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Last week two German art historians announced a new theory on the loss of Vincent Van Gogh’s ear. The episode is veiled in mystery, but it has long been believed that Vincent cut it off himself during a period of insanity. After the hacking, he checked himself into an asylum.

Now the German historians say that it was not self-mutilation: Vincent’s sometime housemate Paul Gauguin cut it off. They claim to have evidence that Vincent attacked Paul, who happened to be carrying his fencing foil and used it on the other man’s ear.

Riiight. But a foil would not be an efficient weapon for slicing an ear off. Why not…a light saber? Maybe Gauguin was really from the future! He knew that Vincent Van Gogh would become one of the best-loved painters in history and way more famous than he, so he traveled back in time to destroy Vincent and ensure that he, not Van Gogh, would become the bigger star…

Or maybe Gauguin did it to get his hands on Sunflowers.

Hypochondriacs, stop reading right now.

In Foreign Policy: Swine flu has infected 1,500 people worldwide and killed around 30, almost all in Mexico. But it is far from the world’s most serious disease outbreak. Here are five you probably won’t see on the evening news.

The five are cholera, spinal meningitis, AIDS, Ebola (a non-fatal strain has appeared in the Philippines), and dengue fever.

Recommended reading: Barth Anderson’s highly prescient techno-thriller The Patron Saint of Plagues. Set in the near future, it’s about an epidemic that begins in Mexico.

The Hunt for Gollum, directed by Chris Bouchard and produced for a few thousand dollars with makeshift equipment and sets and 160 volunteers, covers a section of The Lord of the Rings that is mentioned but does not appear in the film trilogy by Peter Jackson. Bouchard found actors who resemble Viggo Mortensen and Ian McKellen. To avoid any issues with the famously overprotective Tolkien Estate, the filmmakers have made The Hunt for Gollum available for free. Watch it!

Photo: Action figures of Eomer from The Lord Of The Rings and Dr McCoy from Star Trek, both played by Karl Urban. Blast, we’re going to have watch those Xena: Warrior Princess episodes where he played Cupid/Julius Caesar.

Saw Star Trek on Imax, this time without the annoying voice that wanted to know how a starship could survive cracks on its hull in deep space, how big a blast would have to be to counter the gravitational pull of a black hole, the theoretical circumstances in which you can meet yourself, and what’s with all the lens flares. After all, the TV series was based on the premise that it’s possible to travel faster than the speed of light.

Result: Big fun! Star Trek has the sense of joy and unlimited possibility lacking in the workmanlike movies that preceded it (and in the leaden Star Wars prequels). It refuses to be bound by everything that came before, it revitalizes the franchise by wiping out many of the givens. Clever! True, it helps that everyone is young and bright-eyed. You realize of course that after this intervention Spock can develop into a drama queen and Kirk can be a good actor.

On the way out I wailed and whined until my sister bought me the Dr McCoy action figure. My sister has turned into my mother.

1. Take the Starbucks coffee sampler you got last Xmas and put the remaining foil packs of coffee in the fridge.

2. Open up the book-type fold-out box and arrange eight eyeglasses cases in two neat rows.

3. Voila, no more rooting in the cat toy box when you want to find a particular pair. But you will need more boxes of that exact size.