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Personal blog of Jessica Zafra, author of The Collected Stories and the Twisted series
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Archive for September, 2009

Why would anyone spy on Dr. Lumbera?

September 19, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events No Comments →

Defense Secretary Gilbert Teodoro said Friday “heads will roll” if somebody is found guilty in the “spying” incident involving a soldier who was allegedly caught conducting “surveillance training” exercises on the home of National Artist Bienvenido Lumbera.

A. The perp is flunking Dr. Lumbera’s class and desperately needs the questions for the next exam. (Anyone here from Ateneo? Need confirmation as to whether Dr. Lumbera is teaching this term.)

B. Someone miffed that country did not plotz with joy at proclamation of Carlo J. Caparas, Cecile Alvarez, Pitoy Moreno as National Artists.

C. Some other disgruntled National Artist wannabe (They are legion) hoping to plagiarize his work-in-progress.

D. Oops they were supposed to spy on Bien Lumbera’s wife’s brother, Speaker of the House Prospero Nograles.

E. Impossible. The military doesn’t give a shit about art and literature.

F. They need his review of the new Vilma Santos movie NOW.

G. But we’re ALL under surveillance. What, you didn’t know your phones were tapped?

Nanay Vi

September 18, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Movies 4 Comments →

inmylife

In My Life, a Star Cinema production. Directed by Olivia Lamasan. Written by Raymond Lee, Senedy Que, and Olivia Lamasan. Starring Vilma Santos, Luis Manzano, and John Lloyd Cruz.

1. Something is wrong with the sound. The movie is loud, as in Michael Bay loud, but with the tinny maximum treble quality we associate with stereos in jeepneys. We’re used to the relentless overscoring of Star product, but do the actors have to yell at us too?

2. The cinematography is ugly. Everything has a blue-green tint. It looks like those cheap Hong Kong gangster movies of the 70s. They had an excuse: they were cheap Hong Kong gangster movies from the 70s. This one is a big-budget Star Cinema production starring ABS-CBN’s biggest movie asset John Lloyd Cruz and The Vilma Santos. For starters, they could afford to shoot in New York City instead of pretending Makati is Manhattan. So you fly everyone to NYC, stick around for months, and you decide to scrimp on the filters and diffusers? It does not compute.

3. Vilma Santos seldom appears in movies anymore, so when she does it is an event. In My Life is a good choice because she is allowed to act her age. Her character Shirley Templo (great name) is cute but frequently unsympathetic and even irritating, the way fussy old people who are set in their ways, who are resistant to anything new and never admit their own mistakes, are irritating. A human being! Wow.

But she is still Ate Vi so there will be dancing. The bagel guy, though: too ancient. The extras: Please.

4. The story is plausible, and even when it veers towards weirdness it’s acceptable weirdness—things that do happen in real life. The characters are well-drawn, and it’s refreshing to see a Star Cinema project in which all the characters are not consumed by the main love team’s melodrama. For starters there is no love team as we know it. The primary relationship is between Shirley Templo and her son’s boyfriend played by John Lloyd Cruz.

It is also refreshing to see a mainstream Pinoy movie in which the mother of a gay man already knows he is gay and thinks she has accepted the fact. We are spared those corny “Where did I go wrong?” speeches.

5. Big gamble casting John Lloyd and Luis Manzano as the gay couple—the audience is used to seeing them pursuing or being pursued by girls. It is a measure of the audience’s openness that no one said “Eeeeee” or laughed during their scenes together. It helps that the two did not play it swishy. John Lloyd is pretty good—in the emotionally-charged scenes, he knows how to use his eyes. Luis Manzano moves his facial muscles too much.

6. Of course the dramatic confrontations are still too long, loud, talky, and overwrought. You know that cinematic convention where the camera pulls away from the emotional encounter as if the characters’ pain is too much to bear? Pinoy movies don’t observe that convention. According to the rules of Pinoy movies, the camera should swoop in until we can see the characters’ pores and flying spittle. Apparently the audience demands suffering up-close.

