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They’re called pornstar martinis because they’re dirty (contain olive juice).

I had just spent ten days at Kate Middleton’s father’s old school living the life of a ten-year-old prep pupil. Up at 6 am, sitting down to a healthy breakfast at 7, school by 8, home by 5, dinner at 6, in bed by 8 pm. I’d never been so wholesome in my life, not even when I was ten.

My Gay Friend reacted as if I’d just gotten out of prison. “We must go out!” he declared, so my first night in London was spent purging my systems of all that goodness.

First we went to a gay bar named G-A-Y. If I were to open a bar called S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T would that be discrimination? G-A-Y serves San Miguel Beer on tap. I had a glass of wine sitting next to two burly men smooching. Someone’s Saturday night was off to a flying start, and the sun was still out.

In Emotional Weather Report, today in the Philippine Star.

Jonny will be awake for the meet-and-greet, we promise.

We’re planning a meet-and-greet with our straight guy columnist Jon Morales of the national men’s rugby team on Saturday, 11 December, 7-9 pm at La Cuisine in Salcedo Village, Makati.

It’s the craziest time of the year and everyone has a party to attend, but what the hell. P100 gets you beer and bar chow. If you ordered 10+ copies Twisted 9 you can collect and pay for your books at the meet (Assuming the copies are delivered by then, our toes and fingers are crossed).

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La Cuisine is on the ground floor of Paseo Parkview, Sedeno corner San Agustin Street, Salcedo Village, Makati. It’s near Makati Sports Club and the Salcedo weekend market. On the Makati-bound side of Edsa, turn right on Buendia (Sen. Gil Puyat Avenue), left on Paseo de Roxas, and right again at Citibank. Turn left at the second intersection, which is San Agustin. La Cuisine is at the end of the street, on the left side.

Come to Cabaret Night at La Cuisine on Tuesday 7 December and Wednesday 8 December. Starring 30-year Broadway veteran Tony Mariño and his back-up all-girl trio, featuring English and French songs from the 1930s to the 50s. The show starts at 9pm. Book early! Call 501 5202 or 752 0335.

Our neighborhood French restaurant La Cuisine Francaise now has a wine bar. Get a 50 percent discount on wine by the glass and 30 percent off on bottles between 5 and 7pm. La Cuisine is on the ground floor of Paseo Parkview, Sedeño corner San Agustin Street, Salcedo Village, Makati (near Makati Sports). Call 5015202 or email paseo@lacuisine.ph.

Having endured many years of the Metro Manila Film Festival, it occurred to me that our viewing might be improved by drink. It certainly wouldn’t hurt: everything makes more sense with enough alcohol sloshing around your system.

Yesterday Jay suggested that we have wine and cheese at Cav on Bonifacio High Street. Afterwards, if we were still up to it, we could catch a mmff movie. Also we hoped that if we were sufficiently sloshed at least one of the movies would seem interesting enough to watch.

Cav offers a tasting menu—three kinds of red (they also have white) for P590. Our favorite was the Claymore, Graceland 04—I like a wine that refers to land mines and Elvis. We enjoyed the wine so much we decided to skip the movie altogether.

Today I made my second attempt to see a mmff movie. Vivien and I were at the mall, deciding which movie to watch, when who should walk by but Derek Ramsay. We decided to interpret this as a sign from the cosmos that we should catch his movie, I Love You, Goodbye. Later we realized that Derek walking by is not sign from the cosmos, unless he is naked. That should teach us a lesson.

I figured that we were safe since the movie is directed by Laurice Guillen. Surely if she saw that the screenplay did not make sense she would say, “I’m not shooting this.” Well the screenplay sucks so hard it swallows itself. I have not seen Nobody, Nobody But Juan, but I can tell you that it’s better than I Love You, Goodbye. Wapakman is probably more coherent than I Love You Goodbye, and I hear they didn’t have time to erase all the wires from the flying scenes.

I Love You, Goodbye is one of those torpid, needlessly glum movies where nothing happens for the first 100 minutes, then in the last 15 there is a series of absurd revelations that strain all credulity. It is as if the head of production (or since this is a Star Cinema product, a creative committee) reviewed the footage and said, “Nothing’s happening, just end it now.”

