Twisted by Jessica Zafra – Pumping irony since 1994

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Congratulations to the winner of our GoT Moleskine contest

July 17, 2016 By: jessicazafra Category: Contest, Television No Comments →

That’s abcabc’s canine housemate, who looks like a handsome young Chewbacca.

Who are the worst parents on Game of Thrones? Answer this and win a limited edition Moleskine.

July 05, 2016 By: jessicazafra Category: Contest, Television 23 Comments →

Update: The winner of the Worst Parents in Westeros contest is abcabc.

# 18 abcabc Says:
July 7th, 2016 at 18:20 e
Craster is the worst parent for me. Imagine being his daughter or granddaughter. The daughters were raped and forced to bear his offspring. It might be confusing for the daughter because yes, she must have loathed the baby, but then there’s love too. And then if it turns out it’s a boy, it will get killed. If it’s a woman, well, she’s in for a lifetime of slavery. Craster is the worst because unlike the children of other GOT characters, his did not have the luxury of a friend’s company. They cannot leave. They were forced to be in that situation without recourse. Imagine all the things that hurt you never going away and knowing you will never escape.

Congratulations! You can claim your limited edition Game of Thrones Moleskine at the Customer Service counter of National Bookstore at Power Plant Mall in Rockwell, Makati, any day starting Wednesday. Just give the name you used to register on this site (Your initials and surname). Enjoy your Moleskine.

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Jon Snow may be a bastard and an orphan, but given the state of parenting in Westeros, he may be one of the lucky ones. He was raised by the honorable Eddard Stark and Catelyn Stark, who was mean to him but admitted she was mean to him. Good parents are rarer than Valyrian steel in the Seven Kingdoms. There’s Tywin Lannister, who hated his youngest child Tyrion and withheld his affection from the twins. Cersei’s one redeeming quality apart from her cheekbones was her love for her children, but now she’s dead inside.


There’s bonkers Lysa Arryn, who breastfed Robin till he was ten and was moved to instigate the game by her enduring lust for Petyr Baelish. Stannis Baratheon loved his daughter Shireen and would not give up the search for a cure for greyscale (hope for Jorah Mormont), but had her burned at the stake. Walder Frey and Balon Greyjoy are just horrible. Randyll Tarly maltreated Samwell and wished him dead. We almost forgot the loathsome Craster, Gilly’s father.

Who are the worst parents on Game of Thrones? (Let’s limit the field to the TV show because if we bring in the books and the histories this discussion would go on for months.) Post your answer in Comments, along with a brief explanation of your choice. The winner will receive this limited edition Game of Thrones Moleskine pocket notebook.


Valar Morghulis.

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Our Worst Parents in Westeros raises an interesting set of questions.

What is a bad parent?
Is it possible to be a terrible human being but a good parent?
Is it possible to be a decent human being but a horrible parent?
How much responsibility do parents have over how their offspring turn out? There are nice people who have awful spawn, and there are monsters who somehow produce decent people.
What about redeeming qualities?
Nature or Nurture?
Are some people just bad?

Your nominees are:

Roose Bolton, for fathering Ramsay. Granted, Roose is a murderous traitor, and it’s hard to find redeeming qualities for a House that flays its enemies alive. But is Roose completely responsible for his monster son?

Craster, for raping and enslaving his daughters and granddaughters, and then giving all the male children to the White Walkers.

Randyll Tarly, for hating his fat, nerdy son Samwell (Samwell Tarly = Samwise Gamgee). Who nevertheless turns out to be a mensch.

Daenerys Targaryen, for sacrificing her unborn child to save her husband Khal Drogo. In her defence, the witch was not clear about the terms of the deal. Also I don’t think we can fault her for raising dragons rather than children. She can’t have children, plus you can’t conquer Westeros without an air force. (What about Aerys II Targaryen who wanted to burn everyone?)

Walder Frey, lecherous traitor who hosted the Red Wedding. Father to many, many unhappy children. But should responsibility for the Red Wedding not be shared by Roose Bolton and Tywin Lannister?

Mace Tyrell, for total cluelessness. On the other hand, his children had fabulous wardrobes and made their own choices. (Did Lady Olenna emasculate her son?)

Cersei and Jaime Lannister, incestuous twins, parents of the horror that was Joffrey. Myrcella and Tommen turned out okay, but were just pawns for Cersei. Shouldn’t Jaime be held accountable as well? Shouldn’t Robert Baratheon, who was officially Joffrey’s father? Then again, Cersei had Robert killed.

Melisandre, mother of the smoke baby that killed Renly Baratheon. Though she didn’t really raise it, just kind of farted it out. She is a murderous religious fundamentalist. Does she get points for bringing back Jon Snow? (One could argue that Jon would’ve come back anyway.)

