JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

The cat who lives outside Momo at Ayala Triangle Gardens.

1. Get a cat. Cats sleep two-thirds of the day. Learn from the experts.
2. Turn off your phones, tablets, computers two hours before you go to bed and resist the urge to check your messages.
3. Read a Victorian novel. Dickens, Austen, Eliot and Trollope are particularly effective.
4. Watch consecutive episodes of CSI or Law and Order. There’s something comforting about watching grisly murders getting solved.
5. If you can’t fall asleep, don’t stress yourself out by thinking “I must fall asleep now! Now! I need to have a clear head tomorrow!” Go back to your book or watch an old movie on TCM. Or hang out with your cat.

Wandering cats, Kyoto. Photo by Rizzo Tangan. Thanks to Boboy for sending it in. Bundle up!

Mat adopted us.

“What breed of cat do you have?” I am frequently asked. The long answer is: Cats don’t need to be purebred. Pedigree is redundant in their case because they’re already a super-species, i.e. vicious killing machine in adorable package.

The short answer, delivered proudly, is pusakal or pusang kalye. They came from the street, literally. Animal advocates might call them “rescues”, but in our case there is some dispute over who was the rescuer and who was rescued.

Saffy likes getting into boxes that are too small for her (kitten self-image).

Read our column Emotional Weather Report, Pet Life edition, today in the Philippine Star.

Furious and Guga our traveling cat substitute

The cats sit at windows for hours watching birds and plotting to capture them, so we got them this papier-mache bird, a souvenir from the dinner centerpiece (Sorry, Chef). We’re calling him Furious. There’s a good chance our cats will ignore him so we’re putting him in a large box. They can’t resist boxes.

Whenever we stay in hotels we are fascinated by the TV (We don’t watch TV at home) and keep it on all the time. While watching the replay of the Golden Globe Awards we noticed that in his acceptance speech George Clooney devoted an inordinate length of time (with pantomime) on Michael Fassbender’s instrument. All we can say is: Get away from him, you bitch!

“Go away, we are reading.”

Sociologists tell us that popular acceptance of a technology is determined by how efficiently it can distribute pornography. The printing press, photography, video and the Internet are among the technologies that have thrived thanks to their porn distribution capabilities.

How many porn sites are there on the Net? We’re guessing there are bajillions; we will not delve into that topic lest we invite the unwanted attentions of online pharmacies offering penile enlargement treatments. However, even a cursory trawl online tells us that there are bajillions of websites devoted to cats, and even more pictures of cats on social media and sites that aren’t even about cats.

The real purpose of the Internet: Ask a cat today in the Philippine Star.

We looked up from a very late lunch and noticed this ginger cat right outside the cafe’s window. This happens often enough to convince us that we have a feline security detail.