JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I’m 30 and moving to UK next month for work and further studies. I’ve been single for more than 2 years. My last relationship lasted 7 years. I’ve had three boyfriends in total and they were all former classmates (so we’re in the same age group). They all came into my life one after the other so I never had the chance to be single for so long until this last breakup. When I found myself finally single, it was so disconcerting. I don’t know if it was the age, the weight, the working environment, or just that there are too many gay guys in the metro, but I couldn’t seem to find anyone even for just a decent date! But I didn’t sulk. I traveled, found my faith and became active at church, went out with friends, spent time with family and adored my nieces. When I found my self at a good place, I elected to go abroad – widen my horizons, so to speak. I know in my heart that I want a family, and I felt that by moving elsewhere, I’d be upping my chances to have that dream.

I didn’t get attracted to anyone until I met a new employee in another department on my last month of work. He is 7 years my junior. I was indirectly his boss. I’m a sucker for guys with smoldering, tantalizing eyes. He’s got that and the whole bad boy appeal. He also comes from a broken home, lives with a relative who took him in. He relies on his meager salary. He’s got some emotional issues as well, but I find him intelligent and I enjoy our conversations. Since my resignation, we found out we like each other and have seen each other three times. Since money is tight with him, I took on the lead to be creative. We went to a park. We watched a free movie once. And I cooked for him. I explained to him that I don’t want to have something physical like sex so he has always kept a respectful distance. He would just reach out for my hand when we are about to say goodbye. There have been instances when I feel sorely tempted to go beyond the last-minute hand holding and the kiss-on-the-cheek once. Notwithstanding the religious guilt, I’m scared for my feelings to deepen. We talk about our dreams, our problems, our philosophies. I give him career, family advice. He shares to me lessons about his hard life. He tells me he’s falling for me and wishes his circumstances would be different. I don’t want to romanticize the boss/employee, older woman/younger man thing. I know that I want to go out there and advance myself. I just don’t know how to be ending this when I leave. There’s a part of me that would still want his presence as a friend, perhaps? He told me he really wants to be in touch still at least online. What if I’ll be going out with another or would be in a relationship another, should I tell him that? Or am I thinking too far ahead?

Thank you for taking the time out to read my letter. You give very sensible, heartfelt advice.

There are many gay guys in the metro and when I look at the younger generation, I note that they are increasing in number. Did you know that a recent study in China shows that 16,000,000 Chinese women are married to Chinese gay men?

My impression from your letter is that the two of you are not yet officially a couple. You just date, hold hands and talk. If my impression is wrong, it’s not my fault. Hahaha.

It is my opinion that women should not give up their dreams for career advancement for a boyfriend much less a fleeting love interest. Maybe when you are already married and you are really pressed to make a choice between career and family.

Your so-called relationship is just at the initial stage and whatever bonds you have developed are at best tenuous. A career in the United Kingdom, a free pass to all European Union countries, and the chance of marrying into the royal family(no matter how remote) far outweigh an iffy relationship with a penniless boy who has emotional baggage (I am your snooty Auntie Janey for today. “Ipapagpaliban mo ang Inglatera para lang sa isang dukhang lalake?”)

You already know that you want to go out there and advance yourself. You are just distracted from your goal like the way I’m distracted from writing this column by a bag of assorted polvoron. You are just having a tantalizing appetizer. The gorgeous main course is in UK. The polvoron is delicious, especially the cookies n’ cream and peanut variety, but they are not filling. I am also feeling the religious guilt for bingeing on this polvoron like you are probably feeling the religious guilt for indulging on this boy.

It will end when you leave. Or what you are feeling right now will slowly fade out once you begin a new life and meet interesting guys. You could still be friends and keep in touch online. That’s no problem. Just please, do not send him remittances to bail him out his financial situation. And no balikbayan boxes! Do not cultivate dependency and neediness in him. You will be on the losing end. You may even realize that it would be best to stop communicating with him. To begin with, there is nothing really deep between the two of you and it may not withstand the distance and time difference.

