JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

First order of business: Forgive yourself for overindulging during the holidays. So you ate/drank/put verb here) too much: that’s what holidays are for. No use saying “I shouldn’t have” etc, because unless you invent a time machine you cannot undo what’s already been done (and enjoyed, admit that. However if you overindulged but did not enjoy it, we cannot help you).

What should you have done anyway? Gaze at the roast pig (or the roasted calf with a roasted pig in it with a roasted chicken in it with paella in it), heave an ostentatious sigh, decline a serving, then go on and on and on about your diet, triglycerides and ideal weight? That would ruin the feast for everyone else, assuming they were listening to your boring guilt trip.

Self-laceration is pointless unless one is a masochist (and painful if one is a literalist). Or some kind of artist/writer. Amazing how much beauty arises from the most sordid circumstances. Best to leave self-laceration to the pros who have the talent and training for it, or you’ll just come across as a whining ninny.

Remember that the holidays are over and moderation is the key to a sensible life. Then forgive yourself for the excesses of the last month because whingeing is so tiresome, and face it, nobody cares about your little crises. We all have problems of our own, why should you hog everyone’s attention? Your friends will listen to you but have some consideration for them, they’re probably half-dead of boredom.

And don’t say, “I wish every day were a holiday” because if every day’s a holiday then no day is a holiday, you know what I’m saying? Now get to work.

L-R: Hot milk, sugar, packets of cream, unused. Second draft of novel—Yes, it’s thick. Table napkins. Glass of water. Notebook for rewriting stuff. Pilot pen, V-Ball Grip, 0.5 point, my favorite writing instrument. Cup of coffee. Smaller notebook for reminders and observations. The Sweetness At The Bottom Of The Pie by Alan Bradley, to dip into when I’m sick of hearing myself.

Yaaarrgh I hate doing rewrites. I already wrote the damn thing, why do I have to look at it ever again. But it has to be done because despite having proudly typed ‘The End’ I know this novel lacks something. After torturing three extremely patient and helpful readers with my draft (Otsu, Zack, my friend’s agent) I hope I’ve figured it out. Otherwise all is not lost, that’s a lot of liners for the litter box.

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Thank you for your kind comments. I have no intention of inflicting this manuscript on anyone at this time. It was written in 2005 then put away. It was rewritten in 2007 then put away. Those who have read it agree that it is Funny, But Nothing Happens. In short, it is autobiographical. And written to amuse myself, so it has already served its purpose.

Everyone mouths off about politics and the need for change, but how many of us are actually registered to vote in the 2010 elections?

My clever friends at NEXUS have launched a 100% Employee Voters Registration Program.

The goal is to allow every eligible voter in the company to register with the Commission on Elections. Every employee is allowed to take a day off to register. That day will not be deducted from their vacation leaves.

Employees who are already registered voters, being responsible citizens, are also entitled to a paid day off.

And then the first fifty employees to submit their official voter registration documents to Human Resources get free tickets to Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds starring Brad Pitt, which opens in October.

Brilliant idea using Brad Pitt to encourage voters to register! I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

You can visit http://www.comelec.gov.ph/findprecinct_/findprecinct.aspx to check if your Comelec voter registration is still active.

Here are the NEXUS guidelines, in case you want to suggest a similar program at your place of work.

Then we can address the big issue: Whom do we vote for?

The winners of our Crappiest Job contest are:

Saint Gigi, for courage in the face of ickiness
Rye, for perseverance in the face of Orwellian absurdity
Freelancer Autumn for patience in the face of people who can’t distinguish between bi and semi.

Congratulations!

Please post your real names in Comments (they’ll be kept private). You can claim your posters starting Friday at Wild Ginger in the basement of Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati. The restaurant is open from 11am to 8pm, look for Nida or Marge. You’ll need to present an ID. If you’re sending someone else to claim your prize, send them your ID (or a photocopy of your ID).

Mat wanted to send in an entry but he’s never had a job, unless you count neighborhood feline sperm bank.

The Crappiest Job You’ve Ever Had competition is now closed. You can continue posting stories as therapy, but only the entries received by noon today are eligible for our not really fabulous prizes. Ms. Stella Arnaldo has kindly agreed to be the judge for this contest. Stella is a journalist who covers business, politics, and general absurdity, meaning she is eminently qualified to spot a crappy job. Watch out for the announcement of winners.

 

Time Management for Anarchists by Jim Munroe (via Boing Boing). How to be productive without having, or being, a boss. Starring Emma Goldman and Mikhail Bakunin.

 

 

If anarchosyndicalism is not for you, what about hereditary monarchy by divine right? Read the first chapter of Cintra Wilson’s Caligula for President, in Boing Boing.