JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

The Cat’s Eye Nebula, from the NASA Astronomy Picture of the Day archive.

On Thursday we mark the 9th anniversary of Jessica Rules the Universe. We started blogging quite late, after having declared that we would never blog. At the time, we did not anticipate that we would join the ranks of the unemployed, and that if our byline did not appear in a newspaper every week, readers would simply assume that we had moved to another country and forget that we exist.

Our first blog was on blogspot and it was called Twisted by Jessica Zafra. Once, as an experiment, we turned off the comment moderation. The section was quickly overrun by trolls so we abandoned the blog altogether. In 2006 Melo Villareal offered to host our site, which he continues to do to this day. We couldn’t use our own name because someone had bought the domain name back in the mid-90s, so we decided on Jessica Rules the Universe.

On this blog we cover our personal interests: Books, Movies (and lately, TV), Travel, Tennis, Music, and of course, Cats. Occasionally, when riled, we write on Politics and Current Events (mostly Traffic). We also hold Contests, do Group Translations (See Camus in Tagalog, above), and organize Reader Support Groups when we take on books that require extra attention (War and Peace, Blood Meridian).

To mark our 9th anniversary, we’re showcasing 9 representative blog posts over the next three days. If you have any particular favorites, let us know in Comments.

Cats
From 2010: Emotional Blackmail

Mat the Cat: I would like a treat, please. (My cats are haughty but polite.)
Me: This is not a treat day. Your next treat is on Friday.
Mat: I would like one now.
Me: No, we don’t want you to get super-fat.
Mat: I am not fat, I am big-boned.
Me: This is not a negotiation. No treats till Friday.
Mat tries poor, pitiful expression (See photo).

Tennis
From 2012: Roger Federer, we release you

Before Sunday, Roger Federer’s last grand slam victory was at the Australian Open in 2010. Since then it’s been two and a half years of mental torment, recrimination and self-doubt—not for Federer, whose perfect hair remained unruffled by the dominance of Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal, but for Federer fans like myself.

I hope you’re a better human than I am, because I was reduced to hoping that Nadal’s knees would fall off (Not impossible, given the way he plays) or that Djokovic would split in half (Not impossible either—his upper torso goes left, his legs go right, boom! Manananggal). Sportswriters wrote Roger off (He’s 30)—I stopped reading them. He got cranky after his losses—I figured he’d been babysitting his twins. I watched the grand slams almost furtively, lest others gloat that he’d become “vincible”.

Movies
From 2010: 86. Try A Little Suicide (Danny Zialcita’s Tinimbang Ang Langit)

Victoria sees Sandra and has a fit of jealousy, or maybe she just had some bad shrimp for lunch, it’s hard to tell. Joel takes off to a beach resort to write songs, and he’s so distraught he walks around in shiny gold hot pants.

Train station, Budapest

Dear Ms. Zafra:

Based on your Affidavit of Loss your MacBook Air and cash was stolen when you fell asleep inside the train.

Premises considered, we regret to advise that we cannot act favorably on your claim as the policy covers loss of personal money due to robbery and loss of baggage/personal belongings covers in-flight only.

We trust you understand your position on this matter.

It was signed by a “Manager, Non-Motor Claims”.

Do they mean I had no right to make an insurance claim because I fell asleep, so I deserve to be robbed? Did my loss not qualify as a robbery because I was not threatened with weapons? Do they mean that the policy doesn’t cover train rides, only airline flights? And does their word processing program not have a spelling and grammar checker?

The second part of our column on travel insurance is now at InterAksyon. Read the first part here.

Are you anxious, stressed-out, neurotic? Are you haunted by the past, overwhelmed by the present, and worried about the future? Do you fear that you are losing your grip, your hair, or your mind? In short, are you a normal person?

The solution I prescribe is not only simple and accessible, but it’s entertaining and slots perfectly into your schedule. I recommend you watch television. Thanks to technology, watching TV is no longer an activity that requires you to plonk yourself in front of the set at a specific time. You can watch TV anytime, anywhere, as long as you are not driving a car, operating heavy machinery, or crossing the street. You can watch shows on an old-school TV set, on a computer screen, on a tablet, on a phone. If you’re extremely busy, you can watch a few minutes between appointments. If the traffic is bad enough, you can watch an entire season of Jonathan Norrell and Mr Strange or Silicon Valley while sitting in a car.