If you suddenly have the urge to go beyond the hand-holding and kiss-on-the-cheek, be sure to have protection. We don’t want you ruining your chances in marrying Prince Harry or marrying a lord.

I have recently separated from my husband when I found out that he had an affair with a married ex-girlfriend. The affair started shortly after we got married and ended when the lecherous ex-girlfriend had a miscarriage. It is unfortunate though that I only found out about it after the fact. I wouldn’t delve into the details but leaving him was the right decision.

Since the discovery I am now partially healed and trying to move on. The prospect of dating again is now very much appealing. In fact I have dates slated for next week. But the thought of dating again scares the hell out of me. My husband was my first in every sense of the word. I have not been with any other man. I was barely out of school when we got together. Now I have no idea how to handle being single. I also feel like Im committing adultery which in the strict legal sense I am actually.

I was ready to move on and start dating again when ex-husband and I started talking and seeing each other again. He is trying to win me back and to be honest Im undergoing relapse. A small part of me is hoping but I still can’t figure out whether or not my hope is motivated by fear or whether it is a legitimate hope because we are meant to be together.

It is difficult for me because everyone thinks I made the right decision leaving him and every time we spend time together, I am again convinced that I still love him but as soon as we go our separate ways, I want to date other men again. I am plagued by this desire to try other fish in the big big sea. I seriously don’t know what to do or how to act.

It is only adultery in the strict legal sense when you have sexual intercourse with a guy not your husband while your marriage is still legally in effect. So when dating, you cannot go all the way but you can go pretty far. Some groping, kissing, rubbing, body contact and the things you do with your mouth will not put you in jail.

You are still adjusting and well out of your comfort zone. At a young age, you had gotten married and you have never truly known what it is to be an adult on her own. So of course, you would consider getting back with your ex. Routine is more preferable to the unknown. Humans are creatures of habit after all.

I will not bitch-slap you to knock some sense into you. I would just like to point out that he had lied to you from the beginning of your marriage. In a sense, the marriage was a lie despite the legal trappings. Now he has the gall to come crawling back to you? If the affair was merely a lapse of judgment or a one-night stand, it would have been acceptable, for me, to forgive him. But what your husband did was very willful. A conscious choice to betray your trust and play you a fool. He had you for many years yet he did not value you. Why would you go back to someone who never thought much of you in the first place? Be forgiving if you like, but do not be a fool. If you were meant to be together, he would not have cheated on you right at the start of your marriage.

Now, about the dating. Do not pour yourself out to your date all at once. Dates are not therapy sessions. The last thing anybody wants is damaged goods. If he asks, tell him the truth. You are legally married yet you are already separated. If asked why the marriage did not work out, just say that your husband cheated. Do not behave like a wounded animal. If you still hold some bitterness, best keep it in. I am not saying that you should deceive your dates. I just want you to appear strong and dignified. A woman who is still holding her head high despite the setbacks in her life.

Date as many men as you can but do not be too over eager and overreaching. Do not appear desperate. Do not be clingy and do not think of these men as your new hope for such disposition may make you a prey for abusive types of men. Regain your faith in yourself by doing things that help you build your self-esteem. Do not ever rush into another relationship. Take your time and have some fun. Take very good care of yourself.

Always remember that your happiness is in your hands. It will never be the responsibility of other people. It will take time for things to be in order once again. Just be patient and remain strong.

I’m 35, unmarried but happily attached to my boyfriend for 7 years, with a peace in my family life that only comes with decades of (successfully) threshing out issues. I have a tight circle of real best friends some of whom I travel with, a reliable old car, and a house that’s perfect for cocooning. In short, I’ve run out of goals to aim for.

I am now at a crossroads in my career and I’m having a hard time deciding which ship to jump to. This is probably the only drama I have in my life right now, which is why it’s turned to mush with my over-analysis. I need a fresh lens with which to view my options. I don’t know what I want.

I have three job offers: one with my current gig, another that will require relocation, and another that will pay me the most. I’ve tried doing the pros and cons chart, the consult with loved ones approach, feng shui, prayers and keeping still in bed for an entire weekend to “connect with myself”. But still I don’t know what I want.