Gabby Concepcion whom I hesitate to call “well-preserved” because it evokes jars of formalin is a heart surgeon who is living with a former waitress played by Angelica Panganiban. Gabby is getting an annulment from his brilliant, accomplished wife played by Angel Aquino, to the disapproval of his dragon mother played by Liza Lorena with eyes popping out of her head. Gabby’s daughter Kim Chiu hates hates haaates Angelica for no reason at all and makes snide remarks that are supposed to be bitchy but just sound stupid. Then Derek Ramsay as Angelica’s boyfriend who abandoned her two years ago returns and wants her back, and since she won’t talk to him he befriends her would-be stepdaughter. Who immediately topples over, because look at that.

Jay says Derek isn’t Filipino at all, but British-Mexican, but Vivien says British plus Mexican equals Filipino because the British colonized America which colonized the Philippines and Mexico was colonized by Spain which colonized the Philippines so he’s Pinoy. Oh and I have to point out the one redeeming quality of I Love You, Goodbye: all the leads are very good-looking. Kim Chiu is so pretty you can almost ignore the voice assaulting your ears like a cheese grater.

Going back to the plot, Kim falls for Derek so I’m thinking, Ooh conflict, something Imitation of Life-ish or at least some girlfights like in All About Eve or Temptation Island. Naah, the screenplay is too chicken to put one of ABS-CBN’s wholesome young stars in that kind of situation. Ten minutes to the ending I thought the movie was going to take a twist to Unfaithful in which Richard Gere kills Olivier Martinez for boinking Diane Lane, but the script is too chicken for that, too. Instead we get an incredible resolution best summed up as, “Patayin na lang natin yung problema para matapos na” (Let’s kill the problem so we can go home).

There, I’ve spoiled it all so you can spare yourself. The best line in I Love You, Goodbye, uttered by Gabby Concepcion to Arlene Muhlach: “How’s your ensaymada business?” By the way, this is one of those flicks where every sex scene is accompanied by blaring saxophone music. Yuuccch. Better to eat cheese than to watch it.

View from the hotel on Stamford Road after midnight.

Sportists, a French dance-sports-hiphop outfit at the Sony-Ericsson event. The one on the left reminds me of Guga Kuerten, or maybe it’s just the bandana.

Dunking is impressive in the context of a tough basketball game, especially if it’s the game-winning last-second shot, but with trampolines it’s just showing off.

The roast pork at La Forketta in Dempsey Hill, washed down with a good Barolo. Excellent and lethal, will lay off food for a while. Many of the staff at La Forketta are Pinoy. One of the great things about meeting Pinoy OFWs in restaurants and hotels all over the world is that you have inside information on what’s really good on the menu. At a buffet yesterday afternoon a Pinoy server discreetly warned us of the fake adobo (looked like adobo, tasted like cardboard).

After this trip I’m going to quarantine myself to make sure I haven’t caught anything pandemicky. It’s not so much the illness that worries one as the embarrassment. That’s why the media has taken to calling it H1N1 instead of its original piggy name, which sounds like a judgment on the afflicted (‘You must’ve brought it on yourself by eating a giant slab of roast pork that was crunchy on the outside and tender on the inside.’)

The weather is so horrible I’m reduced to talking about the weather. Every time I step out of the house I feel like crying, my flesh is about to melt. When I get home my cats greet me at the door then huddle round the airconditioner indicating I should turn it on. Now. My plan to survive this summer: Go someplace cold, like Siberia. If I can’t do that, hide out in a dark, freezing, near-empty movie theatre. Never mind what’s showing, just soak up the cold; the bigger the flop, the colder the theatre. Maybe get an IV drip of ice-cold Coke. Here’s a recipe for Argentina’s ‘national cocktail’, Fernet and Coke.

Zack was in Buenos Aires recently, he says it looks like Paris full of Italians speaking Spanish. I think we should go. When it’s winter there.

Fernet Branca is a liquor made of plant extracts that tastes like the devil’s cough syrup but more bitter. James Hamilton Paterson has a hilarious novel called Cooking With Fernet Branca which contains recipes for stuff like chocolate-covered oysters (I’m too torpid to look up my copy). The novel has spawned two sequels: Amazing Disgrace, and Rancid Pansies (Anagram for what? Tick tock tick tock…Princess Diana!).

Here’s a religious murder mystery graphic novel involving codes embedded in paintings, Templars, and the Grail: Rex Mundi. Free download. Will be filmed by Johnny Depp.