JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Personal blog of Jessica Zafra, author of The Collected Stories and the Twisted series
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Archive for July, 2007

If it were the Village People, we’d be up in arms.

July 08, 2007 By: jessicazafra Category: twisted by jessica zafra No Comments →

On the occasion of Live Earth, here’s a piece from last year by psychology professor Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling On Happiness, explaining why we aren’t more freaked out by global warming.

If only gay sex caused global warming.

Colma!

July 07, 2007 By: jessicazafra Category: twisted by jessica zafra No Comments →

I asked Raymond Lee if he’d seen any Fil-American movies that did not feature the eating of balut as a challenge to one’s bravery, and he said Colma! The film written by H.P. Mendoza and directed by Richard Wong opens today in Manhattan. It got a glowing review in the New York Times,  inspiring critic to employ wince-making high school principal phrase, ‘that terrifying adventure called life’.

“The teenagers in “Colma: The Musical” don’t really burst into song, uvulas violently quivering and fists grasping for fame. For the most part they just slide into the music and lyrics as if slipping into the comfort of bed, far from the world and its racket. An itty-bitty movie with a great big heart, “Colma” is about three young people on the brink of that terrifying adventure called life, but it’s also about how we learn to give voice — joyfully, honestly, loudly — to the truest parts of ourselves, parts not everyone else hears. . .”

Double, double, bile and sugar

July 06, 2007 By: jessicazafra Category: twisted by jessica zafra No Comments →

On a Saturday morning in Malate, sometime last year, there was a girl scout event at that plaza in front of Malate Church. Scores of girl scouts in uniform, maybe hundreds. Then a big Red Bull truck pulled up and started handing out Red Bull to the girls in green. Who guzzled the stuff like water. Hyper girl scouts! Here’s what’s in Red Bull. Nothing suspicious: just meat sugar, stuff found in bull’s bile, and something called glucuronolactone.

Glossary: Bonga

July 05, 2007 By: jessicazafra Category: twisted by jessica zafra No Comments →

Jeffrey Jeturian coined a word some years ago which I’ve decided to adopt: bonga, short for ‘bobo na, tanga pa’ (not just moronic, but clueless). It is not to be confused with ‘bongga’, two g’s, meaning fabulous. It’s time we start calling a bonga a bonga; no point in being charitable when we’re so badly outnumbered.

Here’s an example of bonga. You know how everyone’s been doing bossa nova albums or covering old songs, bossa nova style? Well one of the perps recently visited a friend’s workplace, so my friend put on some Astrud Gilberto. The alleged bossa nova singer said, “Ay! Sino siya?” (Who’s that?) Bonga! Bonga nova to be exact.

I just saw a bonga movie: Die Hard 4.0, also known as Die Flaccid. We didn’t expect much of this movie because face it, it would not exist if Bruce Willis still had a career, but it’s crushingly bad and not at all fun. Bruce can’t be expected to learn any new things at this stage, so I was counting on Timothy Olyphant to make it work. Unfortunately Timothy as a villain is less threatening than Mat my neutered cat. Timothy was Sheriff Bullock in HBO’s magnificent Deadwood— believable because he has a straight-arrow, square-jawed, two-dimensional good guy quality (and he’s pretty). Which does nothing for a supervillain, who must possess gravitas, radiate menace, or at least have a British/Teutonic accent like Alan Rickman or Jeremy Irons. If they were going to hire a cast member of Deadwood, why not Swearengen for Chrissakes? Ian McShane: there’s an uber-evil dude.

Maggie Q is well-cast as a terminator, although as Riccardo put it, why did the villains have to put on FBI uniforms if they were going to shoot the guards on sight anyway? Now that his directorial career has fizzled out, Kevin Smith has made the transition to supporting geek. The actress who plays Bruce’s daughter radiates “We couldn’t afford Lindsay Lohan”. The only cast member we really liked was Justin Long as the hacker; as Chus pointed out, he’s like Keanu, but not pretty and more expressive.

I can’t decide what was dumber: the car smashing into the helicopter, or the fighter pilot shooting at the trailer and taking down the freeway in the process. Yippee-kai-yay, bonga.

The filthy rich are different from you and me.

July 04, 2007 By: jessicazafra Category: twisted by jessica zafra 2 Comments →

They have US$67.8 billion.

Carlos Slim Helu (telecommunications, America Movil) of Mexico overtakes Bill Gates and Warren Buffett in the money rankings to become the wealthiest person on earth.

Trapezoid east of Culi-Culi

July 03, 2007 By: jessicazafra Category: twisted by jessica zafra 7 Comments →

Panoramic Binondo by Banahaw Text, originally uploaded by Koosama.

The new mall in Quezon City is called Trinoma. An unfortunate choice of name: it calls to mind carcinoma, melanoma, glaucoma, and other dreadful -omas. Trinoma is short for Triangle North Of Makati, completely ignoring the existence of Mandaluyong, San Juan, and all the other places between Makati and QC. I think the developers are going for a New Yorky association: Tribeca (triangle below Canal St), downtown, cool, Marty Scorsese and Bobby De Niro having macchiatos, that sort of thing. Which only reminds us, in case we need further reminding, that we are not in New York, even if many people delude themselves that they are in New York.

I’m thinking: Why stop at TriNoMa? Why not run with TriBeCa – Triangle Below Catanduanes? Or SoHo – South of Homonhon, and NoHo – North of Hong Ning Panciteria? NoLiTa could be North of Lilo-an and Tagbilaran. To go with TriNoMa there could be TriSoMa – Triangle South of Mamburao, DoWeBa – Dodecahedron West of Bayombong, and TeNoCa – Tesseract North of Catbalogan.

There’s another real estate development called Versailles. Clearly they’re going for a royal French association: Marie Antoinette, Madame de Pompadour, couture shepherdess outfits for the weekend. Which not only reminds us, in case we need further reminding, that we are not in France, but also that the last residents of Versailles were dragged out by angry mobs during the French Revolution and divested of their heads.

Words have meanings and associations, people. Pay attention.