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Twisted by Jessica Zafra – Pumping irony since 1994
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Archive for the ‘Drink’

I loathe you, just die.

December 28, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Drink, Movies 10 Comments →

Having endured many years of the Metro Manila Film Festival, it occurred to me that our viewing might be improved by drink. It certainly wouldn’t hurt: everything makes more sense with enough alcohol sloshing around your system.

Yesterday Jay suggested that we have wine and cheese at Cav on Bonifacio High Street. Afterwards, if we were still up to it, we could catch a mmff movie. Also we hoped that if we were sufficiently sloshed at least one of the movies would seem interesting enough to watch.

Drinks

Cav offers a tasting menu—three kinds of red (they also have white) for P590. Our favorite was the Claymore, Graceland 04—I like a wine that refers to land mines and Elvis. We enjoyed the wine so much we decided to skip the movie altogether.

Today I made my second attempt to see a mmff movie. Vivien and I were at the mall, deciding which movie to watch, when who should walk by but Derek Ramsay. We decided to interpret this as a sign from the cosmos that we should catch his movie, I Love You, Goodbye. Later we realized that Derek walking by is not sign from the cosmos, unless he is naked. That should teach us a lesson.

I figured that we were safe since the movie is directed by Laurice Guillen. Surely if she saw that the screenplay did not make sense she would say, “I’m not shooting this.” Well the screenplay sucks so hard it swallows itself. I have not seen Nobody, Nobody But Juan, but I can tell you that it’s better than I Love You, Goodbye. Wapakman is probably more coherent than I Love You Goodbye, and I hear they didn’t have time to erase all the wires from the flying scenes.

I Love You, Goodbye is one of those torpid, needlessly glum movies where nothing happens for the first 100 minutes, then in the last 15 there is a series of absurd revelations that strain all credulity. It is as if the head of production (or since this is a Star Cinema product, a creative committee) reviewed the footage and said, “Nothing’s happening, just end it now.”

Gabby Concepcion whom I hesitate to call “well-preserved” because it evokes jars of formalin is a heart surgeon who is living with a former waitress played by Angelica Panganiban. Gabby is getting an annulment from his brilliant, accomplished wife played by Angel Aquino, to the disapproval of his dragon mother played by Liza Lorena with eyes popping out of her head. Gabby’s daughter Kim Chiu hates hates haaates Angelica for no reason at all and makes snide remarks that are supposed to be bitchy but just sound stupid. Then Derek Ramsay as Angelica’s boyfriend who abandoned her two years ago returns and wants her back, and since she won’t talk to him he befriends her would-be stepdaughter. Who immediately topples over, because look at that.

Jay says Derek isn’t Filipino at all, but British-Mexican, but Vivien says British plus Mexican equals Filipino because the British colonized America which colonized the Philippines and Mexico was colonized by Spain which colonized the Philippines so he’s Pinoy. Oh and I have to point out the one redeeming quality of I Love You, Goodbye: all the leads are very good-looking. Kim Chiu is so pretty you can almost ignore the voice assaulting your ears like a cheese grater.

Going back to the plot, Kim falls for Derek so I’m thinking, Ooh conflict, something Imitation of Life-ish or at least some girlfights like in All About Eve or Temptation Island. Naah, the screenplay is too chicken to put one of ABS-CBN’s wholesome young stars in that kind of situation. Ten minutes to the ending I thought the movie was going to take a twist to Unfaithful in which Richard Gere kills Olivier Martinez for boinking Diane Lane, but the script is too chicken for that, too. Instead we get an incredible resolution best summed up as, “Patayin na lang natin yung problema para matapos na” (Let’s kill the problem so we can go home).

There, I’ve spoiled it all so you can spare yourself. The best line in I Love You, Goodbye, uttered by Gabby Concepcion to Arlene Muhlach: “How’s your ensaymada business?” By the way, this is one of those flicks where every sex scene is accompanied by blaring saxophone music. Yuuccch. Better to eat cheese than to watch it.

Eats

Pictures of Mallville

June 18, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Drink, Food, Places, Sports besides Tennis, Traveling 2 Comments →

View

View from the hotel on Stamford Road after midnight.

Sportists

Sportists, a French dance-sports-hiphop outfit at the Sony-Ericsson event. The one on the left reminds me of Guga Kuerten, or maybe it’s just the bandana.

Dunking

Dunking is impressive in the context of a tough basketball game, especially if it’s the game-winning last-second shot, but with trampolines it’s just showing off.

La Forketta

The roast pork at La Forketta in Dempsey Hill, washed down with a good Barolo. Excellent and lethal, will lay off food for a while. Many of the staff at La Forketta are Pinoy. One of the great things about meeting Pinoy OFWs in restaurants and hotels all over the world is that you have inside information on what’s really good on the menu. At a buffet yesterday afternoon a Pinoy server discreetly warned us of the fake adobo (looked like adobo, tasted like cardboard).