What are the things one must consider when faced with three forks in the career road? Please don’t give me crap about “doing what you love, doing good for others,” etc etc because they’re all good offers and I know I’ll adjust once I’ve decided. I’m just having a hard time deciding (ie. closing doors).

Help?

I have half a mind to send my credit card bills to your address just to add a little bit more drama to your life. I can assure you that they would cause your forehead to furrow in consternation.

I think it is high time to focus on your personal goals. Do you want to marry your boyfriend? How grand should your wedding be? Should you invite me to your wedding and billet me in a five-star hotel that gives its guests butlers? How many kids do you want to have? To what schools would you like to send them? What kind of life would you like them to have? The question that needs to be answered now is what job would best complement the life you want to lead. It is no longer about owning a car, a house or being financially stable but about what kind of life you want to have with the people you love.

If you want to have a family, I suggest that you get the job that would pay you the most money. I assure you that you will suddenly find that your house is not big enough for your growing family and one car is not enough to accommodate your baby’s safety seat and it’s assortment of baby things. You will need to buy at least one more car. The nanny, make that nannies, need to have seats in the car and they need their own bedroom and bathroom. Think of the birthday parties that you have to throw in an attempt to outdo the other birthday parties in your child’s class and make him popular. Your electricity bill will skyrocket because the five air conditioning units in your house need to be functioning twenty four hours a day. At least two TVs will be blaring during the day – one for the maid who needs to watch her variety shows while preparing meals in the kitchen and another for the maid babysitting your kid. Three, if your kid hogs the humongous flat screen TV in the living room and your two maids do not watch the same shows. These are just a fragment of the things you would have to spend on when you start a family.

But does your boyfriend really want to marry you? (A question that could trigger events of soap opera proportions). You have been steady for seven years and the two of you are presumably doing well. (Wait, are you a woman?I’ve just realized that you did not specify whether you are an unmarried man or a woman. One can no longer presume these days). I find it suspicious that he has not proposed to you yet. Is he being evasive about the subject? Does he change the topic whenever you try to talk about marriage or kids? If yes, you may have a problem. Menopause is about seven to ten years down the road. I’m just saying. If you want to shake things up between the two of you and at the same time make sure once and for all that he has plans of marrying you, I suggest that you relocate. He should not be complacent and must be reminded that he could still lose you despite all these years.

It seems that you are no longer besotted with your current job, otherwise you would not be considering these two job offers. If you think that your job is holding you back from fulfilling your full potential, by all means do not overstay. I think that all of us should continually strive to move forward to bigger things be it in our professional or personal lives.

To cover all the corners, if you are a gay man I urge you to take the job with more pay. A gay man’s aspiration in life, I am told, is to become more fabulous as the years pass. Try to outdo the former you.

If you can’t still make up your mind, just give me your address. Better yet, I’ll give you my bank account number. At least you will be able to help somebody who is in need.

I belong to the dying breed of hopeless romantics.

While my classmates in elementary were reading R.L. Stine, I was piling up on Sweet Dreams (the predecessor of Sweet Valley). Sure enough, by the time I finished high school, I had already went through countless Barbara Cartland, Jude Deveraux, and all other titles of Harlequin Romances known to mankind. Whilst my friends were crushing on Aaron Carter, I was dreaming of the dark and brooding Mr. Darcy.

After a cathartic weekend, I arrived at the conclusion that my infatuation on romance novels is the reason why I am such a hopeless case until now.

I believe that I am neither insipid nor ugly. I had high ideals of what my first relationship will be, at 20, I am still a NBSB and in danger of turning bitter. The problem is that my brain switches from attraction to images of matrimony in a second. I know that Shakespeare said that expectation is the root of all heart aches. But I can’t really help myself.

What to do?

I must admit that I enjoyed reading romance novels in high school. Porn was not easily accessible in my hormonal teenage days. The closest porn I could get my very eager hands on was my friend’s father’s back issues of Penthouse magazine. It was very tricky business sneaking a peek at those magazines. We actually had to set a date on which we would visit the friend’s house on the pretext that we had to do a school project. We usually popped in when his parents and grandparents were not around.

