Twisted by Jessica Zafra – Pumping irony since 1994

Archive for the ‘World Domination Update’

Let’s Buy Spain update: Filipino brand Emperador buys Spain’s Fundador

December 02, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events, World Domination Update 1 Comment →

Bodegas Fundador

Listed liquor company Emperador Inc. owned by tycoon Andrew L. Tan has acquired Fundador Pedro Domecq, Spain’s largest and oldest brandy, in an “all-cash” deal worth 275 million euros, or P13.8 billion, the Inquirer learned Monday.

The purchase solidifies Emperador’s position as the world’s largest brandy company and makes the Tan-led firm one of the largest foreign investors in Jerez, the brandy capital of Spain. Under the deal closed on Saturday in Madrid, Grupo Emperador Spain S.A., a company owned by Emperador Inc., will acquire the brandy and sherry business of Beam Suntory in Jerez.

Aside from Fundador Pedro Domecq, the acquisition includes Terry Centenario, Spain’s top-selling brandy; Tres Cepas, Equatorial Guinea’s leading brandy; and Harvey’s, the United Kingdom’s top sherry wine. These brands carry a unique heritage and market leadership position in their respective categories, Emperador said in a statement furnished the Inquirer.

Fundador, or “founder” in Spanish, was the first brand to be marketed by Pedro Domecq Loustau in 1874. Made from Airen and Palomino grapes, Fundador was the first brand marketed as a Brandy de Jerez and is aged in a sherry-soaked Solera.

Read the full report. Thanks to Antiquary Anne for the alert.

To refresh your memory: Let’s Buy Spain.

Iñaki, ang tsinelas ko!

9 years, 9 stories: Travel, music, and world domination

September 27, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Music, Travel Diary: Turkey, Traveling, World Domination Update No Comments →

From 2013: Turkey Travel Diary, featuring some of the handsomest cats we’ve ever seen


From 2008: Sad, Sadder, Saddest, in which we wound up at a “Lost 80s” concert.

Either all the ticket-holders had already gone inside, or they were all late, because there were no queues of any sort. Ernie went up to some people standing by the flower beds and asked them if they needed tickets.

Sad: They all said, “Hindi kami manonood niyan (We’re not watching that),” with matching expressions of loathing.
Sadder: A woman glared at Ernie and said, “I already have tickets.” What she meant was, “Extra tickets to an 80s concert is a problem I don’t need.”
Saddest: Later, Grungella realized that they probably mistook Ernie for a scalper.
Positively funereal: Being mistaken for a scalper to A Flock Of Seagulls show.
Lugubrious: They literally could not give the tickets away!

World Domination
From 2012: Let’s Buy Spain. We can afford it, it would be our revenge for three centuries of colonial oppression, and we can call them our muchachos and muchachas.

The World Domination Theory applied to Philippine-Chinese relations

July 06, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events, World Domination Update 1 Comment →


At Tina’s birthday brunch someone mentioned that due to the One Child policy in China and the common preference for male children, there will be, if there isn’t already, an imbalance in the male to female ratio in their population. Apparently if ultrasound tests showed that the fetus was female, many couples chose to terminate the pregnancy and try again for a male child. Leading to a shortage of females.

Right now our relations with China are strained due to territorial disputes. We know they are bigger, stronger, richer than we are. However, we are not entirely powerless in this situation. We have leverage: our culture is the friendliest, least xenophobic on the planet, and we have a surplus of females who have difficulty finding suitable partners because the most attractive ones are gay.

Therefore it is in the best interest of both countries to maintain friendly relations. Filipinas need husbands, and the Chinese need wives. In fact, their need is greater than ours. Due to systemic ineptitude in the job market, Filipinas have been migrating to other countries for decades, and they have no trouble finding husbands abroad (Hence our entertainment personalities and national sports teams). Filipinos have an excellent track record at marrying foreigners; the Chinese not so much. But the Chinese need to marry because unless their cloning capabilities can make up the shortfall, they’re going to be underpopulated in a generation or so.

So be nice to the Filipinos, because who do you think you’re going to marry?

This is our idea so we get dibs on Tony Leung provided he still looks like the 2046 edition.

World Domination Research: Maid in Paris

October 29, 2014 By: jessicazafra Category: World Domination Update 2 Comments →

I had two and a half hours to kill in Abu Dhabi airport, and not being the luxury goods shopping type, I decided to do some research on the progress of the Filipino campaign for world domination. The Philippines is not one of the countries that immediately come to mind when one says “world domination”, but that is because people always look at the wrong criteria: wealth, or military strength, or imperial history.

Even if they do look at the right metric—global influence—their interpretation of the data is too conventional. It does not occur to them that the Philippines has been quietly taking over the world for four decades—centuries more, if you consider earlier waves beginning with the galleon trade—by sending out workers to build outposts of Filipino culture all over the world. The millions of Pinoy domestic helpers, seamen, professionals and expats out there are the agents of world domination, biding their time until we get organized and formally conquer earth.

Read our column at

* * * * *

We forgot to mention that every time anyone near us sneezed or coughed, she would cover her nose and mouth and mutter, “Ebola”.

World Domination Food?

April 30, 2014 By: jessicazafra Category: Food, Television, World Domination Update 3 Comments →

spam tocino
From Stella Arnaldo’s Instagram.

Will this be the supranational anthem, then?

Coming soon in hardcover and digital editions

February 07, 2014 By: jessicazafra Category: Books, World Domination Update 2 Comments →

tssf cover
The Stories So Far by Jessica Zafra. Cover design: Jay Lozada. Book design: Ige Ramos.

In a coffee shop in Makati, three strangers cross paths on what may be the last day of the world.

In an apartment in Paris, unfriendly dinner guests wait for a frozen leg of lamb to cook.

Jude, allegedly the smartest kid in the room, discovers that a high IQ is no guarantee of survival.

An actress with the face of an angel and the talent of a brown paper bag considers her rapidly dwindling options.

Sociopaths, spies, aspiring golddiggers, heiresses on the run and advertising executives wrongly hunted for murder find themselves on the same train.

The neighbors keep missing each other in an apartment building that messes with the space-time continuum.

A porn star turned religious fundamentalist preaches on the bus while a tarot card reader battles possession by a demonic dwarf.

These are some of the people who populate The Stories So Far, only the second collection of short stories by Jessica Zafra. You don’t have to let them in your house, but you can meet them right here.

ETA: March-April 2014
For bulk orders (10 copies or more), email

gvj cover
Geeks Vs Jocks by Jessica Zafra. Cover design and photography: Ricky Villabona. Book design: Ige Ramos.

Jessica Zafra has never played sports in her life. She should be barred from any playing field, for the safety of players and spectators, and especially her own. It is not that she hates sports, but she believes it should be left to those who are actually skilled at it. Of course she is painfully aware that sport is essential in Geek History, being a primary means by which we learn that what does not kill us makes us stronger.

However, Jessica has always enjoyed writing about sports—partly because we must know our enemy, and partly because it’s fun. Geeks Vs Jocks is a collection of her writing on tennis, rugby union, football, boxing, and other games including politics and history. Among other issues she writes about Roger Federer as platonic ideal, the dread of watching the All Blacks almost lose the Rugby World Cup, what happens when you put rugby players in tiny underwear on giant billboards on the highway, and Game of Thrones as a playbook for Philippine politics.

ETA: March-April 2014
For bulk orders (10 copies or more), email