JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Oh look, a new product from GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. It’s called Immortal Text. I’m guessing it means you have to be immortal to use it, because it takes several human lifetimes for your text message to arrive.

I sent the Tattoo a P97 load by text last Wednesday. Today is Saturday and it has still not arrived. I loaded P300 by card last Thursday. P165 of it vanished in 12 minutes of 0.00 kbps. Amazing! Could this have happened because, all together now, GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP?

Interesting how people I work with have been contacted by Globe reps but no one has thought to respond to me. The person who complained in the first place. Could it be. . .Terror?

I’m waiting, Globe. By the way, my stats have gotten a big boost and I’ve received lots of comments from people who have experienced the sheer hell of using GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. Thanks! Oh, and you owe me for the free rebranding.

Peter Finch as the very, very angry anchorman in Network. I’m guessing he tried GLOBE PREPAID TATTOO, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

Number of times I have taken up my concerns with Globe representatives: 2.

On Thursday morning at 1 am, I called the Globe helpline 211 and told a tech support person about the vanished load. He said to call back in 24 hours if the load still had not arrived. I said, Isn’t loading supposed to be instantaneous? He said, Yes, but there may be system maintenance going on in your area blablabla, call back in 24 hours.

On Friday at midnight I checked the balance on the GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. The load had not arrived. Rien nada nothing.

On Thursday afternoon smoke started coming out of my ears. To vent my rage I asked my friend who works at the ad agency handling the Globe account to have a Globe tech person call me. At 2.30 pm I got a call from a Globe rep who listened to the history of my GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID HELL. I tried to be polite, though I’m told that my polite voice is even more terrifying than my regular tone. The Globe rep said he had an idea what the cause of the problem was, but he would have to check his theory.

Exactly 24 hours have elapsed since that conversation, and no one has gotten back to me. Perhaps the Globe rep had to get skin grafts on his smoldering ear after that phone call.

Lest we be viewed as unreasonable, let us explain why we say GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

1. It works right after you have reloaded, well enough to make you think that the service will be fine from that moment on. However, as your load decreases, so does the speed, and when the load is down to half, the connection starts fluctuating rapidly from 15 kbps to 0 then 23 then 0 then 80 to 0 and so on, always going to zero. You cannot open a page with a connection like that, much less download a file.

I tried reloading by text even before the previous load ran out, and what do you know, the connection speed shot right up! GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP THAT EATS MONEY.

2. To my knowledge, the connection cost is P5 for 15 minutes. Often the connection fluctuates wildly within those 15 minutes, so you’re not really getting 15 minutes of service. And then the connection terminates itself before the 15 minutes are up! But it has already eaten your P5, because GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP THAT EATS MONEY.

3. Sometimes the connection is stable, and you manage to surf with relative ease for 30, even 44 minutes. At 44 minutes, 45 seconds, you hit Disconnect. But the unit takes a long time to disconnect, and when the timer stops it’s at 45 minutes, 2 seconds. Those two seconds cost the same as 15 minutes because GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP THAT EATS MONEY.

4. There are times when you cannot connect at all. Perhaps there is no Globe signal in my area. . .and I live in Makati! Oddly enough, my postpaid Globe mobile phone always works. Could it be that GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP BECAUSE IT IS PREPAID? Do prepaid users not deserve the same level of service as postpaid users, who after all make up a small portion of the user base?

5. I was unused to the ways of prepaid loading, so in September I bought a Globe prepaid load card in order to try it out. However the fine print on the card said it would only work with a Globe prepaid SIM. I was not in the mood to turn off my cellphone, replace the SIM, load it using the card, turn off the phone again, put my postpaid SIM back, turn the phone on, etc.

My sister has a prepaid Globe cellphone so I asked her to load the P100 into her phone, then text the load to me. Which she did. She got a confirmation text. The load send by text never made it to THE GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. Apparently, the ether ate it.

I’m just getting started. Jessica, don’t you have more exciting things to do than rant about a useless gadget that gyps the public? Yes, but this is easy because I write very fast. Unlike GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

This entry was posted using Rockwell’s free wi-fi.

This is me, livid. You can tell I am thermonuclear with rage because I am smiling but my teeth are not showing. If my teeth are showing, it is a real smile. This smile says, “I am going to dismember you and feed the chunks to your children.” Yes, I am going to go Titus Andronicus on your ass, and I don’t care that you don’t know what a Titus Andronicus is.

I am catatonic with fury because not only has my schedule been disrupted by my futile attempts in the last 12 hours to connect to the Internet using a prepaid Globe Tattoo portable broadband gadget, but a total of P430 which I loaded onto the Globe Tattoo prepaid SIM has disappeared into the ether. Which leads to the inescapable conclusion: GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

I had intended to review the Globe Tattoo Prepaid in my Gadgets column on Sunday, but blogging is faster and I do not have to wait three days to say that GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. Do I sound unnaturally calm? I always sound too calm when I am incensed, my voice drops an octave, and I talk twice as fast as I usually do, which is FAST. Unlike the slow, inefficient, unreliable, and now thieving GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

From the time I acquired a mobile phone five years ago I have been a postpaid subscriber. This is my first experience with a prepaid SIM, and I say to you prepaid mobile users: You’re getting screwed. We postpaid subscribers don’t get billed until we’ve used the service, and if the service fails we do not get charged. You have to pay before you get the service, and if you don’t get the service, the provider is not compelled to address the problem because hey, they’ve already taken your money. Whoopee-doo.

