JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Kevin is fascinated with dinosaurs and Godzilla. He’s been a fan of Gojira since he was 5, having discovered the Japanese Godzilla movies on YouTube. His YouTube handle (for when he actually posts a video one day) is GodzillaFan8889 (Dorski, his mother, has no idea why). He has eight Godzilla figures so far, the newest addition being Godzilla 2014 with Atomic Roar (a blue flame shoots out of his mouth).

Warning: Contains spoilers. (We’ve redacted the biggest ones, but still.)

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Opening Credits
Here it is…I think this is it…(with a tinge of doubt as newsreels are shown)

Title
Oh my gosh, yes! It’s Godzilla!

15 minutes in
Ewww. They’re kissing! (the people)

00:20:00
Muto! IT’S THE MUTO!

00:30:00
It’s been 30 minutes and still no Godzilla.

00:45:00
Yes! I see his huge tail!

01:15:00
Ewww. They’re kissing! (the others)

01:30:00
Wow! It’s an epic battle! Fight!

01:45:00
I hate this movie.

02:10:00
I love this movie!

We totally agree with Kevin. Godzilla brings back the Godzilla we love. (We have no memory of the 90s Godzilla, just the urge to stomp something.) Director Gareth Edwards’ approach is Spielbergian without the rampant sentimentality. Bryan Cranston is its emotional core. True, Bryan Cranston can do no wrong in our eyes—we don’t care if others see him as a ham sandwich in a fright wig. Any chance he could be in Game of Thrones? (If Mycroft Holmes can be in the Iron Bank of Braavos, couldn’t Walter White be Jon Connington? The Three-Eyed Crow? The Mad King?)

Thanks to Noel Pascual for sending us a copy. Tabi Po, Issue # 1 is available at National Bookstores.

Tabi Po messes with your head. It’s real horror, set in a cruel world that offers neither comfort nor explanation. Here, the human condition is dread. The masterstroke: it is inspired by the novels of Jose Rizal. In 19th century Philippines, a young man, awakens from a deep sleep with no memory of who or what he is, only a bottomless craving for human flesh. He is an aswang, our local ghoul that transforms itself into a black dog and eats people. When he devours his prey, his consciousness merges with the cosmos. His name is Elias, and he makes his way to the town of San Diego…It’s a weird and beautiful trip.

Read our column, coming up at InterAksyon.com.

There are probably too many serial killer crime shows on television. They all have protagonists who possess a special understanding of the serial killer mind, as if they went through high school illustrating that quote from Nietzsche on the backs of their binders (“When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you”), then majored in Monster Psych in college. The current shows range from excellent (The Fall, True Detective), to amazing-looking (Hannibal), to stupid (The Following). Someday soon we will get sick of all these shows, but for now we are watching the new A&E series Those Who Kill.

From the title we may glean that it is not about girls looking for love in the big city. Those Who Kill is the American version of the Danish crime series based on the novels of Elsebeth Egholm—the Scandinavians seem to own the bleak existential crime genre. Our primary reason for watching Those Who Kill: Chloe Sevigny. We love her. Cast her as a relentless police detective with personal issues, and you know she will be a fabulous relentless police detective with personal issues.

In Those Who Kill, Chloe plays homicide detective Catherine Jensen, who slouches as if Juergen Teller were in the immediate vicinity. In the first episode, she correctly deduces that a serial killer is at work, and she asks forensic psychologist Thomas Schaeffer for advice on how to catch him. In an interesting bit of casting, Schaeffer is played by James D’Arcy, who was Psycho star Anthony Perkins in Hitchcock. Schaeffer has been at odds with the police department because of his unorthodox methods, etc, etc, you’ve seen this before. What sets it apart from the dozens of shows in its category are the sparky interplay between Jensen and Schaeffer, and the glimpses into Jensen’s troubled childhood, which may account for her fascination with monsters. Put it this way: people do not slice themselves for laughs. In the second episode we expect to meet Jensen’s stepfather (Bruce Davison), who may hold the key to the disappearance of her brother at age 16.