Clegane, father of Gregor “The Mountain” and Sandor “The Hound”. Even as a child Gregor was a monster abetted by his father. But Sandor is an interesting character–there’s good in him, though it may be too late for redemption.

Eddard Stark, for leaving Winterfell and valuing his honor more than the lives of his children. In his defense, he confessed to treason in exchange for the safety of Sansa and Arya. The deal was for him to take the black, but Joffrey had his head cut off. (What about Catelyn, who left little Bran–whom their enemies had tried to kill twice//and Rickon to rule Winterfell?)

Lysa Arryn overindulged her son and turned him into a spoiled wimp who will be a pawn forever. Baelish used her to set the Game of Thrones in motion, endangering parents and children throughout the Seven Kingdoms.

Stannis Baratheon, killed his brother and his daughter in his futile quest to be king. And had no sense of humor.

Mommy Direwolf can’t really be blamed for dying. (May as well fault Lyanna Stark for dying in childbirth.) If the Starks hadn’t adopted the pups they’d be dead, too.

Keep sending your answers.

Number of people who have told me they are worried for Lyanna Mormont: 10.

Westerosi Parents of the Year shortlist:

Oberyn and Ellaria Martell seemed like cool parents, but their daughters turned out to be surly killers.
Davos Seaworth
Selwyn Tarth, whom we have never seen, allowed his daughter Brienne to be a warrior.

9 years, 9 stories: Game of Thrones in Tagalog

September 23, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Books, Contest No Comments →

From 2013: A Translation of Ice and Fire

You win or you die from A Game of Thrones, translated by japz20

Takipsilim nang magtagpo sila ng reyna, habang nagsisimula pa lamang mamula ang kalangitan. Mag-isa lamang ito, alinsunod sa hiling nya. Ngayon lang nya nakitang payak ang bihis ng reyna, botang balat at simpleng luntiang gayak. Nang tanggalin nya ang kanyang talukbong, nakita ni Ned ang pasa na bakas ng sampal ng hari. Nabawasan na ang pangingitim at humupa na ang pamamaga, ngunit hindi maikakaila kung ano ito.

“Bakit dito?” tanong ni Cersei Lannister.

“Para nakikita tayo ng mga diyos.”

9 years, 9 stories: 9 winners of the LitWit Challenge

September 22, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Contest No Comments →

One of our regular features is the LitWit Challenge, in which we furnish a situation, premise or photograph, and the participants develop it into a story of 1,000 words or more. This contest has generated a lot of good stuff over the years—bizarre, hilarious, absurd, inventive, moving, filthy, and always extremely readable. This is our core audience: the nerds, the weirdos, the people who carry entire galaxies in their heads.

What follows is a selection of stories written by our readers. It’s interesting to view them as standalone pieces outside of the contests. There are dozens more that we could feature, but these are the first ones that popped up in our not-very-thorough search through the archive. We really should put a book out. Remind us of your favorite stories in Comments.

Thanks to National Bookstore, which has supported the LitWit Challenge since its inception.

We can’t think of proper illustrations for the stories, so if anyone has suggestions or feels like doing visuals, email them to

1. Agalmatophilia by Qsdn

September 22, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Contest No Comments →

Anne Tamondong
Illustration: Watercolor on paper by Anne Tamondong

Published 15 Sept 2010

We walked together in this hallway, and sat on this self-same Persian runner, gazing into space, saying sweet nothings, making love. Yet, love was forbidden between the two of us and quickly I became your Romeo, and you, my sweet Juliet. We kept our secret hidden, yet I couldn’t resist. I bought you the latest fashion, dressing you up like a queen one second, and wantonly removing it in bursts of lust the next. This was our downfall. Your nubile body was always in my thoughts, fueling fantasies beyond the ordinary. You couldn’t take the strength of my desire nor the unquenchable lust I felt for you and one day, as a cradled you in my arms, the heat rising in my body, you fell apart.

2. Feast Day by joyeah

September 22, 2015 By: jessicazafra Category: Contest No Comments →

Published 28 April 2013

– Sa manga guibo mong milagro, minadolog gabos simo,
cahelangan man o ano, gabos pinagraranga mo.
Manga buta binulong mo na baga entermero.

Vicente aranga cami, an simong ugay halat mi. –

The whole of San Vicente was abuzz with activity. It was the eve of the Barangay Fiesta and the festive air was a fever spreading over everyone and everywhere. Colorful ‘banderitas’ hung from trees and over each street. Pigs were being butchered and roasted into succulent Litson. In every other house, someone was singing “Pusong Bato” with earsplitting loudness on videoke machines.