Consider this little experiment. The SIM of the GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT USELESS PIECE OF CRAP, could connect to the Internet easily enough, but its speed did not exceed 2 kbps. The unit still had a load of P100, which I know because I saved all the confirmation texts and balance reports. On the chance that the prepaid SIM was damaged, I took it out and replaced it with the postpaid SIM from my phone. Holy Cannoli, it worked perfectly. It achieved speeds I never knew were possible on GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT USELESS PIECE OF CRAP. Hmmm. Postpaid, fast. Prepaid, so slow as to be nonexistent. Draw your conclusion.

I know how these problems are always solved. You complain to someone you know high up in the Globe hierarchy, and the problem goes away. It is as if the problem never occurred, everyone is charming, and Jaime Augusto Zobel de Ayala will say, “Hey, how about that new Stieg Larsson book.” Guess what, I am not calling the overlords. This is not about friendship. Globe, you’re going to deal with me as a consumer. A very loud consumer. I blog every single day, and I enjoy it. For starters, explain to me how the balance on my GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT USELESS PIECE OF CRAP, can go from P308 to P142 in 12 minutes of surfing at 0.00 kbps, and where the P100 from last night went. Now.

This entry was NOT POSTED USING A GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID because GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A USELESS PIECE OF CRAP.

Photos from What are we doing to our planet? in Ohlala.

What have we learned from the cataclysm of this weekend, besides the speed at which our lives can turn into a schlocky Roland Emmerich movie?

We have learned that when it comes to matters of life and death, we cannot count on the national government. (Local government units did the best they could, but they needed help from the national government.) If we cannot count on the government to deliver basic services or rescue our citizens in times of calamity, and we stopped expecting official honesty and integrity years ago, what exactly is government for? (First official to say, “But we weren’t expecting something that bad” needs a little Marikina-Cainta flood waterboarding.)

We have learned that disaster strikes all demographics and that famous people can also sit on the roof awaiting rescue, but as always it is the poor who suffer the most. We have learned that everyone who’s anyone blathers on about saving the environment, fighting climate change, and not using plastic bags, but all that amounts to is a pool of drool that only makes the floodwaters rise.

We have seen where our taxes went. . .no, where the hell did they go? We have learned that mobile phones are a convenience in ‘normal’ times but we cannot count on them working When We Really Need Them. The fucking signal just goes pffft.

The main lesson is: We’re going to have to save ourselves.

The Good Ideas Forum was canceled due to cataclysm but we can still use our heads. 1. Now that we know how fast and how bad the situation can get, every barangay needs to have a disaster preparedness program. For starters, every barangay needs to have those rubber boats.

My grocery chores done, I walked to the taxi stop to catch a ride home. As I approached the door leading to the taxi stop, a heavyset man darted in front of me, barely avoiding a collision, and parked himself in front of the queue. Since there was no one else standing in line, there really was no need for the person to cut in front of me. (Bakit siya sumisingit, e wala namang pila?)

I gather this. . .queue-jumper. . .did it for the sheer pleasure of annoying total strangers, or maybe he was in the habit of racing people to the taxi stop. Usually it is best to leave such individuals alone—perhaps he needs this split-second sense of triumph (“Nakaisa”) to make up for the general misery of his daily existence.

It could also be a case of what my friend calls “utak-gutom”, famine mentality, the feeling that if one does not hurry up and take whatever he can, there will be nothing left for him. “Parang mauubusan”. (Do you ever observe how people behave at buffet restaurants? It is a subject worthy of the National Geographic. Note the diners who, though clearly neither destitute nor starving, heap their plates with food then leave most of their meal untouched. That’s utak-gutom.)

Emily Postal at the taxi queue in Emotional Weather Report, today in the Star.

On my way to UP for the premiere of Kinatay I received a text joke.

‘Carlo Caparas named National Artist for Visual Arts and Film.’

Hahahahaha, I replied.

Then I remembered where I am.

I’m in the Philippines where the bizarre is ordinary and the ordinary is bizarre.

So I checked. It is not a joke. It is the Ultimate WhattheFuck.

All this week I’ve been blue for no particular reason. I thought I was depressed. This news snapped me right out of whatever funk I was in. My non-problems are nothing compared to this Cosmic Absurdity.

So thank you, Malacanang. You have banished my ennui and replaced it with full-blown Insanity.

Art is Shit. Shit is Art. Mediocrity is Excellence. To quote the bomba star Stella Strada’s suicide note, It’s a crazy planets!

*****

Our friend Noel Orosa is returning to Manila Friday after a year in KL. Hey Noel, Carlo Caparas is a National Artist now. Welcome home, bitch.