Now romance novels, on the other hand, were very abundant in my house since almost all of my female elders loved to read. All of us were encouraged to read. So, I read. Ah, the thrusting, the moaning, the quivering, the bittersweet pain accompanied by sharp cries of ecstasy, tumescent manhoods, jewels hidden in supple down, bulging body parts – metaphors upon metaphors upon metaphors.

A lot of these novels have actually influenced many a woman’s notion of love, romance and sex. A man must be tall, intelligent, assertive, well-muscled, brooding, brave, charming, strong, wild and graceful. The man must have the ability to sweep a woman off her feet at first glance in the midst of sparks or fireworks.

Women, especially a lot of my friends who have subsisted on romance novels since high school, actually expect every man to behave like the male leads in said novels. They sulk and complain while declaring “It’s supposed to be like in the novels!”. To all of those who hold such standards, I must point out that all female leads in the novels are tall with long silken hair, have firm and voluptuous breasts, have very flat and trim waists, have long and shapely legs, have very alluring eyes and well-defined eyebrows, and have an untapped sensuality about them that needs to be unleashed. If you women do not have ALL of these characteristics, I say that you have no right to demand that the men in your lives should be the embodiment of the fictional male leads.

We are so preoccupied with what we want in a partner but we rarely give thought to what we can offer in return. We often ask for something wonderful but have we made ourselves worthy of the things we ask for? You cannot pour new wine into old skin.

Time and again I have said that we should work on ourselves. We should make ourselves valuable. We should ready ourselves to receive what is due us.

EB, it is not enough to dream and fantasize. We spend only a portion of our lives asleep, the rest we spend on making our dreams come true.

SPOILER: It’s not that fantastic the first time. It’s awkward and messy. You also need to work on it to be good at it and be able to enjoy it. You know what I mean.

I’ve been going out on dates since I was 21 years old, but none of them worked out. I’m 31 so that’s a decade of dating. I only had one boyfriend, which only lasted for about five months. I don’t really have a list of the number of men I officially dated but if I’m going to give a rough estimate, it’ll be around 25. I did not include the men whom I tried to pursue but nothing happened, those who pursued me but I did not return the favor, and men I had sex with, so if I include all of them in the count, I encountered around 150 men when I started dating more than 10 years ago.

I am tired of the trial and error. I saw this French movie, Les poupées russes (Russian Dolls), and felt that I am Xavier (Romain Duris) when he said that “if I think about all the girls I’ve known or slept with or just desired, they’re like a bunch of Russian dolls. We spend our lives playing the game dying to know who’ll be the last, the teeny-tiny one hidden inside all the others. You can’t just get to her right away. You have to follow the progression. You have to open them one by one wondering, “Is she the last one?”

In my case, it’s always a failure. I’m always meeting the wrong men. Is it because I’m looking in all the wrong places? Why am I attracting jerks, co-dependents, men with excess baggage and issues, men that are sick in the head? Is it because I’m desperately looking for love wherever I go? I must admit that I have my flaws too, but I believe that I’m a good person and giving my all to become the best person that I can be. I believe I deserve a good man as well.

I think it’s but normal to want something. I want a partner because I want to love that person, support his dreams, and share my life with him. I want it bilateral. I am willing to work things hand in hand without sacrificing love, trust, and respect for myself. Is it because being a discreet gay man in the Philippines is difficult? I’m a butch-type gay man but I don’t see that as a problem because I’m meeting a lot of men despite being discreet. I go out a lot, not really in parties, but in activities that I enjoy like volunteer works and advocacies, running, swimming, dinner and gathering with friends and coworkers, art exhibits, film festivals, etc. I can’t be blamed for not being out there. The last straw was when a former coworker introduced a gay who is nice and decent but isn’t my type. I am now officially exhausted.

