JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Hello, I am Jacob the cat.

I am named after Jake Gyllenhaal; one of only two survivors of the xenomorph attack on the Nostromo; Miyazaki’s forest spirit; the wildling from Beyond the Wall; and the Wolverine, because when I was a kitten I was run over by a truck but was protected by my adamantium skeleton.

My hobbies are eating, exploring the house, eating, wrestling with my older brother Drogon, eating, and eating.

My human has decreed that today is my name-day. Do you have questions about your past, present, or future? Post them in Comments and I will answer them. I will also grant wishes, but first you must find a stray cat and feed them.

* * * * *
I fed the three strays downstairs and here’s a wish. I wish Lin-Manuel Miranda would do a benefit concert of West Side Story for Puerto Rican relief. With Ricky Martin, Jennifer Lopez, everyone.

I am the star of Game of Thrones. Drogon, fool, not a White Walker.

Much as we love Game of Thrones, with an affection that cannot be shaken by its abandonment of logic, we aspire to a life in which a new episode of the series is not the high point of our week, or the topic of all conversation.

P.S. Could not resist.

JRR Tolkien = George RR Martin
Aragorn the reluctant heir = Aegon (Jon)
Frodo the hobbit = Tyrion the dwarf
Samwise Gamgee= Samwell Tarly
Boromir = Theon Greyjoy
Eowyn the lady who wants to fight = Arya, who might kill
The Witch-King of Angmar, lord of the Nazgul = the Night King

Allan Carreon recorded our Q&A at the Philippine Readers and Writers Festival yesterday. Thanks to Allan, Deo and Roni for the post-discussion discussion, during which they filled me in on the pop culture I have missed. I had no idea there were telenovelas in which women fought using photocopiers and balut.

This sweet girl needs a home. She is currently living in a construction site in Bel-Air 2, Makati. My friend thinks the cat used to live in the house in front of the site, but her people moved out and did not take her along.

A kind foreman at the construction site is feeding and looking after the white cat for now. However, the house will soon be finished and the kitty will be left on her own again.

This kitty is docile and accustomed to being around humans. She is approximately three years old, white with blue eyes (I will check on the hearing situation). She is already spayed, so you don’t have to take her to the vet for the procedure.

Don’t let her wander around by herself, rooting in the garbage and getting drenched in the rain. Won’t you let her be part of your household? She is looking for people to love.

If you would like to adopt this cat, leave a message in comments or email me at saffron.safin@gmail.com and I’ll arrange a meeting.

Update: We’ve been in touch with the cat parents we know, and they all have too many cats as it is. So we need to convince someone who likes cats to start adopting. Know anyone?

Update: We have a human! Abs has kindly offered to adopt the kitty. We will meet next week to introduce them.

The white kitty is still looking for a parent. If you are interested in giving her a home, please email me at saffron.safin@gmail.com as this blog is on vacation.

Cat merchandise! Clockwise: Exploding Kittens, a hilarious card game from The Oatmeal; cat button earrings; an “invisible” (clear acrylic) cat pendant from Croatia; and magnets shaped like cat butts, from a store in Singapore.

Actual cat: Here’s Jacob when he was a homeless cat living downstairs a year ago. I fed the strays daily, but they still had a hard life and could not expect to live long. Jacob, in particular, had been run over by a car and has a limp. He’s also too friendly, and once staggered back to the garage wrapped in wire courtesy of some shithead.

Jacob now, three and a half months after he moved in with us. His activities include wandering around the apartment, watching at windows, and learning mixed martial arts with his best friend, Drogon.

Adopt a cat today! Visit a cat shelter and get a furry housemate. Look at these cats and dogs who need you.

When people say, “Shouldn’t you look after people before you worry about animals?” the correct answer is, “We should look after people AND animals.”

Note: None of the adorable cats and dogs depicted in this article have eaten their humans. (Shutterstock)

Surely the thought has occurred to you. The simple answer is….

Yes.

Don’t look at them like that. You’ll be dead.

Read it in Big Think.