JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Remember this? Maritess Vs. The Superfriends by Rex Navarette and Dino Ignacio.

Whenever I take a cab and the taxi driver is listening to the Senate investigation into corruption in the Armed Forces, I gently suggest that he switch to something less stressful. “Iinit lang ang ulo ninyo (You’ll just lose your temper),” I say. The cabbies always laugh and agree with me, but they never change the station. Fact: People enjoy getting ticked off. Many people tune in to TV shows featuring celebrities they loathe, specifically to get ticked off. They must not have enough stress in their lives.

The aggravation level rises logarithmically when the subject being questioned is the wife of the former AFP comptroller General Ligot. Irritating enough that she won’t answer any question, but she weeps, falls ill, snivels, bleats for mercy and acts like the victim. They’ll take everything, even our sense of victimhood!

You know what Mrs. Ligot sounds like? You know how it is when you have a really, really, really stupid maid?

Apologies to all housemaids who have not been going off on mysterious trips with unidentified companions to undisclosed locations bearing undetermined amounts of unexplained money.

At noon I was sitting in a taxi, effectively held hostage by radio coverage of that hostage-taking incident.

According to the breathless radio reporters, a former police officer had taken a busload of tourists hostage. At first the hostages were thought to be Korean; later they were revealed to be from Hong Kong.

Apparently the former officer had been dismissed on corruption charges. He demanded that the Sandiganbayan decision be rescinded and that he be reinstated with back pay. And to prove his innocence, he took 25 people hostage.

Was he never required to take an IQ test at some point in his career?

Update, 2048hrs. And yet he managed to hold off dozens of police rescuers and SWAT, advancing retreating advancing retreating with no apparent strategy. They make the hostage-taker look smart and gallant.

According to a newsanchor: Good news! Some of the hostages survived!

Earlier the Palace announced: The Philippine situation is stable despite the hostage taking!

And the media was given total access to police movements, so everything the police did was broadcast live on television for the hostage-taker to watch on the TV inside the bus. Surprise!

IQ tests all around.

* * * * *

William Blake, Satan inflicts boils on Job

I remembered how a few months ago I got a strange (-er than usual) text message from my friend Maricon, who was in a taxi. Without any prodding, the taxi driver had started telling Maricon the story of his life, particularly his experiences as a member of a satanic cult. He started talking faster and faster, as if he were speaking in tongues or something. I told Maricon to record the rant on his phone, and he did. I’d been meaning to transcribe the rant, but you should hear it to believe it.

The cult even had a nickname for Satan: they called him Taning. Apparently prayer groups also use that nickname. It almost sounds like a term of endearment. Hah! John Milton never thought of that.

Here’s the mp3. This is part 1. Warning: May freak out some listeners.

Taning1(0)

He warned you.

More on Steven Slater, the flight attendant who freaked out and made an emergency exit from the flight he was working on. Gawker has unearthed the messages Slater had allegedly posted on airline message boards warning of new pressures on cabin attendants.

“The airlines have created a monster. Lousy bagggage handling, theft, and now gouging with bag fees, why WOULD anyone want to check a bag? Add to the our collective laxidasical approach to enforcement, and you get a disaster. At the end of the day, the airlines have to step it up. I hate to be bag nazi when i work a flight, but I feel if I am not, then I am letting down all those who cooperate and thry to help out as well.”

Read the whole article.

Rainbow, Port Campbell, Victoria, Australia, 4 May 2010.

I cannot wait for this election to be over so I can hear myself think again. Every morning I am awakened by campaign vans roaming the neighborhood, blaring campaign jingles. We are exhorted to vote for their candidates to the tune of Bad Romance, We Will Rock You, Pokerface, You Spin Me Round and other pop hits, and what is the probability that the campaigning politicians actually got permission from Lady Gaga, Queen, Dead or Alive and the other copyright owners? FILSCAP, ASCAP, whoever is in charge, I hope you’re monitoring this. As for the noise pollution and the violation of our human right not to be awakened by campaign jingles causing the building to vibrate, we’re on our own.

Sometimes the vans park near my place and try to drown each other out. The funny thing is, I recognize the melodies but the sound quality is so bad I can’t make out the name of the politician on sale. It’s louder than Iron Man 2, except that Iron Man 2 is fun.

Speaking of which, I finally saw the movie yesterday. My friend says Robert Downey Jr makes narcissism sexy. Are you kidding? Robert Downey Jr could make not being sexy sexy. He can do anything! Please, he made Sherlock Holmes watchable. I’d like to see him in another romantic comedy—he was brilliant in Chances Are, Heart and Souls, and Only You, it’s the vehicles that let him down.