Here are five very common situations and the TV shows that might make you feel less wretched about being in those situations. If they don’t work, at least you will be diverted or distracted. (In which case I recommend reading 19th century Russian novels. Not only are they magnificent, but they will make your life seem cheerful in comparison.)

Read our TV column The Binge at BusinessWorld.

In our ongoing Writing Boot Camp that ends on Thursday, we give the participants a writing exercise and they have five or ten minutes to complete the assignment. Last week, we read a macabre fairy tale by Ludmilla Petrushevskaya, then showed them this freaky wooden rabbit and asked them to write a story about it. They had 10 minutes to finish it. Here are some of the results.

These submissions have been edited for grammar and syntax.

The next workshop, Advanced Short Story Writing, will start on 15 October 2015. The objective is to complete a short story in three weeks. For more information or to make a reservation, email Marj Villaflores, villaflores.md@ayalafoundation.org

*****

By Emily

It is pitch black, but I lie awake waiting. It sneaks into my room and slowly climbs onto my bed. I draw the covers up over my head and squeeze my eyes shut. I have always been terrified of the dark, afraid of things I cannot see. He has been visiting me for a year now, but I have always been too frightened to look out from the safety of my blankets. Tonight is the night I have decided to be brave enough to look and face my demons. I hope it’s not a clown. I hate clowns. I pray it’s not a horror mask or the devil. I am shaking as I start to move the covers away from my face, my teeth are chattering so loudly I can barely hear the creature stirring on my bed. Slowly I move the blanket away from my face but I still have my eyes squeezed tightly shut. I chide myself into slowly opening my eyes and even in the dark I can see him clear as day, a small grey rabbit with a maniacal grin, almost a death mask, staring back at me. I gasp. His grin is macabre but his eyes are kind, almost pleading. He looks more frightened of me than I am of him. We stare at each other for a long time until I open my covers and he climbs in and curls up next to me. We fall asleep together, cuddling. When I awaken in the morning he is gone, as I knew he would be. I wonder when this nightmare, the same one I have every night, will go away or if I will forever be haunted by my childhood losses.

By Bea

When the toy-maker Gügenmeyer set out to create his masterpiece, he built a marionette that was unlike his previous creations. This wooden rabbit of grey and white, its most memorable feature a sinister smile, would embody the perfect balance of innocence and violence. It would serve to taint impressionable children’s dreams and fuel their nightmares.

Following Gügenmeyer’s death, this toy was passed down to many generations, its origins fading rapidly in people’s memories. To this day no one knows that the toy-maker had built it with far more sinister intentions.

It’s barely a wonder that no one knows where this rabbit came from. Those who do have disappeared from the face of the earth. Others are still attempting to jot down their memories before it’s too late.

In fact, even as I write this, I can feel my memory slipping…

By Erica

After years of not dating, I thought of buying a wooden bunny at the sex shop so I could have a regular twilight friend. It only had bunny ears, head and torso, and so it was quite compact. You know how, the more orgasms you have, the more you want them? I started carrying it everywhere and using it every time I had a break. I felt guilty at being so sexually obsessed that I decided to visit my friend who’s a priest now. I told him about the bunny, and I asked him, “What’s next?” He told me to stop carrying the bunny everywhere, which just made me very sick. To make sure I would not use it again, I attached arms and legs to it and gave it to my mom. Quite safe, I supposed. I am pretty sure I cleaned it thoroughly, but I don’t know why it smells of chocolate fudge now and even has some residue. I sniffed it again. The chocolate fudge top note had faded and was replaced a familiar scent. It took me back to those days when I was very much alive.

By Ross

Ines was known as the best seamstress in her town. She was the Captain’s most trusted and longest-serving dressmaker.

The town Captain asked Ines to come to his house at least once a month for a new order—a polo barong, slacks, a semi-casual ensemble, and sometimes even handkerchiefs that were given to the devotees of their parish.

It was an open secret among townspeople that the Captain and Ines were having an affair. Every time Ines walked out of the Captain’s house, people stared at her with judgement. This affair went on for more than a year. It stopped when Ines revealed to the Captain that she was pregnant.

