JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Twisted by Jessica Zafra – Pumping irony since 1994
Subscribe

Archive for April, 2011

Seen on billboard, overheard on train

April 30, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: In Traffic 6 Comments →


Photo by cesarcambay from Panoramio.

Overheard by Anna on the MRT as the train passed a giant Belo billboard on Edsa:

“Ano ba naman yang billboard ni Ruffa, Body Ti-teh.”

Anna’s thought balloon:

“Oo nga naman, dapat ang spelling T-y-t.”

(Apologies to non-Tagalog speakers: humor untranslatable.)

How to blow P10M in 48 hours

April 30, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Contest, Money, Places 9 Comments →

Despondent at losing William? The NY Daily News proposes the following alternatives.


HRH Carl Philip of Sweden

Juan: I can’t believe the top story in all the local news websites is the British royal wedding and not the resignation of the OMG (ombudsman).

Me: Because social-climbing is more fun than investigating corruption and the people are better-looking?

We asked our friend Carlo the pastry chef to pick the winners of our Blow 10 Million Pesos in 48 Hours contest. We said, “Use any criteria you like.” So Carlo used the following rules:

1. Sounds cute
2. Made me laugh

Yes, he picked them like a date. (He is not a charter member of Overthinkers Anonymous.)

“It was a tough job having to choose only two,” Carlo notes, “They were so hilarious. I was alone, laughing in my room.” The winners:

# 4 julesmariano. “He sounds cute, except for the name. (I’ve never had a crush on anyone named Jules.) And anyone who likes expensive watches must be cute. I wanna see his legs.”

# 21 lzlsanatomy. “This one is really witty. Made me laugh. A smart idea too, putting Willie on the spot.”

Congratulations, julesmariano and lzlsanatomy! You each get a pair of tickets to Kaos at Resorts World Manila on May 13, 2011. You can pick up your tickets any day starting Tuesday, May 3 at Wild Ginger in the basement of Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati. Just give your usernames (Sorry, don’t have time to wait for your full names. Momelia, we’ll leave your Kaos tickets at the same place).

Thanks to Archie Nicasio and his staff at Resorts World Manila.

By the way cochise_miz, you can pick up your prizes for the LitWit Challenge at National Bookstore in Power Plant Mall, Rockwell any day starting Tuesday, May 3. Sorry for the delay.

An icy dagger to the heart

April 29, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Books, Television 8 Comments →

When we expressed our intention of reading George R.R. Martin’s fantasy saga A Song of Ice and Fire, reader Qsdn posted this comment.

“Tip when reading RR Martin: Don’t invest too much emotion in his characters. :p George RR Martin does like twisting your heart a bit too much. I stick with Robert Jordan.”

No truer words were ever posted on a comments page. Dammit, you get attached to a character and then something horrendous happens to her or him. Horrendous and often final. Why do you do this to us, George R.R. Martin! You don’t even spare the animals!!

Of course many beloved characters die in my favorite fantasy and SF epics Dune, The Lord of the Rings, The Once and Future King. (Look away now, spoilers coming.) Some deaths set the plots in motion: the Duke Leto Atreides must die on Arrakis and his house be scattered so that Paul may seek sanctuary with the Fremen. Some deaths are the price of redemption—Boromir tries to take the Ring, but he is cut down defending the hobbits. The manner of one’s death almost defines his life: Theoden goes knowing he has managed to live up to the code of his ancestors.

The most wrenching deaths are the pointless ones. It should not have happened, it is not fair, it could’ve been prevented; some foul treachery turned the hero’s own qualities against him. In The Once and Future King a truce had already been made, only to be broken by a random event.

Of these three epics T.H. White’s is the most melancholy, shot through with a gloomy beauty. The mood can change in seconds: a unicorn hunt begins in a comical vein and ends in a bloody absurdity. There are schemes, battles, power struggles, and none of them have the destructive force of true love.

(Recently we sat through a new TV series about Merlin and Arthur. Its creators, working on the Harry Potter and Smallville models, were going for a teen-friendly origin story. We had a fit of what can only be called English Major Rage: They are not the same age! Arthur never knew his father! Arthur was conceived with the aid of Merlin who sent Uther to Igraine in the guise of her husband the Duke of Tintagel! Then Merlin took the child and gave him to Sir Hector to raise! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. That night we went to sleep using Thomas Malory’s doorstop Morte d’Arthur for a pillow. We have not seen the current King Arthur series with Joseph Fiennes as Merlin, but suspect we will need to have strong liquor within reach.)

A Game of Thrones, the first novel in George R.R. Martin’s series, is compelling to read and harsh on its protagonists. One is well-advised not to get overly fond of anyone, as nine times out of ten he or she will come to a bad end. In the traditional epics courage, valor and a pure heart are rewarded; in this contemporary epic they are frequently a cause of doom.

But we will go on reading, being unable to stop. Not for nothing are we readers of epics.

Join us for tea in London?

April 28, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Books, Places, Traveling 5 Comments →

I’m going to London for work next week, and after that I have a week off.

My friend and I are thinking of organizing a meet-and-greet one afternoon between May 15 and 30. Just figuring out the details.

If you’re in the neighborhood would you like to join us? I can bring copies of Twisted 9.

Paws with heels

April 28, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Cats, Clothing 4 Comments →


by Christian Louboutin

Auntie Janey’s Old Fashioned Agony Column #13: Distasteful things

April 28, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Re-lay-shun-ships 2 Comments →


Photo: Susan Sarandon as the Princess Wensicia Corrino in the TV series Children of Dune

Dear Aunt Janey,

I tried looking for your e-mail but the Internet wouldn’t cough it up.

The thing is, I have no intention of having children. I also find coitus distasteful so I have to pass on the whole marriage thing. However, my grandmother is staying with us during the holidays and it made me think. Should I reevaluate my whole distaste for romantic relationships? I have friends now but during bursts of loneliness when I turn to them for emotional satisfaction, they’re all busy with their lives. I invest so much into our relationships, reaching out and cultivating an interest in their interests so we can be closer. In the end though I get not a whit of a response to my long-winded emails and carefully thought-out funny texts.

Suffice it to say I can handle being on my own but I just need to make an informed decision about this. In the future if I’m hunchbacked, have trouble walking (like my grandma) because of arthritis and have faulty hearing, would I look back to my young self and regret not trying for a family? I’m comfortable on my own but is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Thank you in advance.

Gratefully,
Single-serve rice cooker

(more…)