Mickey Rourke with a Russian accent is a great villain, but my favorite scuzzball is Sam Rockwell as Tony Stark’s competitor, a clueless man just dying to be cool.

Oh look, a new product from GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. It’s called Immortal Text. I’m guessing it means you have to be immortal to use it, because it takes several human lifetimes for your text message to arrive.

I sent the Tattoo a P97 load by text last Wednesday. Today is Saturday and it has still not arrived. I loaded P300 by card last Thursday. P165 of it vanished in 12 minutes of 0.00 kbps. Amazing! Could this have happened because, all together now, GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP?

Interesting how people I work with have been contacted by Globe reps but no one has thought to respond to me. The person who complained in the first place. Could it be. . .Terror?

I’m waiting, Globe. By the way, my stats have gotten a big boost and I’ve received lots of comments from people who have experienced the sheer hell of using GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. Thanks! Oh, and you owe me for the free rebranding.

Peter Finch as the very, very angry anchorman in Network. I’m guessing he tried GLOBE PREPAID TATTOO, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

Number of times I have taken up my concerns with Globe representatives: 2.

On Thursday morning at 1 am, I called the Globe helpline 211 and told a tech support person about the vanished load. He said to call back in 24 hours if the load still had not arrived. I said, Isn’t loading supposed to be instantaneous? He said, Yes, but there may be system maintenance going on in your area blablabla, call back in 24 hours.

On Friday at midnight I checked the balance on the GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. The load had not arrived. Rien nada nothing.

On Thursday afternoon smoke started coming out of my ears. To vent my rage I asked my friend who works at the ad agency handling the Globe account to have a Globe tech person call me. At 2.30 pm I got a call from a Globe rep who listened to the history of my GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID HELL. I tried to be polite, though I’m told that my polite voice is even more terrifying than my regular tone. The Globe rep said he had an idea what the cause of the problem was, but he would have to check his theory.

Exactly 24 hours have elapsed since that conversation, and no one has gotten back to me. Perhaps the Globe rep had to get skin grafts on his smoldering ear after that phone call.

Lest we be viewed as unreasonable, let us explain why we say GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

1. It works right after you have reloaded, well enough to make you think that the service will be fine from that moment on. However, as your load decreases, so does the speed, and when the load is down to half, the connection starts fluctuating rapidly from 15 kbps to 0 then 23 then 0 then 80 to 0 and so on, always going to zero. You cannot open a page with a connection like that, much less download a file.

I tried reloading by text even before the previous load ran out, and what do you know, the connection speed shot right up! GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP THAT EATS MONEY.

2. To my knowledge, the connection cost is P5 for 15 minutes. Often the connection fluctuates wildly within those 15 minutes, so you’re not really getting 15 minutes of service. And then the connection terminates itself before the 15 minutes are up! But it has already eaten your P5, because GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP THAT EATS MONEY.

3. Sometimes the connection is stable, and you manage to surf with relative ease for 30, even 44 minutes. At 44 minutes, 45 seconds, you hit Disconnect. But the unit takes a long time to disconnect, and when the timer stops it’s at 45 minutes, 2 seconds. Those two seconds cost the same as 15 minutes because GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP THAT EATS MONEY.

4. There are times when you cannot connect at all. Perhaps there is no Globe signal in my area. . .and I live in Makati! Oddly enough, my postpaid Globe mobile phone always works. Could it be that GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP BECAUSE IT IS PREPAID? Do prepaid users not deserve the same level of service as postpaid users, who after all make up a small portion of the user base?

5. I was unused to the ways of prepaid loading, so in September I bought a Globe prepaid load card in order to try it out. However the fine print on the card said it would only work with a Globe prepaid SIM. I was not in the mood to turn off my cellphone, replace the SIM, load it using the card, turn off the phone again, put my postpaid SIM back, turn the phone on, etc.

My sister has a prepaid Globe cellphone so I asked her to load the P100 into her phone, then text the load to me. Which she did. She got a confirmation text. The load send by text never made it to THE GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP. Apparently, the ether ate it.

I’m just getting started. Jessica, don’t you have more exciting things to do than rant about a useless gadget that gyps the public? Yes, but this is easy because I write very fast. Unlike GLOBE TATTOO PREPAID, THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

This entry was posted using Rockwell’s free wi-fi.