistress stays
Now let’s have that threesome before she strays
December 2nd, 2012 at 12:01
M is for Mansions and many Mercedes-Benzes
Or to your wife sent photos of our trysts caught on lenses
December 2nd, 2012 at 12:04
Oops, didn’t notice there was an M already. Let’s rewrite that as B:
B is for Bentleys, Bugattis and Benzes
(insert the second line here)
December 2nd, 2012 at 12:13
Not a problem, a letter can have many stanzas.
December 2nd, 2012 at 12:26
R is for rubies. Oh please make them many.
I need something dazzling over my fake boobies.
December 2nd, 2012 at 12:35
L is for love. Dear, that I have no need.
Just give me a Lanvin. For that I will breed.
December 2nd, 2012 at 12:53
G is for Greenbelt for some real Gucci.
No more Greenhills Class A. Am I right, baby?
December 2nd, 2012 at 15:00
D is for DUI, booze from a friend’s party.
Hit a post like Lindsay, just another Bentley.
December 2nd, 2012 at 15:54
M is for the Mango Shake I order,
while I wait for a lonely foreigner.
E is for Ermita where I show off like a pussy
for my patrons from Japan, States, Australia, and Turkey.
F is for F-me pumps I try to rock and maneuvre
for the overseas freaks–fatter and older: the better!
December 2nd, 2012 at 16:46
pahabol:
I is for Inheritance that on his death bed my step-dad willed to me
Poor guy trembled after threats of incest in the eulogy
December 2nd, 2012 at 18:54
EDIT: F is for F-me Pumps I try to rock and maneuvre
for the overseas freaks–fatter and balder: the better!
B is for Boob Job I cannot afford,
but I had it! (‘Cause Daddy had been bored!)
December 2nd, 2012 at 19:44
J is for the private Jet on which the world I’ll travel,
if I’m to endure the common folk, my mind, it will unravel!
December 2nd, 2012 at 19:54
F is for Facundo, a servant at my will
If you can’t get me one at once, I’ll throw you to the grill
O is for Oblivious; that’s what you are to me
An Hermes bag is what I want, why can’t you just see?
December 3rd, 2012 at 12:27
G is for Grills of silver like that of Lil Wayne’s.
Don’t use Jewish gold lest Magneto goes insane.
December 3rd, 2012 at 13:03
N is for Nicholas Ghesquiere, whose name I have trouble pronouncing.
Who cares anyway? Just as long as papi can afford to buy his things.
December 3rd, 2012 at 13:35
R is for the Russians and their divine Faberge eggs,
Or I tell the wife that yours have been “Russian” between other girls’ legs.
December 3rd, 2012 at 13:43
R is for Rhinoplasty and a nose that of Mila Kunis.
For that gallantry, I’ll allow you to smash my portcullis.
December 3rd, 2012 at 13:49
F is for Faberge and its Russian Imperial Easter Eggs,
Or I tell the wife that yours have been “Russian” between other girls’ legs.
December 3rd, 2012 at 13:51
S is for Surgery and a face like that of Mila Kunis.
For that gallantry, I’ll allow you to smash my portcullis.
December 3rd, 2012 at 13:59
T is for Tokyo where you’ll take me to shop ’til I drop
And go downtown on me for just one grand a pop.
December 3rd, 2012 at 14:03
B is for Barcelona, take me there for the thrill.
Just don’t forget the wine and the morning after pill.
December 3rd, 2012 at 15:31
As terrible as I am with rhyme and metre, I could not resist this:
V is for Vegas, and one night with Prince Harry –
HRH approves of us! Get lost, TMZ!
December 3rd, 2012 at 22:12
Y is for my husband’s Yacht, to sail the ocean blue
and also for his Yong Male Lover – I think I’ll get one, too!
December 4th, 2012 at 02:15
W is for Wimbledon, courtside tickets no less
Feign amazement I shall, over Roger’s finesse
December 4th, 2012 at 04:09
S is for St. Barts with beaches chic and pristine.
A charter Boeing now or else pray I’m over eighteen.
December 4th, 2012 at 08:27
S is for St. Bart’s with beaches chic and pristine.
A charter Boeing now – or else pray I’m over eighteen.
December 4th, 2012 at 09:34
L is for Lavender Marriage – let’s not make this weird.
Just take me to Harrods daily and I’ll remain your beard.
December 4th, 2012 at 11:05
M is for Marriage – though lavender, don’t make it weird.
Just take me to Harrods daily and I’ll remain your beard.
December 4th, 2012 at 13:06
Awww! Would’ve loved to be the proud owner of that journal! Haha!
Wish I’d seen this challenge a day sooner. Would’ve greatly improved in my couplet-writing throughout the duration of this challenge, I think. But this was really fun to do!
December 4th, 2012 at 13:34
Z’s the zaftig figure which was caused, I do pretend,
By binging in the joints on list that Zagat siblings penned.