I hope you do not get me wrong. I believe that my standards for a boyfriend are realistic: if I am attracted to him physically (he doesn’t have to be really good looking), we can talk and connect (we have chemistry), we share the same values and principles, and if he’s a good person, then I’m okay with that. We need not share the same interest. If he’s from a different field, that’s better. My background is arts and culture so it will be better if I meet someone from a different field. But it really doesn’t matter. As long as we connect and are into each other, I’m okay with that. This year alone, I met around a dozen guys. But it’s either he’s my type but he only wants to have sex with me or I’m his type but he bores me to death.

Kenny Loggins sang “Wait a little while” and the lyrics somehow gave me hope: Wait a little while to welcome what you’re after/ Give it the time to find its way to you/ And soon as you no longer try, you’ll turn and find it standing by your side/ Come and get it, when you let it, it’ll come to you But I do not want to heavily rely on a song lyrics so I’m giving myself a deadline: I will let go of finding love beginning December 1 this year and focus on myself and my goals instead. I mean if I don’t meet “the one,” at least I have my vocation, advocacy, hopes, dreams, friends and family. I’ll be happy and complete. A man may or may not come, but I am content nonetheless. What do you think?

One hundred fifty huh. Wow, my sex life IS dull.

After conferring with my Guiding Spirits of Gayness, I declare that you are not attracting “jerks, co-dependents, men with excess baggage and issues, men that are sick in the head”. It’s just they comprise a large part of the population. It’s not only you who is having a hard time sifting through the debris. I think in the gay world, finding a good man is like panning for gold in a very muddy river whose banks are overcrowded with fortune hunters. There is abundance of inferior ores but the nuggets of precious gold are too few and elusive.

The movie Under the Tuscan Sun (based on a novel with the same title) adequately explained the proper technique for catching ladybugs (Yes I changed metaphors. So what?). Catherine explained “Listen,when I was a little girl, I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs.

Finally, I’d just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me.” Essentially, if you cannot catch what you are chasing, sit still and let it come to you. This is true not only in love but in life as well. Whatever you hold very tightly will squeeze out through your fingers. Do not splash around in the water with your pan, just gently agitate the water to see if you’ve got gold.

I advise you not to be over-eager in your quest for love. When you meet a candidate, do not immediately give him your all. You may end up overwhelming the person. Always remember that whoever you meet had a life before he met you and it takes time for him and you to sync your lives together, if they can be synchronized at all. Just give him a little taste of you every now and then. Don’t shove your whole chunk down his throat in one swift motion. I adore Edam cheese (but not the locally-produced ones) and it is quite tasty when I nibble small slices. But if I gobble even a fourth of the ball, I get nauseated.

Be light and fun. You may talk about your philosophies in life, but do not burden him with your issues and drama all at once. Please resist the urge to be dramatic. Also make yourself interesting and tailor yourself to the niche you wish to attract. Based on my research (homosexuals have interesting networking sites abloom with graphic pictures and contain very specific demands) there are such things as chub chasers, bear lovers, daddy fetish, waif obsession, discreet gays and alleged “bisexuals”. Each niche has its own culture and mentality. Members of each niche generally keep to themselves.

What really interested me were the advertisements/demands of those who are aged 29 and upwards. They are looking for relationships and the information on their profiles list their interests, hobbies and philosophies in life. Most of their friends have similar interests etc. except for the masseurs(yes this was how I spent my Christmas vacation).

My Guiding Spirits of Gayness posit that the best candidates for a serious relationship are from this age bracket. Most of them are oversexed, are tired of the usual fare and are in search of something deeper and meaningful. A Guiding Spirit even said that he would not date somebody who is in his early twenties because it is the age of discovery and the young man does not yet really know what he wants and is more likely to sleep around. I guess homosexuals have a different way of maturing. A gay man must be very hands-on if he is to mature emotionally and sexually.

Panning for gold requires years of hands-on experience. It can be dirty, exhausting and frustrating. It takes time. But those who have patience and skill are the ones who get to go to the goldsmith. Maybe it’s too early for you to impose a deadline. Hope was not put in Pandora’s Box for nothing.