7. The tranny character named Hillary dresses like Michelle Obama.

“As I was telling Roger at that dinner with Miuccia, I hate name-dropping.” (Updated)

September 18, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Science, Tennis 1 Comment →

Why is it that we find “name-dropping” and related behaviors so unappealing in others? Similar to many other social behaviors, the phenomenon of name-dropping is one of those human foibles that is so routine and commonplace that scientists have almost completely overlooked it as a potentially fruitful topic of investigation. An exception to this was a study published earlier this year in the journal Social Influence. In this study, University of Zurich psychologists Carmen Lebherz, Klaus Jonas and Barbara Tomljenovic conducted a controlled experiment in which participants were introduced to a stranger who name-dropped to various degrees. The volunteers were then asked to rate this stranger on several key dimensions. . .Because the study took place in Zurich, the experimenters decided to use the name of a well-liked national figure, and Roger Federer fit the bill perfectly. . .

“So Then I Said to Roger Federer. . .”: The Tricky Business of Name-Dropping. Psychologists examine how name-dropping can backfire on those poor at the craft. Jesse Bering in Scientific American.

Butch alerted me to the Kuro5hin blog, Roger Federer Killed David Foster Wallace.

DFW was found dead on September 14, 2008. Two days earlier I’d name-checked him in my column about The Fed winning the US Open: “Tennis champions are not like most people. As the footnote happy novelist David Foster Wallace reminds us, they see in a different way. We see the tennis ball whizzing through the air, and Federer getting there before the ball does. How did he know it was going there? Is he psychic, or has he made a pact with the devil disguised as Vogue’s Anna Wintour?” Hmmm.

Kevin directed me to this ATP World Tour piece, Kramer “Most Significant Person In Tennis”. In my ignorance I thought they were referring to Kramer from Seinfeld, who in one episode became the oldest ballboy at the US Open.

Adapted for the screen and directed by Carlo J. Caparas, Mr. National Artist to you

September 16, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Books, Movies 43 Comments →

President Nerd
US President Barack Obama in a photo-op promoting Chicago’s bid for the 2016 Olympics. (Bend the knees, Mr. President, plié.)

This week’s LitWit challenge the Back to School Speech isn’t really working out (wasting this perfectly good photo) so I’m replacing it with something substantially less serious.

We like books, we like movies, we like books made into movies. If there’s a guy who knows a thing or three about all of the above it’s the Philippines’ National Artist for Film and the Visual Arts, Carlo J. Caparas. Caparas went from writer of komiks serials to auteur of such films as The Vizconde Massacre, The Lipa Massacre, The Tirad Pass Massacre, The Lotto Massacre, and the Massacre Ng Mga Elitista, currently in production.

What if the National Artist were to adapt other people’s works of literature into film? The possibilities are stunning. In the hands of Carlo J. Caparas, Jose Rizal’s novel Noli Me Tangere (In English, Touch Me Not) would become Huwag Mo Akong Hipuin, Huwag!

Given the Carlo J treatment El Filibusterismo would turn into The Wedding Massacre: Sasabog Na Ang Bomba! (I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife.)

In contrast to the pallid Hollywood adaptation of Da Vinci Code, his version would be Ang Katawan At Dugo ni Mona Lisa (Hesusmaryosep!). The classic fairy tale The Little Red Riding Hood would turn into The Little Red Riding Hood Rape-Slay (Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?), and Snow White, The Pitong Unano Massacre (Huwag Mong Kakagatin Ang Mansanas!).

Send in your proposed titles (as many as you wish) for Carlo J. Caparas film adaptations of any book by Sunday, 20 September. The two best entries will get

Shutter Island

Dennis Lehane’s Shutter Island, which has been filmed by Martin Scorsese as. . .Shutter Island. (Carlo J would never approve of that title, it’s too obvious.)

Post your entries now! Thanks to Butch for the concept. The weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by National Bookstore. The annual Cut-Price Book Sale is still on so post your entries, and then go to National!

* * * * *
Cheri by Colette: Puede Pa Si Lola, Part 2 (title borrowed from Chris Martinez)
The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway: Umaga Na Nang Hinugot (also borrowed from Chris)
The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck: Kapag ang Palay Naging Bigas, May Bumayo (actual movie title)
Oedipus Rex by Sophocles: The Thebes Massacre: Pinakasalan Ko Ang Ina Ko (My Eyes! My Eyes!)
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald: Massacre sa Kanlurang Itlog (Massacre in West Egg): Glug Glug Glug
Help! I can’t stop!

Don’t even ask.

September 16, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Movies No Comments →

Hilarious! Sounds like an asshole but he has a point. If people want to read your script or novel or poetry cycle, they would offer to.

​I will not read your fucking script.