The Captain, anxious about the potential scandal and its effects on his reelection bid, forcefully convinced Ines to discontinue the pregnancy. Ines was assisted by the Captain’s men to the ‘clinic’ where the ‘medical check-up’ was done. A week later, Ines went back to her house in a debilitated state. She did not have the energy to socialize with her closest kin.

Ines locked herself in the sewing room and no one could talk to her for months. Her isolation forced customers to place orders with lesser known seamstresses in and around town. Election time came and the votes were tallied. The Captain was reelected as the town leader for another three years, an announcement which only a few considered news.

Ines found out about it through the streamers on electric posts which were hanged before the party. At that moment, Ines decided she had to share in the celebration, but in her own special way. Feeling the energy she never thought she could regain, Ines turned on her sewing machine, sat on her chair, and reached for needle and thread.

She stitched a huge amount of rags and ended up with a doll that looked like a bunny. The difference was that this bunny had a sinister smile and plenty of loose stitches in its arms, legs, and mouth. There was no room for improvement, Ines thought. The bunny was as perfect as any memorable present should be.

The night that everyone gathered in the town hall for the Captain’s oath-taking, Ines walked straight to the Captain’s house hugging the bunny.

She hanged the bunny on the gate and tied on a sash that said, “Congratulations, Captain.” She did not care whether people found out about what she did. She raised her head to see the Captain through the cheering crowd, and smiled. “I knew the Captain would love it,” she thought as she walked away.

By Anne

Once there was a cobbler’s son who received a pair of shiny black shoes every year from his father on his birthday. When the little boy was younger, he would jump out of bed and squeal with excitement every time he saw the pair of shoes. Over time, the cobbler’s son got tired of the shoes and wished for something he found more fun.

“Father, I wish I could have a new toy on my birthday. My shoes still fit well,” the little boy said, hoping against hope that he won’t get yet another pair of shoes on his special day.

“Shoes will take you places while toys will just fade and get broken,” the cobbler answered.

“But father, I want a toy!” the little boy said as he sat sat on the floor, watching his father sweeping off the dust.

“Henry, good little boys who know how to wait get their wishes.”

Hurt, the cobbler’s son stormed out of the store. He walked and walked and walked until the soles of his precious black shoes were already laughing at him. The cobbler’s son bowed down to check on his poor shoes and alas, what he found lying on the street was a wrecked wooden toy bunny. Its legs dangled dangerously onto its body, as if one touch would completely ruin it.

The wooden bunny was the same shade of dark blue as the shirt the cobbler’s son was wearing that day. The little boy stared at the toy bunny and noticed that its funny wide eyes were staring back at him as if it was reading his young mind. The blue bunny was sporting a grin so grim that it made the cobbler’s son shudder a bit.

The cobbler’s son tried to touch the toy bunny’s skeleton-like toes but he felt his head spinning around and around and around as if he was being sucked by a whirlpool. When the spinning stopped, the blue bunny was gone.

The little boy tried to run but his legs were wobbly, like shattered pieces sewn back together. He tried to shout but his mouth and teeth had formed a permanent menacing grin that made it impossible for him to utter a single syllable. He saw his black shoes in the middle of the road. He began to wonder if he had ever taken the shoes off. When he looked down, he saw that his toes had become as hard as wood and as blue as his shirt.
And he had no shoes.

We had promised to take Drogon to lunch with friends at the Henry Hotel, but there wasn’t enough space in the car for his big new carrier so we decided not to take him. While walking around the compound in Pasay, we spotted a cat that looked like Drogon,

and a cat that looked like Mat (from the back)

and on the veranda of the hotel, a cat that looked like Saffy.

Our cats are the Agents in The Matrix!

Reuters photo of the jobless in Europe.

Whenever Filipinos apply for a Schengen visa, we are required to buy travel insurance. This way if we require medical care in a foreign land, we do not become a drain upon the state. However, the typical travel insurance policy also covers lost property and travel hassles. Most of us don’t pay attention to our travel insurance policy—it doesn’t cost much, and it’s just a pain we want to get out of the way so we can go to Europe.

Read our column at InterAksyon.