JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

The artist: Igan D’Bayan
The work: Gothika Filipina 2
The exhibit: Asian International Art Exhibition (AIAE) in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
The censor: The curators
The reason given: Officially, none. Igan never heard from the organizers. “I got a forwarded (actually a re-forwarded) e-mail from Ramon Orlina. The curator, using the unofficial-sounding e-mail address “smash_topek@yahoo.com,” told Mr. Orlina that they couldn’t put up my painting because “the secret part of a woman” is painted too clearly and that they hope the artist “could replace it with the other works that don’t bring any bad interpretation from or to the audiences.” The curator’s e-mail ends with one of those cute quotes on e-mail stationeries: “Never take anything Seriously, Never, Never, Never… That’s me.” I wonder if that’s a line from a Hannah Montana song.”
Where you can see this painting: The Crucible Gallery, 4/F SM Megamall Building A, Mandaluyong City.
When: February 16 – 28. There will be no opening reception but the artist will be present on the 16th.

Our first dog adoption story arrived yesterday from Faye Ferrer. We would prefer that you and your pet be together at least six months by the time you write us, but we’ll make an exception for our first canine entry.

My son and I just came from watching Watchmen from Gateway. As we were walking towards P. Tuazon we saw a tiny figure with glowing eyes on the side of SM near the motorcycle parking lot. It was a small dog (which looked more like a big rat) sitting, wagging his tail and looking at us intently. We knew at once that this was an abandoned dog: he was very skinny and tied to a post with a nylon cord. The mall security one guard told me that the dog had been there since that morning (we saw him at around 11pm). I left my name and number with the guard in case someone reclaims him. We brought him home even though the cats (five of them) were all hissing and ready to pounce on the poor thing. The following day my sister took the dog home and now he is friends with her other dog. The vet says he is probably less than 3 months old. He’s now two weeks with my sister and her daughters and their dog Kid – Shing has found a home. Right now Shing is undergoing de-worming and anti-mange medication. Shing and Kid get along very well.

Shing gets a gift pack from Purina and the Homeless, Not Worthless campaign.

Choice entries from Toujours Tingo by Adam Jacot de Boinod, a book listing weird words and phrases from all over the world.

Layogenic: Filipino for someone good-looking from afar but ugly up close.

Ikibari: Japanese, a “lively needle” and describing a man who is willing but under-endowed.

Fensterln: German for climbing through a window to avoid someone’s parents so you can have sex without them knowing.

Okuri-okami: Japanese for a man who feigns thoughtfulness by offering to see a girl home only to try to molest her once he gets in the door – literally, a “see-you-home wolf”

Trennungsagentur: German for someone hired by a woman to tell her boyfriend he has been dumped.

Momma ko ene: Cheyenne for having red eyes from crying over your boyfriend marrying someone else.

Nito-onna: Japanese for a woman so dedicated to her career that she has no time to iron blouses and so resorts to dressing only in knitted tops.

1. Scented candles say “I’m not even trying.”
2. One bottle of wine says, “I got a case at a wholesale rate so whoopee-doo, you’re all getting the same thing”, which suggests you can’t tell your friends apart. Does not apply to rare vintages.
3. A book, because I might already have it. Gift certificates are alright, but they announce, “I can’t be bothered to think of an appropriate present for you, so go get yourself something.”
4. Refrigerator magnets, because there is no space left on the surface of the fridge to stick them on. (In my house the fridge is less a food storage device than a bulletin board.)
5. Perfume. I can’t stand strong scents and most perfumes give me a headache.
6. Cookies, because I hang out with a pastry chef and I’ve gotten snooty about desserts.
7. DVDs, see number 3.
8. Lined notebooks. I prefer plain unlined or squared.
9. Figurines and other cute bric-a-brac, because my cats hate them and kick them off tables and shelves.
10. Picture frames say, “I don’t really know you, but I feel obligated to give you a present.”

Tina called my attention to a Wapedia entry about me. 

“Her work has been the subject of academic study (1). Content analysis of the Twisted series reveals Zafra’s disdain for men in general, and Filipino men in particular, whom she finds “stupid and weak” (2). Most of her positive descriptions of men were reserved for foreign celebrities like Mel Gibson (3), David Duchovny (4), Goran Ivanisevic (5) and Sting (6).”

(1) I do not participate in academic studies of my work because I already spend too much time talking about myself, plus it is not for me to pass judgment on my own output. 

(2) This is what happens when the academic study does not factor in the most important ingredient in my work: Irony. But I guess a sense of irony cannot be taught. I’ll say this once: I love men. Maybe not you in particular, but I am a great admirer of the male of the species, regardless of nationality. All my friends are men, straight and gay. It’s women friends who have almost vanished from my directory, because they’re all busy saving the world. I see my gay guy friends everyday, and what do we talk about 70 percent of the time? Men.

I feel for you guys. I think you should be liberated from having to carry your wives/girlfriends’ handbags (You should offer to carry laptop bags and heavy packages because you are physically stronger, generally), or from waiting outside fitting rooms and being ordered to fetch clothes in other sizes or colors. I would not mind at all if you always picked up the tab, after all you’re hardwired to be the hunter-gatherers (while we discover agriculture, quantum physics, etc).

You should also not be compelled to discuss your feelings unless you’re ready to go full Oprah. I know how ooky it is to discuss your emotional state, especially when you’re watching sports. This emo thing has gone too far. If someone wanted to discuss our, ugh, relationship while I was watching the fifth set of a Federer-Nadal final, there would be blood. Women should realize that your obsession with sports is totally about feelings. Don’t they notice how much crying goes on at sporting events?

(3) That was the 90s, I was young and stupid. I don’t deny I loved Mad Max II and Braveheart but I have already renounced his fundamentalist ass.

(4) He’s so 90s, I was young and stupid, but there’s nothing to renounce.

(5) Love him.

(6) If you’re doing a proper academic study, could you read past Twisted 1? There are eight volumes, you know, plus Flicks and Travels.

I want these glasses from Fabulous Fanny’s, NYC.

P.S. According to Ricky, it is apparently the fashion these days for boys to carry their girlfriends’ handbags. It is a public announcement that (1) They are getting some, and (2) They are secure enough in their masculinity to be seen toting girliness. I think that (3) If it makes you happy to carry your girlfriend’s handbag, go ahead and be happy, (4) She would have two major accessories, the bag and the carrier, and (5) It’s her public announcement that you are her territory. Also, (6) You can buy your own designer bag, you know.

Photo: Velocipede by Ricky Villabona

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