After this trip I’m going to quarantine myself to make sure I haven’t caught anything pandemicky. It’s not so much the illness that worries one as the embarrassment. That’s why the media has taken to calling it H1N1 instead of its original piggy name, which sounds like a judgment on the afflicted (‘You must’ve brought it on yourself by eating a giant slab of roast pork that was crunchy on the outside and tender on the inside.’)

Let’s go to Siberia

April 16, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Books, Drink 5 Comments →

The weather is so horrible I’m reduced to talking about the weather. Every time I step out of the house I feel like crying, my flesh is about to melt. When I get home my cats greet me at the door then huddle round the airconditioner indicating I should turn it on. Now. My plan to survive this summer: Go someplace cold, like Siberia. If I can’t do that, hide out in a dark, freezing, near-empty movie theatre. Never mind what’s showing, just soak up the cold; the bigger the flop, the colder the theatre. Maybe get an IV drip of ice-cold Coke. Here’s a recipe for Argentina’s ‘national cocktail’, Fernet and Coke.

Zack was in Buenos Aires recently, he says it looks like Paris full of Italians speaking Spanish. I think we should go. When it’s winter there.

Fernet Branca is a liquor made of plant extracts that tastes like the devil’s cough syrup but more bitter. James Hamilton Paterson has a hilarious novel called Cooking With Fernet Branca which contains recipes for stuff like chocolate-covered oysters (I’m too torpid to look up my copy). The novel has spawned two sequels: Amazing Disgrace, and Rancid Pansies (Anagram for what? Tick tock tick tock…Princess Diana!).

Here’s a religious murder mystery graphic novel involving codes embedded in paintings, Templars, and the Grail: Rex Mundi. Free download. Will be filmed by Johnny Depp.

Agua de pataranta

February 03, 2009 By: jessicazafra Category: Drink 2 Comments →

I like a glass of wine at dinner—or two, or two bottles if the company’s worth it (or if the conversation’s dead and you need it to head off a coma). A glass of red every day is said to be good for the health, so as a bonus one feels virtuous. I’m no connoisseur—usually I’ll order the house red— but you don’t have to be an expert to identify watery vinegar from a bottle that was opened a month ago. Return the bottle—in pieces on someone’s head.

The Paul Giammatti character in Sideways made such an impression on me that I can’t order merlot for fear of triggering a rant. Plus I’m suspicious of bottles with plastic “corks” (I’ll drink them anyway) and I can’t bring myself to buy wine in cartons, even if a chef told me they weren’t bad if consumed immediately. (The same chef starts foaming at the mouth if you mention Gato Negro.) It’s always a hoot when you attend cocktails with people in designer outfits name-dropping like crazy and sipping ‘Novellino’. I saw a snooty flier for ‘your one chance to try vintage wines up to 50 years old!’

Occasionally I try something new (unfamiliar) and luck out. My gauge for whether a wine is good is if I feel it in the back of my nose and throat. I don’t know the technical term for that. Jay’s technical terms for wine are “vino-vino” and “agua de pataranta”. (The latter is one of those archaic expressions our mothers used to employ, along with “hotsie-patotsie” and “syoke”. Don’t you love those old movies on Sine Siete where Rogelio de la Rosa turns to Carmen Rosales and says, “Haney, let’s go klaahbing. Halina sa aking Thanderbird,” then they drive down ‘Highway 54’—oops, ‘Dewey Boulevard’—and the neon signs flash across the windshield of his convertible.)

Here’s a good wine snobbery site. If you’re afraid to order wine for fear of exposing your ignorance, pretend you’re ordering a Coke.

To boldly get smashed where no wino has gone before

December 23, 2008 By: jessicazafra Category: Drink 1 Comment →

Star Trek poster, McCoy detail

There’s only one way to get through the Xmas party season: Drink. You’ll find your false cheer swiftly turning into real cheer! And if you’re a Trekkie, you can reenact your favorite episodes involving alcohol. My favorite: The Enemy Within, in which a transporter malfunction causes Captain Kirk to split into Good Kirk and Bad Kirk, and Bad Kirk immediately goes for the liquor.

Modern Drunkard Magazine has a handy guide to alien libations consumed in Star Trek.

Saurian Brandy
The intergalactic version of Thunderbird. Enjoyed by Captain Kirk, and sometimes the crew when he wasn’t hogging it all. This liquor seems readily available on even the most backwater of planets and was responsible for Kirk landing in the brig at least once. The prop bottle was actually a George Dickel Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey carafe.

Synthehol
This is the infamous alcohol-substitute served up by the Ferengi on the latter-day Star Trek spin-offs. It’s designed to supply the taste and odor of alcohol, without the hangover and kick. Check, please!

Vulcan Port
Very intoxicating to alien races, the Vulcans claimed this insanely strong liquor merely served to clear their minds and palettes. Uh huh. My dad used to say the same thing about Jim Beam. Reportedly tasting like crap until it’s been aged at least two-hundred years, it is not recommended for the casual homebrewer.

Warnog
The Klingons claim warnog is a ferocious ale with more bite than a Kazakian Saber Shark, but it sounds to me like they’re trying to toughen up the local version of eggnog.