A Bekimmentary by Allan Carreon and Deo Giga
We sent the Minister of Propaganda and the Lord of the Thesaurus to the press launch for the E! News Asia special on Philippine King of Heartthrobs Piolo Pascual. Here is their report.
Lord of the Thesaurus (LOT): Ohmygawd! I just came from the bathroom. Guess who was there! Papa P! You should’ve joined me!
Minister of Propaganda (MOP): Okay, excuse me. Now I need to pee. (After a few minutes) Grabe! He’s so tall pala!
LOT: I know! I was dwarfed. I couldn’t pee because the handicapped stall was locked. I couldn’t pee in front of Papa P!
MOP: Maybe that’s why they call him Papa P. We get so starstruck, mapapa-pee ka na lang next time!
LOT: I wasn’t so much starstruck as I was star-terrified.
MOP: Sumisixteen, teh? PBB Teens lang? Me, walang keme-keme. I went inside the stall, although I couldn’t look him in the eye. Not with a bodyguard following me in. Do I look like Erika Christensen in Swimfan?
LOT: If it’s dark. Really, really dark. Like, pitch black.
MOP: I saw the actress who played the maid in Kimmy Dora. She’s also in Moon of Desire, which—judge me now. She was in the bathroom talking to Papa P. I suspect that’s even less appropriate than me hanging around in there. Surprisingly, I actually wanted her autograph more than Papa P’s.
LOT: I believe she’s Papa P’s PA.
MOP: Even in the washroom, he needs a PA? What sort of assistance does he need inside the men’s room? And can I apply for the job?
LOT: You know, this pasta tastes like nothing.
MOP: It’s pasta? I never would’ve thought!
LOT: And you would think a place as ritzy as this would at least try to stay away from artificial creamer and give us the real stuff!
MOP: And use cups that don’t look like they came from Rodic’s.
(Note: Rodic’s is a diner in the UP Shopping Center.)
LOT: The presscon is starting!
MOP: The host is a girl. She’s so sosyal. Can I also have her job?
LOT: Only if you can properly say, “Ladies and gennelmen.”
MOP: I’m not sure I can get the right combination of adorable, fascinating, and annoying.
LOT: She says Anne Curtis was the first Filipina to be featured in this E! Asia series. What does that make Papa P?
MOP: The second.
LOT: Speaking of! Papa P is here!
MOP: Wait. Is he… singing?
LOT: Yes. “If I Fell” by the Beatles.
MOP: To be fair, his CDs achieved Gold sales. Or was it Platinum?
LOT: Shhh. Listen. He’s now talking.
MOP: I’m still wondering if his solo CD was better than his time with The Hunks.
LOT: The Hunks have long disbanded. 40% of the team have no careers.
MOP: Shhh. Listen.
LOT: I said that first.
MOP: So Papa P didn’t like being called Papa P, eh? But he just got used to it.
LOT: Like he could do something about it. Besides, it’s become its own brand, that nickname. Do you think there will be a Q&A? Or will this go straight to photo-ops?
MOP: Well, it looks like no one’s going straight! See? They’re beginning the Q&A.
LOT: These questions are so safe. They’re boring.
MOP: They’re so safe, they’re practically time-locked.
LOT: Why even have this presscon if they can just tell us to watch the show for the juicy details?
MOP: As juicy as can possibly be within the bounds of reason and taste, I assume. Because this is, after all, Papa P. And not It Takes Gutz To Be A Gutierrez.
LOT: Not that we should complain. Look at Papa P’s bone structure. It makes me feel mortal. On a side note, I’m curious if he has plans to direct any movies.
MOP: Well, that girl just asked. And there’s his answer.
LOT: He thinks Pinoy celebrities have the advantage over others because our artists can supposedly act, sing, dance, and host.
MOP: Heck, they can even become congressmen and senators.
LOT: Well, not counting the politics, he’s obviously done all of that.
MOP: What do you expect? He’s apparently versatile!
LOT: So what persuaded him to appear in this supposedly no-holds-barred reality feature?
MOP: Well, he’s been in the business for over twenty years. Frankly, he deserves this more than Anne Curtis. But then she probably could buy E! Asia, their friends, and their houses.
LOT: Papa P still has the power to make me panic. I’ll give him that.
MOP: Yes, the kilig factor is still there. Ay! The Q&A is done?
LOT: That’s it? Oh, well, at least there’s a raffle!
MOP: Who cares? I never win these things. Okay, once. Pizza in high school. Okay, twice. Won a TV in my old job. Wait. I won an underwater cam the following year. So what are the chances again, right? So dedma.
LOT: The grand prize is a Samsung Galaxy phone.
(Papa P: Minister of Propaganda… Where is the Minister of Propaganda?)
LOT: That’s you!
MOP: It’s me?
LOT: It’s you!
MOP: OMG! That’s me! He said my name! Binigkas nya ang pangalan ko! Mahal na nya ako!
LOT: I hate you.
MOP: You want to buy it?
LOT: Yes, I’m in dire need of a new phone! How many “gives”?
MOP: Too bad! It’s not for sale. It’s my birthday gift from Papa P. And I don’t even like Samsung much. I’m Steve Jobs’s bitch.
LOT: Do you think he’ll save his number on the phone?
MOP: Hope so. Wait! Is the launch over?
LOT: Your raffle prize ended the launch.
MOP: So I’m the face that ended a thousand launches.
LOT: Look at these giveaways! Nice pillows with Papa P’s face on them. We should get one for the Minister of Teleportation!
LOT: He looks like you-know-who! He can take a picture with it, and let’s see if people can tell the difference. The rumors will fly. It will require another tell-all.
MOP: It’s Piolo on a pillow! It’s a Piollow! Now we can sleep with Papa P as much and as often as we want!
Piolo Pascual’s exclusive tell-all interview special will air on E! News Asia Channel on 28 September 2014 at 9:00PM.