Twisted by Jessica Zafra – Pumping irony since 1994

Archive for March, 2011

Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column #9: Counter adultery with emotional torture!

March 31, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Re-lay-shun-ships 9 Comments →

Glenn Close as Marquise de Merteuil and John Malkovich as Vicomte de Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons, directed by Stephen Frears.

Dear Auntie Janey,

My husband has been working for a BPO on the night shift for more than 2 years now and I suspect he’s cheating on me. When he started with this particular company he would make time for me regardless of how little he’d slept during the day. He would wake up for lunch and talk to me about anything and everything. He would take me to company team events and parties without my asking. He introduced me to his manager and teammates and talked to me about work and how his clients had been a bitch that day. He got home as soon as his shift ended.

A few months ago he started acting differently. He would go home at 7 or 8 in the morning smelling like he’d taken a shower with beer. He would hide his mobile phone under his pillow. Before that he never hid his phone from me. Everytime he gets a phone call, he takes the call in the other room. He hardly talks to me about work and he doesn’t take me to company functions like before, making excuses about budget and everything. Who is he kidding? One of my college batchmates works for the same company and she says that at all company events, spouses are invited, even encouraged to attend. I don’t want to ask my friend to investigate for me because I don’t want to involve her in this.

I think my husband is cheating on me.

Auntie Janey, would it be wrong to act on this hunch? The last time I talked to my husband about this, it ended in a screaming match and broken china. I don’t want that kind of stress level and conflict between me and my husband again. Am I wrong to suspect something’s going on? I don’t have any solid proof that he is having an affair and I don’t know what else to do. Please help.


Annette Bening and Colin Firth played the same characters in Milos Forman’s adaptation of the same novel by Choderlos de Laclos. There was an earlier version starring Jeanne Moreau, directed by Roger Vadim, and later a TV miniseries by Josee Dayan starring Catherine Deneuve. And a teen movie version with Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon.

Dear Windang,

Upon reading this question an answer immediately formed in my head but it was incomplete. I may know something about everything but I don’t know everything. I am not God. Not yet.

My knowledge needed to be supported by wisdom fuller than mine and this was one of those times that I needed to summon one of my guiding spirits. I had one in particular in mind and I immediately made preparations for the Rite of Summoning. I took out my bag and put in my ceremonial vestments, a vessel for water, and implements for cleansing.

I went to the gym.

Hugh Laurie: No longer just your main source of excuses for why you didn’t show up at work

March 30, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Movies, Music 1 Comment →

Unless your boss watches House.

Writer, comedian, serious actor, late-blooming sex symbol, blues musician. Hate him.

Download a track from his album, Let Them Talk.

Sucker Punch: An 11-year-old boy could write this.

March 30, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Movies 10 Comments →

Fetch us an 11-year-old boy.

No doubt a 12-year-old is running the studio.

On the bright side, Sucker Punch is a reminder that Quentin Tarantino Is A Genius. (You don’t just filch stuff from older movies, you filch the good stuff not the cliches.)

The very 90s soundtrack includes Bjork. Hey wasn’t this song in Tank Girl?

Bjork feat. Skunk Anansie – Army of me

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The Weekly LitWit Challenge 5.3: The Yucch-meter splits your entries in two.

March 30, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Books, Contest 1 Comment →

The Power of Books from 9gag.

#2 gambala. 15-year-old boy hears strange noises in the backyard, investigates, sees Maria from next door having sex with someone, takes a closer look and sees himself getting it on with Maria. Very nice prose but it feels like an episode from a larger work, say a novel about the martial law years, rather than a standalone piece.

#3 rice_cooker. “I have never been the sharpest tool in the box,” says the narrator, who proceeds to talk like a Miriam Defensor Santiago impersonator and call attention to her vocabulary. Narrator sees her doppelganger and supposedly freaks out but this is how she puts it: “The shock of seeing myself standing and chitchatting with Marie — my only ally in this political wasteland of an office — sent me reeling. As always, in fight or flight situations, I opted to run.” Form follows content: prose must express the protagonist’s sense of urgency. Writing “rage” and “kill” in all caps is not enough.

#4 Cacs. Who is the narrator then?

#5 winnerific. The exposition is confusing and we’re not in the mood to untangle the plot but the writer gets the point of the exercise: Meeting your double is creepy.

#6 ouroboros. We’re probably missing some vital plot point but if the doppelganger has been killed who is messing up her life?

The winner of LitWit Challenge 5.3 is gambala. Congratulations and good luck on your novel! Please post your full name in Comments (It won’t be published) and we’ll alert you when you can pick up your prize.

We need to invent a new schtick.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore. The next challenge is coming up.

* * * * *

gambala, your prize is waiting for you at the Customer Service counter of National Bookstore in Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati. Just give your full name to the staff. Yes, you can send someone to pick up your books. Any time from now till June 30, 2011. Enjoy!

Catch Me. . .I’m in Notting Hell (Now with more hell!)

March 29, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Movies 12 Comments →

What did we say about Star Cinema’s endless remakes of Notting Hill?

The good news is that Catch Me. . .I’m In Love, directed by Mae Czarina Cruz and starring Sarah Geronimo and Gerald Anderson, is not that bad.

The bad news is that it’s not good either.

We think the secret of Sarah’s success is her Everywoman quality: the viewer can relate to her and her aspirations, she’s a good singer, she seems like someone they could’ve gone to school with. So by way of a review we’re giving you this quiz: You Be The Sarah.

1. You’re a bright girl working for a nonprofit organization that assists agrarian communities. You are assigned to arrange an “immersion” (living with the farmers, experiencing what their everyday life is like) in the barrio for the spoiled son of the President of the Philippines. He is Gerald Anderson. What do you do?

a. “Gerald Anderson is the presidential child??”
b. I will do my work like a true professional while screaming on the inside.
c. Refuse the assignment.
d. Report every moment I spend with him on my facebook.
e. Other (Explain.)

2. Presidential son Gerald Anderson falls in love with you and asks you to be his girlfriend.

a. WTF?
b. Do I love him back?
c. Too much trouble, I will decline.
d. Report every moment I spend with him on my facebook.
e. Other (Explain.)

3. On TV he is asked if he has a girlfriend and he replies that he’d like to “Keep it private”.

a. Good, I don’t want to be the center of the media circus.
b. As his girlfriend I will support all his decisions.
c. I will fly into a rage and demand that he give a press conference to introduce me to the media.
d. Report my emotional pain in detail on my facebook, then summarize it on twitter.
e. Other (Explain.)

People like aggravation

March 28, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Amok, Current Events 1 Comment →

Remember this? Maritess Vs. The Superfriends by Rex Navarette and Dino Ignacio.

Whenever I take a cab and the taxi driver is listening to the Senate investigation into corruption in the Armed Forces, I gently suggest that he switch to something less stressful. “Iinit lang ang ulo ninyo (You’ll just lose your temper),” I say. The cabbies always laugh and agree with me, but they never change the station. Fact: People enjoy getting ticked off. Many people tune in to TV shows featuring celebrities they loathe, specifically to get ticked off. They must not have enough stress in their lives.

The aggravation level rises logarithmically when the subject being questioned is the wife of the former AFP comptroller General Ligot. Irritating enough that she won’t answer any question, but she weeps, falls ill, snivels, bleats for mercy and acts like the victim. They’ll take everything, even our sense of victimhood!

You know what Mrs. Ligot sounds like? You know how it is when you have a really, really, really stupid maid?

Apologies to all housemaids who have not been going off on mysterious trips with unidentified companions to undisclosed locations bearing undetermined amounts of unexplained money.