That’s simple enough, isn’t it? “I will not read your fucking script.” What’s not clear about that? There’s nothing personal about it, nothing loaded, nothing complicated. I simply have no interest in reading your fucking screenplay. None whatsoever.

If that seems unfair, I’ll make you a deal. In return for you not asking me to read your fucking script, I will not ask you to wash my fucking car, or take my fucking picture, or represent me in fucking court, or take out my fucking gall bladder, or whatever the fuck it is that you do for a living.

You’re a lovely person. Whatever time we’ve spent together has, I’m sure, been pleasurable for both of us. I quite enjoyed that conversation we once had about structure and theme, and why Sergio Leone is the greatest director who ever lived. Yes, we bonded, and yes, I wish you luck in all your endeavors, and it would thrill me no end to hear that you had sold your screenplay, and that it had been made into the best movie since Godfather Part II.

But I will not read your fucking script.

But do read the rest of Josh Olson’s piece in the Village Voice. Josh Olson wrote the screenplay of A History of Violence.

Kapre o tikbalang?

September 16, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Tennis 3 Comments →

Saffy in 2009 with Uncle Roger in 1985

Running text conversation with eminent ancient poet LeK during US Open. Messages are intended to be horrible. Favorite players are referred to as boyfriends. LeK will turn gay for LeBron James. LeK’s texts are in italics, have fun decoding them. I spell everything out.

Wow. Do I have a new idol in Del Potro? Whitewashed Nadal he just did.
Masakit ang tuhod ni Rafa.
Tuhod ba o abdominal strain two days ago?
Konektado yon, trying to take pressure off knees.
Parang ang galing ni Potro, tho last set lang kita ko. Ingat ur bf.
Ampanget lang ng pangalan nya.
Potrogis, bakeet? At veinte pa lang. De Pampas pa.
Hala andaming Argentinian player suspended for drugs. Coria, Canas etc hanggang Maradona.
Apo ni Borges ito. He wil write Don Quixote all over again. I feel if he play lyk kanina, talong tatay ng kambal. Led him 2 sets 2 1 in Garros, nagfold lang. Not in NY.

But can he hit the between the legs back to the net crosscourt winner to set up matchpoint? Puede na sa circus!
Ah, Federer na ba now? Saw Kim win kanina.
O si Kim nanay. Nanay at Tatay! Medyo naawa ako kay Serena. Nobody calls a foot fault at that stage tapos her size was used against her. Help, inaapi ako!
Kitang kita naman her left ft crosd d line. Tsaka bastos bully sya talaga, kahit asta sa ref, yabang.
You know LeBron James has a book right? Naku magsasabunutan kayo ni Anna Wintour, type nya rin si LeBron. Lahat ng boyfriend natin inaagaw.
Sino yang Wintour na yan.
Si The Devil Wears Prada. Editor ng Vogue na fan club ni Roger na gusto rin si LeBron.
She has fine devilish taste.

Nak ng hwe, 4 am ang Fed-Del Porno. Zzz na yata koaks.

Holy crap Del Porno in 5. Good night!

Nak ng hwe oo. Fel asleep by 6am n now wake 2 ur spoiler, waah! But then sombody beat u2 it. Shudv kept away from dis cp, haha. Now replay 4th set tiebreak. Viva Del Porno!
Natalo ang lola ko, nagyabang e. Kelangan kong sapakin.
Ket, tinatarayan ba linesman?
Yung umpire tinarayan. Bad influence talaga ang bruhang Anna Wintour. Hahaha nakahanap ng kontrabida.
How a match can change, no? Roger was immaculate in 1st set. 2wards end of 2nd, startd losing na his 1st serve n touch. Then Posonegro got momentum n confidence going in 4th.
Good final.
Tumatanda na yata lola mo. Di naka 6 strait sa Ashe, sayang. Pero tong c Portofino, 20 pa lang. Maging parang LeBron w/out d grace.
Di pa age yan. Matagal ang career nyan, conservation of energy. Masyado kasing napuri. OA media.
Pero galing si RF sa start, was cutting up Portonto. Turning pt nung chinallenge line col at tama c Portillo, the pasd Rog down d lyn to break. Mula nun, nawala touch ni Tanda.
Taller player more angles more momentum.
Del Potsu just wastd 2 match pts.
Made it on d 3rd. Iyakin pala, yoko na.

* * * * *
Running text conversation with Dorski.

Del Porno: kapre o tikbalang?