After the thrilling first episode, the challenge is to find villains who are freakier than Chloe, who can scare you just by removing all expression from her face. We’re such fans of Chloe, we even love fake Chloe.

Those Who Kill airs every Thursday at 9pm on JackCity—channel 31 on free TV, 72 on SkyCable , 60 on Destiny, 40 on Cable Link, and 22 on Cignal.

Movie #5 was Breakfast at Tiffany’s, our umpteenth viewing. Movie #6 was Take the Money and Run, also our umpteenth viewing.

This review was inspired by Monsterpiece Theatre’s stunning production of Me, Claudius.

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Me, Cookie Monstress, watch Me, Frankenstein for one reason: Aaron Eckhart. Harrum-nom-nom-nom. Aaron Eckhart, best known for Two-Face, brilliant at playing super-articulate assholes (In the Company of Men, Thank You For Smoking) and he have granite-y handsomeness me love. Aaron look like Nikolaj Coster Waldau, me think they twins. Me still mad he not punch anyone in the face in stupid White House attack movie Olympus Has Fallen. Why? Why?

No, wait. Me have other reason for watching Me, Frankenstein. We in Church of Whedon love demon-slaying and angels vs demons stuff like the one with Viggo Mortensen as Lucifer. Cookie! Me not watch Underworld movies but the makers of those bake this one, too. Instead of vampires fighting werewolves, gargoyles fighting demons. Original!

Aaron Eckhart play Frankenstein’s creature in 21st century. For someone 195 years old and stitched together from parts of eight corpses, him hot! Mmmm, six-pack. He not eat cookies, me think. In case you finicky, creature’s dad is Frankenstein so that his name, too. Frankenstein monster delicious as long as no smell of putrefaction. Me hate that.

Demons in suits led by Bill Nighy out to get him so they can figure out reanimation technology. Why they need that, demons have no powers? Gargoyles led by Eowyn of Rohan try to stop them. Yes, scary statues in cathedrals are really forces of good. Gargoyle general is son of Bruce Willis in crap Die Hard in Russia. Mmmm, cookie! Demons can be destroyed with sacred objects like swords with gargoyle sigil or holy water.

Me ask: Why not bombard demons with holy water cannon? Oh right, this dumb movie. But fun! in bananas way. Mmm, bananas. Me like bananas but me like cookies more. There should be Aaron Eckhart cookies and Nikolaj Coster Waldau cookies.

Me recommend Me, Frankenstein if you like Aaron Eckhart, Nikolaj Coster Waldau, demon-slaying and popcorn with extra butter. And cookies. Sesame Street, please don’t sue me. Mary Shelley, maybe you should sue Me, Frankenstein but creature in public domain. Oh right, it’s Frahnkensteen!

It takes two hours in the make-up chair with the brilliant prosthetics artist Cheryl Cabanos and her team administering pee-smelling latex and shreds of toilet paper to your face.

We play a zombie in Ang Huling Henya (The Last Genius), written and directed by Marlon Rivera. Specifically, ourself as a zombie. Yes, years of bugging our friends to give us cameos in their movies has paid off at last! Marlon warned us that a zombie’s life is hard: you get more make-up on than a drag queen, and sticky with sugar syrup blood. That’s actually what sold us on the part.

The make-up would’ve taken another three hours, but Marlon explained that we were only a 6-hour-old zombie and not yet in total disintegration. Also we could keep our glasses on.

So two hours to apply the prosthetics and just five minutes to rip it off. As a bonus, your zits and blackheads come off with the latex, so it’s like a facial.

Ang Huling Henya opens in late May.

Half the year is over (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) but you still have time to show your colleagues, clients and competitors a sight they won’t forget.

Beautiful, hideous science-fiction and horror masks knitted by Tracy Widdess. via io9.

This one says, “We’re not parting with our network for less than Php200 Billion.”

And this one gives you credibility when you cry, “Of course it’s a super-duper-mega-monster-blockbuster-bonanza! Don’t listen to the people who actually saw it!”

Can’t argue with that face.

Meanwhile, in art crime news, read the curious case of the Spongebob artist, three ninjas and a gallery owner.