Twisted by Jessica Zafra – Pumping irony since 1994

Archive for the ‘Current Events’

Abe Florendo.

August 11, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events 1 Comment →

Abe Florendo, journalist, editor, and soul of kindness, died last Sunday. He was cremated yesterday morning. A wake will be held at his house in BF Resort, Las Pinas until Wednesday, after which his ashes will be taken to Ilocos.

Abe was our lifestyle editor at TODAY. He encouraged young writers, listened to everyone’s ideas no matter how bizarre, and always kept his sense of humor. We will deal with his death the way we always deal with the deaths of people we love—we just don’t believe it. Sometimes we think we spot our friends in public places, and we have to remind ourselves that they’re dead.

Many years ago, Abe’s mother died and was cremated in the US. Her ashes were flown back to the Philippines. One day at the office, Abe told us to hurry up with our articles because he had to leave early. “Mother’s in the car,” he told us.

For a moment we thought Abe was bananas with grief. “Abe,” we said, “your mother is dead.”

“I know that,” he said. “Her ashes are in the car. I picked her up at the airport.”

It really is the end of an era.

SWOT Analysis: PNoy’s Last SONA

July 28, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events No Comments →


The play of words in lines like “May pumapasok nang madilim pa, at may umuuwing madilim na—pero lahat sila, naiiwan sa dilim dahil hindi sapat ang oras ng pag-aaral” (Some went to school when it was still dark, others went home when it was already dark, but everyone was in the dark…) gave it rhythm.

His claims are supported by figures and percentages: dividends from GOCCs, revenues generated by BIR, budget reform, global competitiveness and economic growth, investment-grade credit rating, net foreign investments, domestic investments, growth of the manufacturing sector, lowest unemployment in a decade, better opportunities so OFWs can return to the Philippines, improved labor relations, support for education, wider heath coverage, etc. Admittedly numbers are not thrilling and many listeners may have tuned out, but how else do you illustrate improvement? Besides, we will know that we have matured as a nation when our politics becomes boring. Perhaps aware that reciting numbers makes listeners sleepy, he closed out the math section by quoting Aiza Seguerra: “I thank you, bow.” Later he provided a helpful summary for listeners who had just woken up.


Aquino absolves Transportation Secretary Joseph Abaya for the atrocious state of the MRT, heaping the blame on the private corporation maintaining it. “Di po ba miski sinong kumpanya, dapat sinisigurong masusulit ang kanilang investment? Pero hinayaan lang nilang lumala nang lumala ang situwasyon hanggang umabot sa puntong ipinasa na sa atin nang ora-orada ang pagsasaayos ng MRT.” (Whatever the company, shouldn’t they be ensuring a return on their investment? But they let the situation get worse and worse…) Why are you complaining to us about how your private partner runs the MRT? You’re the government! The MRT is a public utility!


Aquino points out that politicians exploit the forgiving nature of Filipinos (which we ascribe to very poor memory and a refusal to do anything that might cause other people to dislike them), chanting “Kawawa naman kami” (Poor pitiful us) all the way back to power. This is the closest he got to criticizing his “bosses”. “May naalala ba kayong nagsabing, ‘Sorry sa pagnanakaw at pang-aabuso, handa na akong magbago?’” (Do you recall anyone saying, ‘Sorry for the theft and abuse of power, I am ready to change?’”)


In detailing efforts to upgrade the Armed Forces (the Air Force now has actual planes) and the National Police, he cited these statistics: In Metro Manila, from January to June 2014, there were 37 murders and homicides every week. The number is now down to 23 murders and homicides. There were 919 cases of robbery, theft and carjacking every week, but they’re down to 444 cases a week. What! That many?! The stats may be down, but it still sounds like a crime wave.

Read our column at InterAksyon.

Welsh government responds to UFO reports in Klingon

July 14, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events No Comments →


Klingon was the chosen language for the Welsh government in its response to queries about UFO sightings at Cardiff Airport.

While English and Welsh are the usual forms of communications in the Senedd, it opted for the native tongue of the enemies of Star Trek’s Captain Kirk.

Shadow Health Minister Darren Millar had asked for details of UFOs sightings and asked if research would be funded.

A Welsh government spokesman responded with: “jang vIDa je due luq.”

The Welsh government statement continued: “‘ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.”

In full it said it translated as: “The minister will reply in due course. However this is a non-devolved matter.”

It is believed to be the first time the Welsh government has chosen to communicate in Klingon.

vIDa majQa’.

Read it at the BBC.

The World Domination Theory applied to Philippine-Chinese relations

July 06, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events, World Domination Update 1 Comment →


At Tina’s birthday brunch someone mentioned that due to the One Child policy in China and the common preference for male children, there will be, if there isn’t already, an imbalance in the male to female ratio in their population. Apparently if ultrasound tests showed that the fetus was female, many couples chose to terminate the pregnancy and try again for a male child. Leading to a shortage of females.

Right now our relations with China are strained due to territorial disputes. We know they are bigger, stronger, richer than we are. However, we are not entirely powerless in this situation. We have leverage: our culture is the friendliest, least xenophobic on the planet, and we have a surplus of females who have difficulty finding suitable partners because the most attractive ones are gay.

Therefore it is in the best interest of both countries to maintain friendly relations. Filipinas need husbands, and the Chinese need wives. In fact, their need is greater than ours. Due to systemic ineptitude in the job market, Filipinas have been migrating to other countries for decades, and they have no trouble finding husbands abroad (Hence our entertainment personalities and national sports teams). Filipinos have an excellent track record at marrying foreigners; the Chinese not so much. But the Chinese need to marry because unless their cloning capabilities can make up the shortfall, they’re going to be underpopulated in a generation or so.

So be nice to the Filipinos, because who do you think you’re going to marry?

This is our idea so we get dibs on Tony Leung provided he still looks like the 2046 edition.

The Jerk (1979) on the Rachel Dolezal issue (2015)

June 18, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events, Movies No Comments →

Going by Dolezal’s reasoning, everyone in the Philippines is transracial because they feel that they’re white. Except for the hardcore hip-hop fans who think they’re black.

Viva Vuvalini: Mad Max Fury Road reviewed by a 70-year-old lady

May 22, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events, Movies No Comments →


The story was developed quickly. No nonsense early on, just jumped right in and held my attention. I thought the drums were a good vehicle for raising the tension. The band kept things lively. Elements were always being introduced throughout the journey, it never faltered. At the end, they realized their journey was back at the beginning, to go back and make life better for all the people being enslaved and suffering at the Citadel.

Old women were treated very respectfully in this film. I liked that too. They weren’t ridiculed at all, they played important and strong roles, nurturing yet powerful. I don’t understand what those men Men’s Rights Activists are saying about Mad Max; that’s ridiculous. They should be proud at the way men were portrayed in this film. Max acted like a true man, he showed courage and strength. He held men’s standards very well, came in there like a true man and helped those in need. And they’re angry about the theme of men destroying the world and starting wars compared to women nurturing and rebuilding it, but that’s just a reality.

Read Mad Max: Fury Road reviewed by a 70-year-old lady. Via the AV Club.

* * * * *

We need to see Mad Max in IMAX. Please be showing this weekend please.